


rain or shine.

by skittlestrash



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Because why fucking not, Depression, Dissociation, F/F, Homophobic Language, M/M, Marijuana, Mentions of Blood, Physical Abuse, Recreational Drug Use, Religious Guilt, Self-Harm, Smoking, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, josh dun owns a dog, they also make a blanket fort, they make weed brownies in a chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-31
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-09-21 03:21:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 24
Words: 60,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9529496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skittlestrash/pseuds/skittlestrash
Summary: Tyler hasn't felt much of anything in a long time.Until he meets a boy with cold hands on the rooftop one night.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so I posted a fic sometime last week with a different name but very similar writing/plot but I then deleted it because I didn't like how it was turning out. SUPER sorry if you were reading that fic, but I promise this one will be better and not as rushed x
> 
> Also, this is pretty short but I hope you like it anyway xx

The view that casted out from the rooftop was always best seen from the edge of it. Tyler sat with his legs over the edge of it, swinging them back and forth over the twenty stories that laid under him. Tyler thought coming up to the building’s rooftop would provide him peace and quiet. Instead, it meant having to listen to the obnoxious sound of construction workers in the next building over every time Jenna kicked him out for smoking in the apartment. Though the sound carved a migraine in his head, Tyler still continued to go up there.

A gust of October wind chilled Tyler’s bones and he tugged down on his beanie. Gazing up at the pitch black sky, he removed the cigarette from his chapped lips and blew the smoke into the crisp air. Taking another drag, he felt the stars glare their judgment at him as he blew out another puff of smoke. His face scrunched in disgust as the nicotine settled in his mouth. Even after seven years, the nicotine still left a bitter taste in his mouth.

Stomping out the cigarette on the concrete rooftop, Tyler sucked every last bit of nicotine off his fingertips. Jenna called it disgusting, Tyler just called it desperate.

Tyler tossed the half empty pack between his hands, twirling it between his fingers as he contemplated another. Deciding his lungs had enough, he shoved the pack back into his pocket. Without the cigarette in his hand, he began snapping at the rubber band around his wrist. Pulling it harder each time as no sting radiated on his wrist. After a couple minutes of doing so, he was left only a red wrist and no satisfaction.

Looking down at the ground below, Tyler watched as drove fast and people walked slow. He stared at the cement that didn’t seem so far and wondered how much it would hurt. He swallowed a breath and dug his bitten fingernails into the concrete, his vision becoming blurred as his head spun in circles.

Tyler had to look away. He squeezed his eyes shut and snapped and snapped and snapped. Tyler swore under his breath when the rubber band finally broke in half. Groaning, he chucked the useless string of rubber to the ground below. He seethed as he felt his wrist begin to throb. Patches of violet and navy were already forming around the small line of broken skin on his wrist. He licked off the spots of blood on his wrist and gripped the ledge even tighter, terrified of his own thoughts.

The idea scared him if he was being honest with himself. It’s not like he wanted to become an abstract painting on the cement below - he just wanted the ache to go away. He always remembered how his mother said it was a sin and that people who did were selfish and would burn in hell for it. Though it terrified him, Tyler wondered if he deserved it.

He knew he should probably just get off of the edge of the rooftop. He should just go back to the apartment and take those pills Jenna told him were there to help him. He also knew he wouldn’t take them because he knew that wouldn’t work. Just like his parent’s prayers, nothing would ever take the ache away.

"La tristesse durera toujours," Tyler said to the stars, hoping the word would flow through his breath up to the sky. He remembers when his high school art class did a study on Vincent Van Gogh and those words became permanently carved into his mind.

He also remembered his classmates calling him crazy for cutting off his own ear. He remembered the chills that covered his bones because with the ringing in his head, he understood why he did it. His fingers traced over the scar that sat behind his ear.

Tyler wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting up there, but it was long enough for his hands become so cold he couldn’t feel them when they moved. Finding some motivation in his veins, he decided it was time to go back down. Massaging his hands for warmth, he turned his head at the sound of the entrance door opening.

Tyler’s eyes met with ones that were red and surrounded by dark circles. His hair was tucked under a gray beanie that almost matched their ghostly skin. The moonlight reflected off his gaunt cheeks, his bones so sharp and prominent they could slice skin. His rust eyes stared at Tyler, irises glowing with opia that clawed at Tyler’s chest.

“Hey,” the figure said, their voice like a slightly out of tune piano. “Are you okay?”

Tyler almost laughed at the person as they slowly stalked towards the spot where he sat. Looking at how compromising his position was, he didn’t blame him for being cautious with their movements. “I’m fine - this really isn’t what it looked like.”

He kneeled down at Tyler’s side and cocked his head to the side. “Then what brings you up here?” he asked, the plume of his breath billowing out through his words and soon dissipating into the cold air.

Tyler shrugged his shoulders lamely. “Just wanna look at the stars, s’all,” he answered, tucking his hands into hoodie pockets, leaning backwards to keep his balance.

“The view is just fine away from the ledge,” he seemingly teased, though Tyler could sense the serious intent behind his words. He sighed when Tyler nodded wordlessly and went back to staring at the sky. “Just - please get off the ledge. I don’t want you doing something you might regret.”

He extended a hand, slender fingers that bulged around the knuckles and were shaking in the cold. Tyler sighed and took a hold of it, almost withdrawing it when the skin felt like ice on Tyler’s own cool hands. He immediately gripped Tyler’s hand and gingerly helped him get off the ledge. Once his feet were firmly on the concrete floor, he felt a tug within his chest. The other boy gently took a hold of Tyler’s shoulder and moved him as far away from the ledge as he could get him.

“Thank you,” Tyler told him, not quite sure what to say.

The boy offered him a weak smile. “Of course,” he replied, “do you need someone to talk to. I'm all ears if you do and a no judgment guarantee.”

Tyler sucked in a hesitant breath. “Uh, I think I'm good - I mean, I don't even know you.”

He shrugged. “The name’s Josh - there, now you know my name,” he said, “Besides, it's easier to talk to a stranger than someone you know.”

Tyler sighed and directed his gaze towards his shoes. “There's honestly not much to talk about, just felt a bit down. Not much to it, really.”

Josh gave him a concerning look. “Are you sure? I know I don't know you, but I promise I care.”

Tyler’s chest burned and throbbed, the sincerity of Josh’s words burrowing deep into his veins. He gave him a firm nod. “I'm sure, but really, thank you.”

Josh gave him one last unsure glance before nodding. “Okay then, do you need someone to take you back to your apartment?”

Tyler wasn't sure what compelled him to tell Josh yes, but the way his face brightened at his compliance. Everything elementary ever taught Tyler about strangers screamed urgently at him, trying to convince him that this “Josh” might be a serial killer or something. But something about the boy with the cold hands told him that just wasn't possible.

Silence sat comfortably between the two as they stepped down the stairs together. Their footsteps echoed off the walls of the empty room, providing a background to their wordless walk.

Tyler found him slowing his steps down as they reached his floor, though he wasn't sure why. When they came to his apartment, they stopped in front of the door.

“Well, I guess this is goodbye,” Tyler said, scratching the back of his neck.

The gentle smile returned to Josh’s face and his eyes seemed to glow. “The sadness won't last forever - please try and remember that.”

Tyler’s breath caught in his throats and he nodded. “I will. Thank you - really, thank you.”

Josh nodded as well and the smile turned small. “Of course, well, I'll see you around, yeah?”

“Yeah, see ya around,” Tyler replied, going to unlock the door as Josh began to walk away. He gave one last glance at the pale boy before walking into the apartment.

Shutting and locking the door behind him, Tyler dragged his feet to his bedroom. He saw Jenna’s light was off and he felt a wave of relief knowing he didn't have to deal with her smothering.

In actions in slow motion, Tyler sat down on his bed and peeled off his hat and beanie. He set the pack of cigarettes onto his nightstand and pulled off his pants, leaving him in just his hoodie and boxers.

He grabbed the end of his blanket and pulled it over his shivering body. A wave of exhaustion hit him like a hurricane and his eyes squeezed shut, his vision darkened as his mind went elsewhere for the night.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Sunlight streamed brightly from Tyler’s bedroom window on that Thursday morning, almost tauntingly.  He squinted his eyes and kept his gaze on the plain ceiling above him.  The room was mostly quiet besides the wind outside and the obnoxious beeping from his alarm that had been going for the last three hours.  Though it had done its job in waking Tyler up, it couldn’t provide him the motivation to _get_ up.  With bones made of lead, the dull ache kept him pinned to his bed.

Finding a little bit of strength, he turned his head and looked to see his clock blinking  ‘12:24’  back at him.  A sigh escaped his lungs, the fear of wasting time helping slightly in convincing him to move.  His hands made their way to his face and he viciously scrubbed his eyes, trying to clear them of any fog and blur.  Slowly, he found some motivation tucked deep inside and sat up in his bed, slamming his hand against his alarm to make it shut up.  

Peeling his blanket off, he swung his legs over the edge of his bed and stood to his feet.  Stepping though piles of dirty clothes that littered the floor, Tyler ignored the voice - that sounded a lot like Jenna - that nagged him to do laundry.  He’ll do it, eventually.

 

Running his calloused fingers through dirty hair, he groggily walked to the living room.  Jenna sat on the beat up couch, laptop sitting on her thighs as her fingertips moved effortlessly fast over the keyboard.  At the sound of Tyler coming in, she looked up and offered a weak smile.  

 

“Hey Tyler,” she greeted, eyes going back to her screen as she spoke.  “I made some coffee if you want some, though it’s probably cold.”

 

Tyler nodded and mumbled a ‘thank you’ before stalking over to the kitchen.  The pot of coffee sat half empty next to the kitchen sink full of dirty dishes.  Tyler had promised he would do it, but the promise had been forgotten.  Pouring the cold coffee into a semi-clean mug, Tyler figured he’d do them later.  

 

Coming back to the living room, he sat down on the couch next to Jenna, who scrunched her nose in disgust.  “You smell like cigarettes,” she commented, scooting away to the corner of the couch and away from Tyler.

 

“Probably has something to do with the fact I smoke them,” Tyler deadpanned, taking a gulp of his coffee, cringing as he felt the cold liquid slide down his throat and hit his empty stomach.  

 

“You should probably take a shower, you’ve got work tonight,” she continued, chewing on her bottom lip.  “Maybe do some laundry.”

 

“I know,” he replied.  Of course he knew what he should do, that doesn’t mean he could.  

 

Jenna sighed quietly before closing her laptop, looking over to Tyler.  “How about after you take a shower, I help you out with laundry?” she offered, a small smile edging around her lips.  Tyler ignored the pitying glance in her eyes.

 

“You really don’t have to, it’s fine, honestly,” Tyler said, guilt pulling at his chest.  He didn’t want Jenna to feel like she needed to help him.  He was fine, he didn’t need help.

 

“I know I don’t have to, but I want to,” she remarked, “just stop being so stubborn for once and let me help you, alright?”  She added a light to her laugh to her words to help ease the tone, but that guilt just pulled harder.  

 

“Fine, I’ll go get in the shower,” he agreed, reluctantly.  Jenna beamed as Tyler set the half-empty mug down and stood from the couch, heading to the bathroom.

 

Locking the door behind him, Tyler began stripping off his hoodie and boxers that reeked of nicotine.  Tossing the clothes in the hamper, he moved over to the shower and turned on the shower.  He stepped into the small shower once the water was hot enough to leave his skin red.  

 

Letting the water burn his back, Tyler stood there just staring at the shower wall for God knows how long.  Aware that he was standing there, Tyler tried to will his muscles to move, but he continued to stand still.  Eventually snapping back to reality, he got to work on washing himself of the scent of smoke and all the grime he accumulated.

 

Once he was clean of nicotine and dirt, Tyler turned off the water and wrapped a towel around his waist.  Goosebumps littered his skin as he was taken away from the warmth of the shower, the cool bathroom leaving him shivering.  

 

Wiping the steam off the mirror, his reflection left him disoriented as he grabbed his toothbrush.  Shoving the toothbrush into his mouth, the strong taste of mint burning his mouth.  Spitting it out and rinsing his mouth, he wiped his lips and exited bathroom.

 

Going to his bedroom, he found Jenna kneeling on the ground, sorting through his various heaps of dirty clothes.  She looked up as she grabbed a pile and threw it into a basket.  

 

“Here, I found you some clean clothes,” she said, handing him a stack of clothes.  Tyler nodded wordlessly and took the clothes gratefully, turning on his heel to head back to the bathroom.

 

Patting himself dry, he threw the clothes on and left the room.  When he returned to his bedroom, Jenna had finished sorting through the clothes and Tyler could actually see his bedroom floor.  Picking up the basket full of clothes, she walked over to the doorway and flashed him a smile.  Together the two left the apartment and headed down to the laundry room.  

 

Going over to a washer, Tyler began throwing handfuls of clothes into the machine as Jenna measured out some soap.  Once it was full and they shut the lid, Jenna groaned quietly.  “I forgot to grab some change - I’ll be right back,” she said before jogging out of the room.  

 

Tyler sighed and pushed himself on top of the washer, gingerly running his thumb over the bruise on his wrist.  The tender skin groaned in pain anytime he applied too much pressure, so he pressed down as hard as he could until he couldn’t bare it.  

 

At the sound of the door opening, Tyler’s head snapped up in hopes that it was Jenna.  Instead he saw a head of bright red hair and familiar eyes.  When their gazes met, a crinkled smile formed around those eyes.

 

“Oh hey,” Josh said, walking over to the machine next to Tyler’s.  He set down a pillowcase full of clothes and opened up the lid of the washer.

 

“Hi,” Tyler replied, quietly.  “It’s Josh, right?”

 

Josh hummed and nodded, beginning to toss some clothes into the machine.  “Yup - I don’t think I got your name last night.”

 

“Oh, it’s uh Tyler,” he answered, ducking his head and keeping his eyes firmly on his shoes.

 

“It’s nice to properly meet you, ‘uh Tyler’,” Josh said, and Tyler didn’t need to look at him to know he grinning cheekily.  

 

Tyler groaned and rubbed a palm down his face.  “It is too early for dad jokes.”

 

Josh’s brows scrunched together.  “It’s midday.”

 

“Exactly,” Tyler said, making Josh snort in reply.

 

Tyler watched as Josh continued to throw clothes into the washer, his eyes widening with concern as he grabbed a gray t-shirt that was covered with patches of bloodstains.  Josh looked over to catch his expression and laughed under his breath.

 

“Bloody nose,” Josh explained, grabbing a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and a rag out of his pillowcase.  Tyler nodded understandingly as Josh began cleaning out the stain.

 

“Nice to know you’re not a serial killer or anything,” Tyler joked before his mind had a chance to tell him to keep his mouth shut.  Luckily Josh found the stupid joke funny and laughed.

 

“Well, I still could be - I could’ve just lied about having a bloody nose,” Josh pointed out, pouring some soap into the washer before closing the cap.  

 

“Nah, you don’t look like a serial killer to me,” Tyler said as Josh shoved a couple coins into the machine.

 

He laughed and gave Tyler a crinkly smile.  “I think that’s the best compliment I’ve ever received,” he told Tyler, leaning against the machine and shoving his hands into his jean pockets.

 

Tyler laughed quietly and silence settled over the two.  Typically Tyler found silence unnerving and uncomfortable, but this time it wasn’t.  However, the quiet was soon interrupted by Jenna coming back to the laundry.  A smile painted her face as her glance fell on Josh.

 

“Oh, hey Josh,” she said, stepping over to the washers.  Tyler hopped off the machine, raising his brows at the two as Jenna shoved some coins into his machine.

 

“Hey Jenna,” Josh greeted, pulling a hand out of his pockets to give a small wave.

 

“You know each other?” Tyler asked, gesturing to the two of them.

 

“Josh is Debby’s best friend,” Jenna answered.  Tyler’s mouth made an ‘o’ shape and he nodded slowly.  Jenna looked to Tyler with a curious glance.  “How did you meet Josh?”

 

Tyler hesitated to answer while Josh quickly filled in.  “Oh we just ran into each the other night, started talking and… stuff.”  Tyler bit back a laugh as Josh pulled a face over his last words.  The answer seemed to be good enough for Jenna.  

 

“Oh Josh - is Debby still having that party tomorrow?” Jenna asked, twirling a strand of her hair between her fingers.  

 

Josh nodded.  “Yeah, you guys coming?”

 

Tyler shot Jenna a look as she glanced over at him, a cheeky smirk playing on her lips.  She turned back to Josh and smiled.  “Yup, Tyler and I will both be there,” she said, making Tyler inwardly implode.

 

Josh blinked a glance towards Tyler before giving her a small smile.  “That’s great.”

 

Jenna nodded and smiled again before clasping her hands together, turning to Tyler.  “I gotta head to work, you’ll be okay, right Tyler?”

 

Tyler resisted the urge to roll his eyes.  “Yeah, I’ll be fine Jenna, I’m a big boy.”

 

“Cool, here’s some change for the dryer - I’ll see you at home later, okay?” she said, handing him a couple coins before walking away.  “Oh and it was great talking to you, Josh.  I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

Josh gave her a wave goodbye.  “See ya,” he said, before turning his attention to Tyler, who was avoiding his glance.  

 

“Ya know, if you don’t want to come to the party, you don’t have to,” Josh told him, the same sincerity from the night before lacing his words.  “I’m not a big fan of parties, either.”

 

“Nah, I’ll come.  Someone has to be there to laugh at all your dad jokes,” Tyler said, though his mind screamed at him to shut up.  He really didn’t want to go to some party, but the thought of Josh being there excited him for some reason.  It was stupid, really - he had just met the guy.

 

Josh scoffed and clutched his chest with an offended hand.  “My dad jokes happen to be the life of the part, thank you very much.”

 

“Oh yeah, I’m sure,” Tyler snorted, chuckling at the offended look on Josh’s face before it crumbled along with Josh’s laughter.

 

“So,” Josh began, picking up a new topic to keep the conversation going, which Tyler was grateful for since he was complete shit at keeping a conversation.  “How did you meet Jenna?”

 

“College,” Tyler answered, “we were in the same Language Analysis class.”

 

Josh raised his brows.  “Language Analysis?  What did you study?”

 

“English Language and Linguistics,” he answered, chewing on the inside of his cheek.

 

“Ooh, sounds fancy,” Josh commented, giggling slightly.

 

“It’s really not, it’s just more advanced study of English I guess.  All it got me was a mediocre editing job so it probably wasn't worth the four years I spent on it,” Tyler said, quickly shutting his mouth to keep himself from babbling.  Tyler was a relatively quiet person, but he found that when he started talking, he couldn’t get himself to stop.

 

Josh hummed and nodded.  “Yeah, I never really got the point of college.  Life is so short, ya know?  Why waste four years of your life learning about something you probably don’t even care about.”

 

Tyler nodded in agreement and the two continued to talk, topics changing as quickly as they came.  They kept going after their machines finished and they moved their clothes into dryers.  Conversation flowed easily between the two and Tyler felt himself relaxing a little.  

 

Unfortunately, Josh’s dryer eventually finished and disappointment crawled into Tyler’s chest as Josh shoveled all his clothes back into the pillowcase.  

 

“It was nice seeing you again,” Josh smiled, throwing the pillowcase over his shoulder.

 

A small smile crawled onto Tyler’s lips.  “Yeah, it was nice seeing you too.”

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?” Josh asked, hopefully as he began moving towards the door.

 

Tyler nodded.  “Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow,” he replied, to which the other boy beamed and Tyler’s smile grew a little more.  Josh then exited the room and Tyler was left alone in the room.  He immediately couldn’t wait for tomorrow to come.

 

It both terrified and excited Tyler of how Josh made him feel.  For once, Tyler was able to ease the worrying and insecure parts of his mind.  For once, he allowed himself to feel excited again.  He allowed himself to just _feel_ something again.  

  
  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should really re-read these before I post them because they're always covered in typos or missing words  
> Oooooooh weeell

Tyler stood staring at the contents of his closet for God knows how long that Friday night.  If there was one thing he hated more than parties, it was figuring out what the fuck to wear.  All he owned were hoodies and sweatpants.  He was almost tempted just to go to Jenna and ask to borrow one of her dresses because it would definitely beat whatever garbage his wardrobe contained. 

 

Groaning to himself, he ran frustrated fingers through his hair.  Admitting defeat, he trudged over to Jenna’s room where she was putting on makeup.  He leaned on the doorway and knocked on the wall, getting her attention. 

 

Turning her head to look at him, she gave him a knowing look.  “You need my help picking out something to wear?” she asked, to which he nodded lowly.  She gaved shook her head and smiled as she stood up, walking over to him.  “Alright, let’s see what’cha got.” 

 

“Thank you,” he mumbled, following her to his room. 

 

Tyler sat down on the edge of his bed as he watched Jenna raid through his closet.  She hummed to herself, occasionally making disapproving noises, as she sorted through shirts. 

 

“I don’t understand why you’re making such a fuss over what to wear, typically if I drag you out to a party, you just wear what you normally wear,” she commented, taking out a shirt and inspecting it before putting it back into the closet. 

 

“I dunno, maybe I’m just trying to care more about my appearance I guess,” Tyler replied, tracing his fingers over his bedsheets.

 

Jenna paused her browsing and turned to look at Tyler.  “Is this about Josh?” 

 

Tyler’s face scrunched together into a puzzled expression.  “What do you mean?”

 

“I mean, are you trying to impress Josh?” she asked, grinning as the heat rushed to Tyler’s cheeks.  “Tyler Joseph, do you have a crush?” 

 

Tyler rolled his eyes.  “No, I’m not trying to impress Josh and no, I do not have a crush,” he replied, “besides, you know I don’t do that whole relationship thing.” 

 

Jenna raised her eyebrow at him.  “Oh come on, Josh is a nice guy.  You guys would be pretty cute together,” she said, before gasping excitedly.  “Oh!  You guys and me and Debby could double date.” 

 

“For fuck’s sake Jenna, I just met the dude,” Tyler laughed, shaking his head.  His laughter died down as his eyes fell on an old picture frame.  “Besides, it doesn’t matter how nice he is.  I just can’t do it, Jenna, not after everything that happened.”

 

Jenna sighed and tucked her hair behind her ear.  “Ty, what happened wasn’t your fault, okay?  He made his own decision and there was nothing you could’ve done about that.” 

 

Tyler scoffed and shook his head.  “There was plenty I could’ve done.  What happened was because of me and I don’t want to repeat it ever again,” he argued, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around his legs, resting his head on top of his knees.  “Can we just drop it, please?” 

 

Jenna let out a heavy breath and turned his attention back to his closet.  “Here, how about this?” she said after a few more minutes of searching.  She held up a long, black, sleeveless button up and some black leggings.  “I figured you would want to wear all black so you can blend into the poor lighting and no one will see you.” 

 

Tyler laughed through his nose and a small smile quipped at the corner of his lips.  “Perfect,” he said, standing up and taking the clothes.  “Thanks Jenna.” 

 

“No problem, Ty,” she smiled, “can I paint your nails too?  You haven’t let me do them in awhile.” 

 

“Nah, I don’t have much nail to paint anyway,” Tyler answered, holding up his bitten down nails for Jenna to see.  

 

Jenna pouted, but nodded.  “Alright, I’m gonna go finish up getting ready so you can get dressed,” she said, walking out of his room. 

 

Tyler quickly threw on his clothes and sat on his bed for a bit, waiting for Jenna.  Once she was done getting ready, the two left the apartment and headed down the staircase.  Reaching Debby’s floor, they made their way down the hall.

 

“Ya know,” Tyler began, as Jenna started typing something on her phone, “I still don’t understand why you and Debby just don’t move in together.  I mean, you two have been dating for over a year and you both already live in the same apartment building.” 

 

Jenna shrugged, keeping her eyes on her screen.  “I dunno, it’s just not something we’ve ever talked about,” she said, “besides, I’ve already got you for a roommate.” 

 

“If you want to move in with Debby, don’t let me stop you.  I’ll be fine on my own,” he said, though he knew that wasn’t true.  Most days, Jenna was only thing convincing him to get out of bed and do something productive besides smoke. 

 

Jenna shoved her phone into her pocket and she gave Tyler a tight smile.  “Let’s not talk about this right now, yeah?” 

 

Tyler chewed on the inside of his cheek and nodded wordlessly.  They eventually made it to Debby’s apartment and Jenna knocked on the door.  After a lot of shouting and the sound of something crashing, the door eventually opened.  The two were greeted by a head of strawberry blonde hair and ridiculously loud music. 

 

Jenna’s face melted into a smile when her eyes fell on Debby.  “Hey baby,” she greeted, wrapping her arms around her neck and pulling her in for a kiss.  Tyler rocked back and forth on his heel awkwardly as he waited for the two to end their hello. 

 

Debby smiled as she pulled away from Jenna’s lips.  She looked over at Tyler and gave him an apologetic look.  “Nice to see you guys, c’mon in,” she said, moving to the side of the door so that the two could enter. 

 

With the flashing lights, loud music, and the smell of alcohol and weed, a migraine immediately began edging around Tyler’s temple.  He tried his best to stick by Jenna’s side, but she was soon swept away with Debby to the kitchen, where some drunk lesbian gathering was happening with other girls. 

 

Sighing to himself, Tyler began hunting down an empty corner where he could maybe smoke in peace.  He contemplated going over to where Debby’s friend, Pete, was rolling joints by the minute and smoking them by the seconds.  Remembering the last time he smoked one of Pete’s joints, he decided against it.  He didn’t want another ‘Christmas Lights Break-In’ - as Jenna so cleverly called the incident - to happen again. 

 

Which is how Tyler found himself slipping into Debby’s bathroom and crawling into the bathtub.  After fitting his ridiculously gangly legs into the small tub, he leaned his head against the wall.  Just as his fingers reached for the pack in his pocket, his head snapped at the sound of the door he forgot to lock opening. 

 

Luckily for Tyler, he was greeted by bright red hair and an understanding smile.  “You hiding from the party too?” Josh asked, stepping into the bathroom and shutting the door behind him. 

 

Tyler nodded and sat up as best as he could, the pack of cigarettes now forgotten.  Josh walked over to Tyler and sat down on the ground next to him.  “I was wondering where you were.  I kinda figured you decided not to come, which I honestly wouldn’t blame you for.” 

 

Tyler pulled his knees up to his chin as he stared at Josh.  “So why did you come?” 

 

Josh shrugged his shoulders.  “I don’t leave my apartment too often so Debby thinks it’s good for me to get out, meet people, and stuff,” he replied, “and as you can tell, I’m doing  _ great  _ at that.” 

 

Tyler snorted.  “Well, you met me, so you can give yourself that.” 

 

“Yeah, I guess.  Though, I think I would’ve liked to meet you under better circumstances,” Josh said, biting down on his lip and scratching the back of his neck. 

 

Tyler curled closer to his knees, his stomach twisting uncomfortably.  “Do you think we can just pretend that never happened?” Tyler muttered, “I don’t want you to know me as that night we met.” 

 

Josh sighed, but gave a sad smile.  “Yeah, sure.  We can totally start over, if you want.  Besides, I don’t want to know me as the guy with the serial killer blood stained shirt” 

 

Tyler laughed lightly and nodded.  “Yeah, that’d be nice.” 

 

Josh leaned forward and held out his boney hand.  “Salutations, I’m Josh Dun.  I’m twenty-seven, I work at Guitar Center, and I have no fucking clue what I’m doing with my life.”

 

More laughter grew from Tyler’s chest and he took Josh’s cold hand into his.  “Hi, I’m Tyler Joseph.  I’m also twenty-seven, I work at at a shitty publishing company, and I also have no fucking clue what I’m doing with my life.”

 

Josh wore a grand smile and Tyler could feel his heart fluttering against his will.  “It’s nice to meet you, Tyler Joseph.” 

 

“It’s nice to meet you too, Josh Dun.” 

 

“Tell me, Tyler Joseph,” Josh began, making Tyler giggle as he continued to use his full name.  “Are you seeing anyone by any chance.” 

 

“Uh, no, I’m not.  I’m not really into relationships and all that… stuff,” Tyler answered, making some weird hand movement, which made Josh snort.

 

“Oh so are you like aromantic or something like that?” Josh asked, tilting his head to the side like a curious puppy. 

 

“What? Oh, no,” Tyler replied, once he registered what Josh asked.  “No, I’m not, I just don’t do relationships and dating.”

 

Josh squinted his eyes as he stared at Tyler.  “How come?  I mean - if you don’t mind me asking.” 

 

Tyler shrugged his shoulders.  “Just some bad experiences, s’all.”

 

Josh nodded understandingly.  “Yeah, I can get that.  One time Debby set me up on a blind date and the guy licked my ear and told me he wanted to ‘fuck me in the alley on a pile of garbage’.”

 

Tyler sucked in a sympathetic breath.  “Sounds like a real stand up guy,” he cringed, biting back a laugh. 

 

“Yeah - haven’t really been on many dates since then,” Josh said, playing with a loose thread on his ripped jeans.  “How about you?  Do you have any bad date stories?”    
  


“When I was fifteen, my parents tried to set me up with this girl after a rumor started circling around that I was gay - which whoops, turned out to not be a rumor,” Tyler started, making Josh laugh.  “Anyway, I was super nervous and had no idea what to do on the date.  I took her to the mall and we went to the food court and I got a hot dog, but I didn’t want to look like a pig while eating, so I did what any sensible person would do and ate the hot dog with a fork and knife.” 

 

Josh erupted into a round of giggles as he clapped his hands together.  “Oh my gosh Tyler, that’s fucking  _ precious _ .” 

 

“Oh, it gets worse,” Tyler added, “After we ate, I took her to the movies and I was worried she would be uncomfortable if we sat too close together, so I sat three rows behind her.” 

 

“And then later we ran into a group of my friends and one of them started hitting on her and she ended up just leaving with them, so I had to wait all by myself outside the theater while I waited for my mom to pick me up,” Tyler finished, bowing his head in shame. 

 

“Oh Tyler, that’s… amazing.  I mean, you’re such a gentleman!  You have a table manners and you know when to give a person their space.  Honestly, I don’t know why she didn’t beg you for a second date,” Josh said in between giggles. 

 

Tyler opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted by pounding on the bathroom door. 

 

“Whoever the fuck has been hoarding the bathroom, get the hell out or I’ll piss on everything you love,” some drunk girl on the other side of the door shouted, her words slurring together. 

 

Both Tyler and Josh held back a laugh as they stood up.  Unlocking the door, Josh opened it to a girl with a shaved head that Tyler remembered her as ‘Ashley’ or ‘Halsey’ - he wasn’t quite sure.  She shoved both of them out of the way, the contents of the bottle in her hand sloshing on the ground.

 

“Well, looks like we’ll have to find a new hiding spot,” Tyler shouted, trying to get Josh to hear him over the loud music.  

 

Josh nodded and leaned into Tyler’s ear, his breath hot against Tyler’s neck.  “Why don’t we just get out of here?” Josh asked.  And for some stupid fucking reason, Tyler said yes. 

 

Josh eagerly grabbed Tyler’s hand, his icy skin causing chills to run down Tyler’s spine.  Hand in hand, the two slipped out of the apartment, everybody either too drunk or too high to notice the two leave.  Josh pulled Tyler down the hallway and Tyler dumbly followed behind.  The two made it to the staircase and began making their way up.  To Tyler’s surprise, they kept going until they reached the entry to the rooftop. 

 

“Why’d we come up here?  I’d imagine this is the last place you would want to bring me,” Tyler said, enjoying the cool air after being cramped in the hot bathroom.

 

Josh smiled through quiet pants, placing a hand on his chest as he tried to catch his breath.  The climb up had apparently been more exhausting to Josh than it was for Tyler.  “You said you wanted to start over, so I thought maybe we could remake the whole rooftop experience.  Try and make it a positive thing.” 

 

Tyler watched with a tilted head and raised eyebrows as Josh squatted down to the floor, lying down on the cement.  He tucked his arms behind his head and looked at Tyler.  “Why are you giving me that look?” Josh asked. 

 

“Just wondering why you’re lying on the floor,” Tyler voiced.  

 

“To get a better view of the stars - now come down here and join me in this beautiful observation of our amazing universe,” Josh replied, turning his attention back up to the twinkling lights that decorated the night sky. 

 

Tyler sighed, but lowered himself down to the floor and laid down next to Josh.  They stared up at the stars together and Tyler began to feel a little breathless.  The universe was terrifyingly huge and looking at the stars just felt like a reminder of how small Tyler and all his problems really were. 

 

“Do you know any constellations?” Josh asked, his voice dreamy. 

 

“No, not really, other than like the Big Dipper, but I think everyone knows that one,” Tyler said, putting one arm behind his head and the other one across his stomach.  “Do you know any.”

 

“Yeah, I know a few.  I’ve always been a bit of a nerd about space,” Josh answered, “here, do you see that cluster of stars over there that just looks like a bunch of geometric shapes?” 

 

Josh pointed up at the sky and directed Tyler’s gaze to a pattern of stars that vaguely looked like a person to Tyler.  “Yeah, I think I see it.” 

 

“That’s Hercules.  Apparently it’s supposed to look like the dude, but if I’m being honest, it just looks like a weirdly shaped giraffe to me,” Josh said, to which Tyler laughed loudly. 

 

“And then you see those three small, but really bright ones over there?” Josh asked, pointing over to the left of the sky.  Tyler nodded when he noticed the triangle of stars.  “That’s Triangulum, which is just a fancy ass name for triangle because it looks like a triangle and the guy who discovered it wasn’t very clever.  Since it’s such a lame name, I’ve decided to name it delta” 

 

Tyler turned his head and furrowed his brow together.  “Why delta?” 

 

“Cause it looks like the greek letter delta and I think naming it that gives the constellation more meaning than ‘Triangulum’,” Josh answered.

 

“What does delta mean?” Tyler asked. 

 

Josh smiled as he turned to Tyler.  “Change.” 

 

Tyler had never been a fan of change.  Change typically meant uncertainty and no control, which Tyler definitely wasn’t a fan of.  But as he stared into the eyes on the boy he only met two fucking days ago, Tyler was beginning to think maybe change wasn’t so bad. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: Tyler's bad date is an actual thing a friend of mine did on his first date. Hopefully he doesn't mind me exploiting it for the use of this fanfiction aha.   
> Hope you guys liked it! Whether you did or did not, let me know what you think with either a comment or a kudo! I always appreciate and welcome feedback! xx


	4. Chapter 4

When the rambunctious blaring of his alarm clock went off at ten o’clock that Saturday morning, Tyler surprised himself by sitting up and turning it off.  He squinted at his bedroom window, not used to looking at the sun so early in the day.  With a yawn, he stood from his bed and stretched out his limbs, feeling the sweet release of joints popping and muscles relaxing. 

 

Knowing Jenna was probably still at Debby’s apartment, Tyler grabbed a cigarette and his lighter.  Igniting the tip, he inhaled the nicotine and blew out a blume of smoke.  He knew Jenna would kill him once she smelled the scent of smoke in the apartment, but that was a battle he could fight later. 

 

Cigarette sitting between his teeth, Tyler left his bedroom and headed towards the kitchen.  He stared at the full sink that had been taunting him for days.  Surprising himself again, Tyler managed to knock out a few of the dishes, lessening the pile. 

 

Tyler started a pot of coffee and began snacking on some cereal out of the box as he waited for the coffee to finish.  Once done, he set aside the box of cereal and poured coffee into a mug.  Cigarette in one hand and coffee in the other, Tyler walked over to the living room and sat down on the couch.  He placed the cigarette back onto his lips and grabbed his laptop.  Filing through work emails, Tyler found his sudden burst of productivity exciting and odd.  

 

As Tyler skimmed and edited some pretentious YA author’s work, he heard the known sound of keys jingling unsurely and the door opening haphazardly.  A small smirk played on his lips as he heard heels clapping to an uneven beat as his presumably hungover roommate entered the apartment. 

 

Tyler shut his laptop and set it down on the coffee table, lifting his gaze so that his  eyes met with smudged eyeliner and lipstick.  Tyler’s smirk grew when he saw familiar splotches of red and purple along Jenna’s neck.  Jenna returned the cheeky look with a glare to his cigarette, stumbling over to the kitchen.

 

He took a sip of coffee before wrapping his lips around the end of the cigarette, sucking in the last remaining nicotine out of the rolled paper.  When Jenna’s footsteps returned to the living room, Tyler gasped loudly as he felt the shock of ice cold water being dumped on his head. 

 

“What the fuck, Jenna?!” Tyler sputtered, jumping up from the couch and looking at Jenna, who was holding a wet empty glass. 

 

Jenna narrowed her eyes.  “It’s bad enough you smoke those fucking cancer sticks, but to do it in the apartment after I’ve asked you not to?  Fuck you, Tyler Joseph.”

 

Tyler wiped drops of water off his face.  “Alright, fair enough.” 

 

“Do it again and I’m throwing your lighter out the window,” Jenna stated, leaning against the couch as she peeled off her heels.  Tyler just shook his head as he grabbed a rag from the kitchen, drying himself off and then coming back to dry off the couch. 

 

“So, you look like you had fun last night,” Tyler teased as Jenna got another glass of water, this time with some pain relievers on the side. 

 

Jenna giggled to herself as she swallowed the pills.  “Oh Ty, you don’t even know,” she divulged, wiping the piled up eyeliner under her eyes.  

 

Tyler raised his brows as he sat back down.  “I’m not sure if I even  _ want  _ to know.” 

 

Jenna grinned as she began pouring herself some coffee.  “How about you?” she asked, walking over to the living room and sitting down next to Tyler.  “I only saw you twice last night - when we got there and then when you left the apartment with Josh.”  She waggled her eyebrows suggestively and Tyler felt like he had the right to kick her smug look right off her face. 

 

Instead, he just rolled his eyes at her “subtle” accusation.  “I didn’t sleep with him - which I know is what you’re thinking.  Neither one of us were really enjoying the party, so we left.  It’s that simple and that boring.” 

 

Jenna smirked over the rim of her mug.  “Ya know, Debby thinks you guys would be cute together too.” 

 

“That’s so great.  I’m so happy you and your girlfriend think I would be cute with a guy I met literally three days ago,” Tyler deadpanned, “doesn’t change the fact that I’m not going to go out with him - or anyone for that matter, even if they are cute.” 

 

“So you admit he’s cute,” Jenna said, earning her a pillow to the face. 

 

“Please Jenna, just drop it, okay?  It doesn’t matter how cute or how great Josh is - I’m not risking it again, I just can’t,” Tyler all but pleaded.

 

Jenna sighed, but kept her mouth shut about the topic.  “Do you think you could paint my nails today?” she asked, swiftly changing the subject. 

 

Tyler groaned.  “Why can’t you just do it yourself?” 

 

“Too hungover to keep it neat and you’ve always been better at it than me,” Jenna replied, standing up and going to the bathroom to grab nail stuff. 

 

“I haven’t painted your nails since college, I’m probably pretty shit at it now,” Tyler remarked as Jenna returned with purple nail polish, a clear coat, and some cotton swabs. 

 

Jenna shook her head as her and Tyler sat down on the ground in front of the coffee table.  “Nah, I’m sure it’s just like riding a bike,” she insisted, handing him the bottle of nail polish. 

 

Tyler sighed as he took the bottle, taking Jenna’s hand and carefully applying the color on her nicely trimmed nails.  He hummed to himself as he meticulously stroked the brush across her nail.  Jenna tugged on a strand of her hair with her free hand as she stared at Tyler.  The two sat in silence mostly, the only sounds being Tyler’s quiet singing voice and some obnoxious banging noise coming from upstairs. 

 

“Hey Tyler?” Jenna said after the silence grew too much for her. 

 

“Yeah?” Tyler replied, keeping his focus on her nails. 

 

“He wouldn’t have wanted this for you, you know that right?” she disclosed, curling her lips under her teeth as she looked at Tyler with concerned pulled brows.  

 

Tyler refused to look at her.  “It doesn’t matter, he’s not here now is he?” he said, his words barely audible through gritted teeth and over the upstairs noise.  “Just stop trying to make me feel better about it.  It’s been five years, if I was gonna move on, I would’ve done it already - okay?  Just stop bringing it up.”

 

Jenna pursed her lips.  “Hey Tyler?” 

 

Tyler sighed quietly.  “What Jenna?”   
  


“Thank you for doing those dishes,” she said, smiling softly.  “And for waking up before noon - I’m really proud of you today.”

 

A small smile threatened the corners of Tyler’s lips, sending her a silent thankful look.  He continued to paint the nail polish onto her nails, the banging noise from upstairs getting increasingly louder, which decreased Tyler’s tolerance for it. 

 

“Holy fucking hell - what the flying fuck is that noise?” Tyler groaned, angrily screwing the cap of of the nail polish bottle when he finished Jenna’s nails.

 

Jenna shrugged and blew on her nails as Tyler glared at the ceiling.  “I dunno.  The sound comes every morning - which you would know if you got up in the morning.” 

 

Tyler shot her a quick glare before returning the gaze to the ceiling.  “Is it coming from someone’s apartment?” 

 

“Sounds like it,” Jenna mumbled, barely paying attention to Tyler and focusing on inspecting her nails. 

 

“It must be the one directly above us,” Tyler muttered, standing to his feet.  “I’m gonna go see what it is and see if I can get them to stop.” 

 

Jenna snorted.  “You’re gonna confront someone? Who are you and what have you done with Tyler Joseph?” 

 

Tyler rolled his eyes.  “I’m not gonna confront anyone, I’m just gonna politely ask them to keep the noise down, that’s all.” 

 

Jenna busted up into a fit of giggles.  “You’re so precious, Tyler.” 

“Why does everyone keep saying that?” Tyler questioned as he left the apartment, padding down the carpeted hallway with bare feet.  He was suddenly aware that he was still in pajamas and had some pretty bad bedhead.  He was also aware of how he didn’t really give a fuck.

 

He climbed up the stairs till he reached the level above them, walking down that hallway till he found the apartment above his and Jenna’s.  With a hesitated hand, he shyly knocked on the door.  Before his anxiety could tell him to run away, the door open and Tyler’s mouth moved faster than his mind could even process. 

 

“Oh uh, hi, I live in the apartment above yours and I - “ Tyler stopped his mouth from going a mile when he realized who was standing in front of him.  “Josh?” 

 

A smile crinkled around his warm eyes.  “Damn Tyler,  can’t stay away from me for one day, can’t ya?”

 

Tyler’s eyes widened as the blood rushed to his cheeks.  “Oh gosh, I, uh, honestly had no idea this was your apartment.  I just heard some banging noises from my apartment and I was just coming to see what it was.”

 

“Oh that was my drums - I’m sorry, was I being too loud?  I can stop if you need me to,” Josh apologized, biting down on his lips as he shuffled his feet.

 

“No, no, it’s totally fine, you don’t need to st - is that a dog?” Tyler interrupted himself, noticing  a walking ball of golden fluff behind Josh.

 

Josh looked behind him and smiled when he looked at the golden retriever.  “Oh yeah, that’s my dog.  Her name is Ruby.”

 

Tyler wanted to squeal.  “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe you have a sunshine dog,” he said, staring at the dog with awestruck eyes. 

 

Josh giggled and tilted his head to the side.  “Sunshine dog?” he asked, curiously. 

 

Tyler’s blush grew deeper.  “Oh, uh, when I was a kid I could never remember what they were called so I just called them sunshine dogs,” he said.  “Hold on - I thought the landlord didn’t allow pets in any of the apartments?” 

 

Josh seemed to hesitate.  “Well, um,  they have to allow service dogs and all that,” Josh explained, patting his hand against his thigh, to which caused Ruby to appear at his side. 

 

“Oh,” Tyler replied, dumbly.  “Why do you need a service dog?  I mean - if you don’t me asking.” 

 

“Mostly for mobility reasons.  I have some bad… balance issues and stuff, tend to get dizzy and I’ll end up falling over or whatever,” Josh answered, his voice muffled through nerves he suddenly had.  “I also have her for anxiety and stuff like that.” 

 

Tyler nodded understandingly as he stared longingly at the dog.  Josh smiled softly as he looked at Tyler.  “Do you wanna come in and pet her?  She loves new people.”

 

Tyler grinned and nodded excitedly, entering the apartment when Josh stepped to the side.  As Josh shut the door, Tyler kneeled to the ground and held his hand out to Ruby.  After giving a good sniff, Ruby figured he was good and leaned her head towards Tyler, licking her tongue all over her face. 

 

Josh smiled as Tyler giggled loudly, running his fingers through Ruby’s fur as she covered Tyler with slobbery kisses.  “I think she likes you,” Josh chuckled.

 

“She’s amazing, I love her,” Tyler declared as Ruby rolled onto her back so Tyler could rub her belly.

 

Josh kneeled down next to Tyler and combed his fingers through Ruby’s golden coat.  “Yeah, she’s the best,” he agreed.  

 

Tyler continued feeding his attention to Ruby’s, small squeaks escaping his lips anytime she did something cute.  He didn’t even notice Josh’s soft eyes staring at the side of his head.

 

“You know what I think would make her really happy?” Josh questioned, chewing on the inside part of his lips. 

 

“What?” Tyler hummed, beaming off of ecstasy from petting Ruby - he really  _ fucking loved _ dogs. 

 

“If you went out on a date with me tomorrow night,” Josh replied, a mix of nervous and confident in his voice. 

 

Tyler sucked in a breath.  “Look, Josh, you’re really nice and all, but like I told you last night - I don’t do the whole dating and relationship thing.” 

 

“Well then don’t think of it as like a romantic date, think of it as, uh, friend date,” Josh tried, grinning like giant fucking dork. 

 

Tyler snorted.  “A friend date?” he asked, to which he nodded.  “Tell me, what would this so-called ‘friend date’ look like?” 

 

Josh shrugged.  “It can look like whatever you want.  We can go to the movies, get pizza, play video games - whatever you’d like to do, friendo.” 

 

Tyler tapped his finger against his jaw.  “Hmm, let me think,” he teased, “tell me - not that this would affect my decision or anything - but Ruby be joining us by any chance?” 

 

Josh laughed.  “Most likely yes, Ruby will probably be joining us.” 

 

“Then yes, I would love to go on a ‘friend date’ with you, Josh,” Tyler said, smiling as he watched Josh beam. 

 

“Awesome, that’s sick.  Do you just wanna come by tomorrow and we can just hang out here?” Josh asked, scratching behind Ruby’s ear when she began pawing at him for not petting her.

 

Tyler nodded.  “Yeah, that’d be good.  What time do you want me to come by?” 

  
  


“Anytime is good really, I’m always here, so whenever works for you  I guess,” Josh answered, seeming sheepish.

 

“Oh okay, cool,” Tyler replied, lamely.  After a few more minutes of petting of Ruby, Tyler figured he probably over welcomed his stay and should probably go.  

 

“Well, I guess I should leave you to your drumming and… stuff,” Tyler said, standing up and inwardly kicking himself for sounding like an idiot. 

 

A sad look gleamed in Josh’s eyes for a second before a gentle smile  overtook his expression.  “Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

 

Tyler nodded as he began making his way out the door.  “See you tomorrow.”

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case any of you are wondering, I also really fucking love dogs.   
> Hope you liked this chapter ! Please let me know what you think ! Feedback is always appreciated ! xx


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost five a.m, please forgive me for any typos/mistakes

Tyler knew he had made a mistake saying yes to Josh when he woke the next afternoon, the familiar heaviness sitting uncomfortably on his chest.  Staring out the rain soaked window, Tyler swore he could feel the weight of every bone in his body.  It made his head spin and his wrist throb.  

 

Turning his gaze to the clock, his vision went foggy as he stared at the numbers ‘2:43’ that stared back at him.  He groaned and curved his body to a ball, coiling into himself.  Squeezing his eyes shut, his throat tighten as the desire to scream grew in his chest.   _ He hated this.  He hated this.  He hated this.  _

 

Sundays were never good days - he should’ve known better.  He should’ve known that two good days didn’t mean he finally crawled out of the hole.  He should’ve known that Sundays would kick him back down.   _ He should have known.   _

 

Irrational disappointment settled into Tyler’s veins, making his eyes burn with frustration.  With his heartbeat in sync with the splashing of the raindrops on the window pane, he felt the weather was fitting with the storm waging in his head.  

 

Every logical part of him told him that he shouldn’t expect himself to be better - that getting better took time.  But in that moment, Tyler could care less about what the rational part of him said - he just wanted to feel again. 

 

At the sound of his bedroom door opening, Tyler didn’t bother looking or moving so his back wasn’t facing the door.  Considering it was almost three o’clock in the afternoon, Tyler couldn’t blame Jenna for coming to check on him.  He also couldn’t blame the guilt that stirred his stomach. 

 

“Tyler?  You awake?” Jenna questioned, her voice soft and gentle.  Tyler nodded wordlessly and listened as she suppressed a sigh.  “You know it’s past 2:30?” Another nod, another sigh. 

 

Tyler felt the bed dip down as Jenna sat next to him.  She moved her fingers up into his hair, tracing her long nails over his scalp.  Tyler’s shoulders relaxed under her touch and he turned himself so that he was closer to her.  Warmth radiated off of her and Tyler tried to soak up as much as he could. 

 

“Is something bothering you, Ty?” Jenna asked, gently stroking Tyler’s hair. 

 

Tyler shrugged.  “I dunno.” 

 

“Something you wanna talk about?” 

 

“I dunno.” 

 

“Is there something I can do to help you?” Jenna continued asking, her voice shifting, almost as if she was pleading. 

 

“I don’t know,” Tyler repeated, this time more forcefully.  “I just don’t… feel good.”

 

“As in you’re sick?” Jenna asked, knitting her eyebrows together. 

 

Tyler shook his head.  “No, no.  I just feel - heavy, I feel heavy.  That’s the best way I can describe it, I guess.” 

 

Jenna sat silent for a moment, chewing on her bottom lip as she thought to herself.  Tyler watched as she stood up from the bed, cracking her knuckles before she grabbed both of Tyler’s arms.  He let out an ‘oof’ sound as she pulled him off the bed, ending with him hitting his knee directly on the floor. 

 

Tyler groaned as he leaned against the side of his bed, rubbing his now throbbing knee.  He looked up at Jenna with narrowed eyes.  “Why’d you do that?” 

 

“If you were heavy, then I - a weak ass bitch - would not have been able to pull you off the bed,” she explained, biting down on the inside of her cheek as a small smile played on her lips. 

 

Tyler clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth as he tried to swallow a laugh. “You know that's not what I meant.”

 

“Yeah, but it made you smile, so that's all that matters to me,” she said, holding a hand out to Tyler, which he gratefully took. 

 

She pulled him up to his feet and wrapped a steady arm around his shoulders when he began to sway a little.  He blinked away the black dots that clouded his vision and Jenna offered him a soft smile. 

 

“You need some water and food, c’mon,” she instructed, leading Tyler out of his bedroom and towards the kitchen.  He simply nodded, too weak to protest. 

 

Entering the kitchen, Tyler hopped onto the counter as Jenna handed him some kind of granola bar. He chewed it slowly as she poured a glass of water, missing the ache that hunger gave him. 

 

When he finished the bar, Jenna held out the glass of water and a familiar orange bottle to Tyler.  He opened his mouth to protest, but she beat him to it. 

 

“I don't want to hear it Tyler. You were prescribed these for a reason - to  _ help  _ you. It’ll help make you feel better,” she stated, “it's like cold medicine, but for your brain.” 

 

Tyler sighed as he took the glass and the pill bottle.  Feeling Jenna’s demanding stare, he tossed the green and white pills into his palm. Popping them into his mouth, he took a gulp of water and swallowed the pills. 

 

“There, happy?” he asked, opening his mouth and sticking his tongue to her. 

 

Jenna nodded. “Very, now how about you go get in the shower than you don't have dirty hair for your date with Josh.” 

 

Tyler furrowed his brow. “How’d you find out about that?” 

 

“Debby told me, apparently it was all Josh could talk to her about yesterday after you left,” Jenna smirked, poking Tyler’s side teasingly. 

 

Tyler felt his cheeks heat up as he began wringing his hands, staring at his feet.  “Well, first of all, it’s not a date. It's a … friend date.” 

 

Jenna shot him a look. “A friend date?” 

 

“Yes Jenna, a friend date. Do you have a problem with it?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest and resisting the urge to laugh. 

 

Jenna curled her lips and shook her head. “No problem here whatsoever.” 

 

“Good,” he said, hopping off the counter. “Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get ready for my  _ friend  _ date.” 

 

Jenna giggled as Tyler left the kitchen and went to the bathroom.  He hurriedly took a shower, forcing himself to not just stand under the hot water and do nothing.  Getting out of the shower, he wrapped himself in a towel and quickly brushed his teeth.  Soon he left the bathroom and made his way to his room.  Throwing on a hoodie, jeans, and some shoes, Tyler mused with his wet hair until he deemed it as good enough.

 

The ache from earlier had slowly been replaced with a numb feeling, along with an inconsistent wave of nausea continued to hit him as he got ready.  He wasn’t sure if it was anxiety or just a side effect from the pills - maybe both.

 

Grabbing his phone and keys, Tyler left his room and made his way down the small hallway.  Giving Jenna a quick goodbye, Tyler exited the apartment and walked over to the staircase.  He travelled up to Josh’s floor and walked over to his door.  Staring at the door, anxiety pushed another wave of dread that stirred in his stomach.  Before he could decided to run away, his hand developed a mind of its own and knocked on the door. 

 

Within a few seconds, the door swung open and revealed Josh, who was holding a bloody tissue to his nose as he looked down at the ground.  He shook his head as he let out a soft, shaky laugh.

 

“You’ve got some bad timing, Tyler Joseph,” Josh stated, voice muffled by tissues. 

 

“Holy shit, dude are you okay?” he asked.  Tyler stared at him with wide eyes, his hands ghosting over Josh, unsure of what to do.  

 

Josh waved him off and stepped to the side.  “Yeah, I’m fine, it’ll be over in a second.  You can come on in.”  Hesitantly, Tyler entered the apartment and stared with concern as Josh shut the door.  “I’m gonna go to the bathroom to… take care of this.  You can go ahead and make yourself at home, Ruby should be excited to see you.” 

 

Tyler nodded and watched as Josh went over to a door on the other side of the room.  Soon after he closed the door, Tyler heard the pitter-patter of paws and turned to see Ruby coming from what Tyler presumed was Josh’s bedroom. 

 

“Hi Ruby,” Tyler greeted, his voice going up an octave as he kneeled down to her level.  Ruby shoved her nose into Tyler’s face and began to cover his face with slobbery kisses.  He giggled quietly as he scratched behind her ear, earning him a very enthusiastic tail wag. 

 

After a few minutes, Josh emerged from the bathroom with his face clear of any blood.  Josh offered Tyler a nervous smile as he walked over to where Tyler sat on the floor with Ruby.

 

“Hey, sorry about that,” Josh said, running his fingers through Ruby’s fur. 

 

“Oh no, don’t apologize, it’s totally fine,” Tyler quickly assured, standing up so he didn’t have to look up at Josh to talk to him.  “So, tell me Josh, what do you have planned for our friend date?” 

 

Josh shrugged.  “I didn’t really plan anything, I was just gonna see what you wanted to do,” he replied, scratching the back of his neck.  Tyler smiled to himself as he watched Josh’s cheeks slowly match his red hair.  “We can watch a movie, go get some food, play some video games - whatever you want.” 

 

As Tyler thought for a moment, his stomach decided to make the decision for him and growl loudly, the granola bar from earlier no longer holding him down.  Josh chuckled as Tyler shot him a bashful smile.  

 

“How about we go get some Taco Bell or something?” Josh offered, a small smile crinkling the edges of his eyes, making Tyler melt a little.  

 

“You’re a man after my heart, Josh Dun,” Tyler replied, placing a hand over his chest for dramatic effect, earning him a soft giggle from Josh. 

 

“Cool, I just gotta get Ruby all set up and then we can head out,” Josh said, patting his thigh and having Ruby follow him as he walked over to a chest.  He pulled a leash and a vest with some kind of metal thing attached to it.

 

“What’s that?” Tyler asked, gesturing to the metal thing as Josh wrapped Ruby up in the red vest. 

 

“It’s a brace,” Josh answered, clipping the leash to Ruby’s collar.  “It allows me to lean on her for support if I need it.” 

 

“Oh, that’s really cool,” Tyler commented, watching as Josh took a hold of the brace and leash in one hand and beckoned Ruby to follow him to the front door.  

 

Together they walked out of the apartment, Josh shutting and locking the door behind them.  They made their way over to the elevator Tyler forgot the building had, Josh pressing the down button and the two walking in when the doors opened. 

 

“So how long have you had Ruby?” Tyler asked when silence in the elevator became too much for him to handle.  

 

“About four years,” Josh began, the two walking off the elevator when the doors opened back up.  “I got her when she was just a little puppy, I was there the whole time she was training to be a service dog and all that.” 

 

Tyler smiled as he looked between Josh and Ruby.  “That’s so sweet,” he said, walking out of the apartment building with Josh by his side.  Luckily there was a Taco Bell not too far from their building so they could easily walk there.

 

“So is it nice being able to bring your dog wherever you like or is it a bit of a hassle?” Tyler asked, genuinely curious.  He shoved his hands in his hoodie pockets as the three of them walked down the pavement.

 

Josh shrugged.  “Depends where I am, I guess.  It’s cool at work because she gets along really well with everyone and she attracts more customers, but it’s annoying when I go grocery shopping and it’s hard to get around,” Josh answered, waving his free hand around as he spoke. 

 

Tyler nodded as they eventually reached the Taco Bell.  He ran up to the door and held it open for Josh and Ruby.  He followed close after them and they went up to the counter, where they both ordered their food.  After getting their food, they found a table in the corner of the restaurant and sat down. 

 

“So Tyler,” Josh started, taking a chip and handing it to Ruby, who took it with great pleasure. 

 

“So Josh,” Tyler echoed, swallowing the bite of taco he had in his mouth.

 

“Other than the fact you work at some publishing company, don’t like parties, and you eat hot dogs with a knife and fork,” Josh interrupted himself as he sputtered out a few giggles, making Tyler roll his eyes, but smile nonetheless.  “Besides all these very important facts, I don’t know really know much about you, Tyler Joseph.”

 

“Well, what do you want to know?” Tyler questioned, anxiety beginning to gnaw at his stomach.

 

“What’s your favorite color?” Josh asked, very seriously.  His face was hardened as he stared at Tyler, obviously finding this question to be very important. 

 

Tyler snorted.  “Uh, yellow I guess.” 

 

Josh lifted his brows in surprise.  “Huh, I kinda took you as a ‘black is my favorite color’ kind of guy.  Maybe red, but definitely not yellow”

 

“Geez Josh, I’m not that emo,” Tyler teased, causing Josh to erupt into giggles.  “How about you?  What’s your favorite color?” 

 

Josh pointed to his hair and Ruby’s vest.  “I thought I was making it obvious,” he joked, chuckling at his own joke.  “When’s your birthday?” 

 

“December 1st, you?” 

 

“June 18th.  If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?” Josh asked, with the same serious intent as the first question. 

 

Tyler blinked several times.  “If I were a tree….what kind of tree would I be?” Tyler echoed, wanting to make sure he didn’t just have an aneurysm and understood Josh correctly.  Josh gave a curt nod to confirm and Tyler laughed through his nose.  “Well, if I wanted to be super emo I would probably say weeping willow, but if we’re shooting for accuracy, it’d probably be a joshua tree.”

 

“I think you mean if  _ I  _ was a tree, I’d be a joshua tree,” Josh added, clapping his hands together as he laughed at his own joke.  Tyler shook his head and ate his taco as Josh continued to laugh at himself. 

 

“What scares you?” Tyler asked, propping his elbow onto the table and leaning against his fist as he stared at Josh. 

 

“Are you looking for simple fears or super deep philosophical fears that keep me awake at two in the morning?” Josh asked, sneaking another chip into Ruby’s mouth.

 

“Both is good,” Tyler decided. 

 

Josh thought for a moment.  “Well, uh, simply, probably like needles and the dark.  But for the deep stuff, I’d say I’m terrified of wasting what little time I have in this life.  Like, I don’t wanna be on my deathbed and look back at all the things I regret I didn’t do.”

 

Tyler nodded.  “So do you have like a bucket list or something?” 

 

“Not really.  I mean, obviously I have things I wanna do before I die, but everyone does,” Josh answered, pushing around his food, his mood suddenly shifting. 

 

“What’s one thing you absolutely know you want to do without a doubt?” Tyler asked, noticing Ruby seemed much more alert.  She must have also been aware of the mood swing.

 

Josh sighed to himself.  “I wanna fall in love - which I know sounds super cheesy and stupid, but it’s just something I wanna experience ya know?  I mean, how sad would it be to die and to never experience love in that way.” 

 

Tyler blinked, taken aback by his answer.  “You’ve never fallen in love?” 

 

Josh shook his head.  “Nope, only ever had silly little crushes, never love,” he replied, nibbling on a chip.  “Have you ever fallen in love?”  

 

Tyler hesitated.  “Yeah, I have.  Didn’t end well, though.  I was really young and stupid at the time - I did some awful things to that person and that person did something awful in return,” he replied, ignoring the part in his thoughts that was telling him to shut up.  “It wasn’t the best of loves, but it was love.” 

 

“Better to love and to lost than to have never loved at all, right?” Josh recited, a weak smile edging around the corners of his lips. 

 

Tyler thought for a moment.  “I actually don’t think that’s true, at least in my case.  Sometimes I don’t think love is worth all the heartache that comes along with it.” 

 

“Well, that’s where we’ll have to disagree, Tyler Joseph,” Josh remarked, “life is all about loving, breaking, and learning.  You will never experience life for all it has to offer if you’re too scared of getting hurt to actually live.” 

 

Tyler didn’t want to admit it, but perhaps Josh was right.  Maybe sometimes it was okay to let go of control and let life do its thing.  Maybe it was okay to hurt.  Maybe hurting again is the beginning of feeling again. 

  
  
  
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> O my goodness I'm so sorry this took me so long ?? Typically I'm much more on top of updates but I've just been busy and I was having a lot of difficulty writing this chapter. I hope the wait was worth it for you guys though !!

“Would rather have razor blades for eyelashes or have bees for a tongue?” Josh asked as the two of them walked out of the Taco Bell together. Tyler paused on the other side of the door, folding his arms over his chest as he stared long and hard at Josh.

“Dude, what the fuck?” Tyler questioned, resisting the urge to laugh because seriously- what the fuck? “How did we go from “would you rather eat five ghost peppers or change your name to ‘cunt’ forever” to this?”

Josh smirked and Tyler’s pretty sure even Ruby gave him an odd look. “Look Tyler, just because you want to ask boring questions, doesn’t mean I can’t be creative.”

“This isn’t creativity, this is insanity,” Tyler argued, staring at Josh through scrunched up brows as they walked down the street together.

Josh shrugged and shot him a smile. “Eh, what’s the difference?” he remarked, “anyway - you haven’t answered the question.”

Tyler shook his head. “I don’t fucking know!” Tyler exclaimed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Um, I guess the razor blades for eyelashes.”

“Huh, I would go for the bees in the mouth,” Josh said, earning him another puzzled look from Tyler. “I mean, you would literally be cutting up your eyes every time you blinked, BUT with bees for a tongue, it’s like a constant party in your mouth.”

Tyler squinted his eyes at Josh. “I don’t think you understand how bees work.”

Josh threw his head back laughing as the two stop around a corner. His expression settled into a soft smile as his laughter died out. “So, what do you want to do next?” he asked, fiddling with the handle of Ruby’s leash.

“Whatever you want to do, I guess,” Tyler replied, biting down on the inside of his lip.

“Well that’s not really helpful,” Josh snorted, his eyes crinkling around a smile. “I don’t really go out all that much so I don’t really know what’s around, besides Taco Bell and a park that’s a couple streets from here.”

“Well, I don’t think we should go back to Taco Bell, so I guess that just leaves the park,” Tyler replied, wringing the fabric of his hoodie through his hands.

Josh gave a curt nod. “Then to the park we shall go,” Josh declared, marching around the corner, both Ruby and Tyler following behind him.

Luckily enough, the park wasn’t that far from where they were and they walked there within a few minutes. The area was small, with just enough room for a sandbox, a swing set, a metal slide (that Tyler was 78% sure was a hazard), monkey bars, and some benches. The park was mostly deserted, besides a couple kids in the sandbox and a woman sitting nearby.

“C’mon, let’s go on the swings,” Josh said, grasping Tyler’s hand into his clutch and dragging him across the park, Tyler almost slipping on the dewy grass. Tyler’s arm tightened at the sudden touch and shock of Josh’s cold skin against his own.

Reaching the swingset, Josh let go of Tyler’s hand and hopped onto one of the rickety swings. Ruby sat on the ground next to Josh as he lamely kicked his legs back and forth, barely lifting himself up. Josh looked to Tyler and patted the swing next to his, offering him a shining smile.

The glitter that illuminated Josh’s eyes was enough to make Tyler weak at the knees, so he obliged and sat down next to Josh.

The two sat wordlessly for quite sometime, merely swinging back and forth and shooting each other small smiles. Though the silence wasn't awkward, it made Tyler squirm uncomfortably. He was never one for silence. Nerves floated in his veins uncontrollably, making him wish he had brought his pack with him.

“Hey Tyler?” Josh began, breaking the silence, to which Tyler was grateful for.

“Yeah?” Tyler replied, wrapping a fist around the chain of the swingset. He traced shapes in the dirt with the tip of his shoes, sparing a couple glances towards Josh.

“On Friday, I was helping Debby set up for the party, and she mentioned something about you,” Josh started, licking his lips as a small laugh escaped. Tyler looked at Josh through concerned pulled brows, nervous to see where he was going. “I just gotta ask - what the hell is the ‘Christmas Lights Break-In’?”

A burst of laughter left Tyler’s chest as he relaxed in relief. “Okay so basically, one time during one of Debby’s parties, Pete showed up with acid and he offered some to me, and I was already drunk so I said yes,” Tyler told Josh, who stared at Tyler with wide eyes and his mouth gaped opened. “Now, I have no memory of what happened that night, but according to Jenna, I broke into the neighbor’s apartment and took the liberty of decorating his place with Christmas lights.”

Josh spewed with laughter as his head swung back, gripping the chains as he began swinging back and forth. Ruby perked up at the loud sound that came from Josh and began making concerned circles around him, only sitting back down when he realized he was fine.

“Holy shit, that’s incredible,” Josh laughed, “how did the guy react when he found his apartment like that?”

“Pretty chill, actually,” Tyler answered, “the guy - Patrick - is actually going out with Pete now, so I guess it all worked out, really.”

“You seem to be full of stories and surprises, Tyler Joseph,” Josh commented, resting his head against his fist around the chain.

Tyler shrugged. “I guess there’s more to me than my resting emo face makes me out to be,” he said, making another laugh escape Josh’s lips. “How about you? You got any drunk stories?”

Josh shook his head. “Nah, I don't really drink. Though the first time Pete gave me weed, I ended up renting this foreign nature documentary about peacocks while I was high.”

Tyler snorted. “These stories are just evidence neither one of us should hang out with Pete.”

Josh hummed and nodded, swinging his legs over the dirt. Tyler watched as Ruby began circling around Josh, nudging her nose against his thigh, trying to gain his attention.

Tracing his hand over her head, Josh smiled softly before turning to Tyler. “We should probably be heading back, if that's cool with you,” Josh said, slowly standing up and brushing dirt off of himself.

Tyler nodded and stood up as well, giggling softly when Ruby began trotting around him. Josh watched with a soft smile before taking a hold of her and leading the three of them away from the park.

“Ya know,” Josh started, seeming to walk slower than before, staying by Tyler’s side as they made their way down the pavement. “We never finished our game of would you rather.”

Tyler laughed through his nose and shook his head. “You're ridiculous, Josh Dun, you know that?”

Josh simply grinned. “Humor me, Tyler Joseph.”

Tyler rolled his eyes, but smiled nonetheless. “Okay, would you rather have no knees or no elbows?”

Josh began to giggle uncontrollably as he considered the question. “Oh wow, I don't even know.”

“Basically do you want this your whole life?” Tyler asked, pausing in the middle of the walkway and sticking his arms straight out. “Or, do you want this your whole life?” Tyler stiffened and straightened his legs, trying to maintain a serious face.

“Uh, here's the thing - if I didn't have any knees, I would be considered a freak,” Josh replied, “same with the no elbows, but I would rather be able to eat food still.”

Tyler curled his lips under his teeth as he tried not to life. “So you're going with the no knees?”

“Yeah, I'll probably go with the no knees so I can still eat food,” Josh decided, fidgeting with his hair.

Tyler thought for a moment. “I bet you could - like, if you had no elbows, you could prepare the food right here,” Tyler began, holding his arms out and gesturing with his left arm. “And then you just kinda lift your arms up so you can eat.” Tyler raised his arms over his head and leaned over as Josh continued to giggle.

“Why do you have to put your hands in the air like that?” Josh asked, scrunching his eyebrows in together.

“I just get them out of the way - ya know what I mean? Like, you don't wanna hit ‘em,” Tyler explained, walking around the corner with Josh and Ruby by his side.

Josh laughed and shook his head as they reached their apartment building. “Alright, would you rather be able to go back in time or go forward in time?”

“Um, I'm gonna have to say go backwards,” Tyler answered as they entered the main level of the building.

“And what would you do in the past?” Josh asked, hitting the up button the elevator.

Tyler thought for a moment and laughed quietly to himself as they entered the elevator. “If I could go back to the past, I would go to the guy or girl who first saw a banana and wanted to eat it and go - NO, you will not eat that and none of us will.”

Josh laughed and nodded. “I take it you don't like bananas very much?”

Tyler made a gagging noise. “Oh gosh no, they're fucking disgusting.”

“I completely agree,” Josh said as the elevator doors opened and they stepped out into the hallway. “See? We’re learning so much about each other. I'd definitely say this friend date has been very successful so far.”

Tyler hummed in agreement as they reached Josh’s apartment. “Do you wanna come in or have you gotten sick of me already?” Josh asked, lightheartedly as he unlocked the front door.

Tyler offered him a soft smile. “I'm not sick of you,” he assured, feeling his chest flutter when Josh beamed at his words.

Josh opened the door and stepped into the room, Tyler following close behind. After shutting the door, Josh quickly took off Ruby’s leash and brace before letting her loose in the apartment.

“So you wanna watch a movie or something?” Josh asked as he set the leash and brace back into the chest.

“Yeah sure, whatcha got?” Tyler asked, hesitantly sitting down on Josh’s beat up couch.

Josh shrugged as he opened a drawer and went browsing through DVD cases. “I dunno, mostly 80s movies if you like those.”

“Then pick whatever you think the best 80s movie is,” Tyler told him, tugging at the strings of his hoodie.

Josh hummed to himself as his fingers traced over the spines of the cases, stopping when he picked up one. “Do you like Princess Bride?” Josh asked, showing the case to Tyler.

Tyler chewed on the inside of his cheek. “Okay, don't kill me, but I've never actually seen Princess Bride.”

Josh’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head as his mouth gaped open. “What? How have you never seen it?” he asked, opening the movie case and placing the disc into a DVD player. “We have to watch it now.”

Grabbing the remote, Josh flipped on the movie before settling down on the couch next to Tyler. Ruby soon took notice and jumped into the couch, laying across both Tyler and Josh’s laps.

As the two sat and laughed at the movie together, Tyler surprised himself with how comfortable he found. He was also surprised when he realized that in that moment, he didn't feel the ache in his chest.

 

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another filler/venting chapter because I had a bad week and this chapter was incredibly hard for me to write for some reason 
> 
> sorry this took me so long xx

Tyler wasn't sure if his lack of sleep was due to his racing mind or the abdominal snores coming from Jenna’s room all night. With the sound so loud and obnoxious, Tyler eventually moved from his room to the living room in the middle of the night.

Tyler sat with his knees pulled up to his chin, arms wrapped loosely around his legs. He stared out the window to his left, watching as the sun slowly lifted from the hills and gave a dull glow to the lavender skies. He felt the weight of the bags beneath his eyes, a minor migraine crawling around his temples, chest heavy with exhaustion.

Grabbing up his phone, Tyler clicked it on and ‘6:07’ glared back at him. A quiet groan blew from his lips and he rubbed his knuckles against his burning eyes. Tyler wished he could just call in sick for work, but nine times in a row would probably appear suspicious.

His gaze soon became fixated on the pack of cigarettes, the itch around his lips begging him to grab one. He hadn’t smoked since Jenna dumped water on him. He wondered if just one cigarette was worth getting soaked again.

With a sigh, Tyler turned his gaze back to the window, electing to ignore the voice that told him to get up and just do something. The voice grew muffled as Tyler began to space out, thoughts too rampant.

His mind stirred his thoughts to the night before, his chest tightening as his head was flooded with images of Josh. He terrified Tyler, if he was being completely honest. He's barely known him for a few days and he already had managed to shift Tyler’s once stubborn perceptions. He wasn't sure what it was about Josh, but Tyler couldn't help but feel drawn to him, as cliché and ridiculous as it sounded.

Tyler forced in a shaky breath as he pulled himself out his thoughts, vision becoming slightly blurred as he left his head. Palming the side of his head, Tyler squeezed his eyes shut until the fog dissipated.

At the sound of a door opening and closing, Tyler turned his attention towards the narrow hallway. His head slouched back down to the couch when he saw familiar blue eyes emerged from the bedroom. Jenna offered a sleepy smile as she padded over to Tyler.

“You’re up early,” she murmured, walking behind Tyler and running her fingers through his hair. Tyler hummed contently as he felt her nails trail across his head.

“Eh, more like I was up late,” Tyler said, leaning into Jenna’s warm hands. Tyler scrubbed his eyes with his knuckles as he looked up at Jenna, whose brows we drawn together in concern.

“You didn’t sleep at all? You do realize we have to go to work today, right?” Jenna questioned, adding a lighthearted laugh to the end of her words, though Tyler could still sense the worry in her voice.

“Yeah, I know. I just couldn’t sleep, s’all,” Tyler replied, his eyes fluttering shut for a second.

“How come?” Jenna asked, running her teeth over her lips.

“Just caught up in thinking about things and … stuff,” Tyler answered, oh-so eloquently. Tyler averted his gaze to hands and began playing with the strings on his hoodie.

“What kind of stuff and things?” Jenna continued to press, her fingers working in a pattern through his hair, creating small braids with the fluff of his hair. Perhaps he should get it cut.

Tyler chewed on the inside of his cheek, his nails scraping against the scab that had formed on his wrist. “Brendon, I’ve been thinking about Brendon a lot lately,” he answered, his voice quiet.

Jenna raised her brows. “What brought that on?”

Tyler shrugged his shoulders. “I dunno, maybe you, maybe Josh,” Tyler said, “he said something to me yesterday, made me think about stuff, I guess.”

“Is that a good thing?” Jenna asked.

“Maybe, I dunno - I just don’t know,” Tyler replied, rubbing his palm across his face. “I just… I just wanna move on, ya know? I’m so sick of feeling like this all the time, I want to get over this.”

“That’s good, Ty, you’re doing so good,” Jenna praised, pressing a soft kiss into his hair. “One day you’ll be okay, yeah? One day you’ll be able to say you’re okay.”

Tyler faked a gag. “Geez Jenna, you’re beginning to sound like a fucking Hallmark movie,” Tyler blanched, rolling his eyes, but smiling nonetheless.

Jenna scoffed in fake offense. “I’ll take that as a compliment,” she stated, biting down on the inside of her cheek to keep herself from smiling. “Now come on and get up, if you get ready in time, I’ll take you to get coffee that’s actually good.”

Tyler nodded and slowly got up, legs whining in pain from remaining still for hours. Groggily, Tyler moved down the hallway and into his bedroom. He quickly peeled off the hoodie and jeans he had left on from yesterday and threw on nicer clothes instead. He soon left his bedroom and headed over to the bathroom, hurriedly brushing his teeth and making his hair look as presentable as possible. Tyler made his way back to the living room, where Jenna was already waiting on the couch, full face of makeup and dressed nicely.

“How do you manage to get ready so fast?” Tyler asked in disbelief as Jenna stood up.

Jenna smirked slyly as she grabbed her keys, shrugging her shoulders wordlessly. The two trailed out of the apartment together and made their way downstairs. They left the building and began walking down to a nearby coffee shop. It was still pretty early, so the shop was fairly empty.

Walking up to the counter, Jenna offered the familiar barista a soft smile. “Hey Patrick, how are you?” she asked, her voice sweet.

A smile crinkled around green eyes as they landed on Jenna and Tyler. “Hi Jenna, I’m good, thanks for asking. What can I get for you guys?”

“Just two black coffees, please,” Jenna replied. Patrick nodded and quickly punched the order into the cash register. “So, how’s Pete doing? I haven’t heard much from him since the party,” she questioned as she began digging money out of her purse.

“Oh, he’s alright mostly, he’s just been nursing a killer hangover from the party,” Patrick answered as Jenna handed him a ten dollar bill.

Jenna cringed sympathetically. “Well, I hope he feels better soon.” Patrick nodded and smiled as he turned to make their coffee. The two of them walked over to the end of the counter and Tyler stood awkwardly next to Jenna as she typed away on her phone, his hands shoved uncomfortably into his pockets.

Looking at Jenna, he noticed her expression had contorted into a grimace as she narrowed her eyes at her phone. Tyler raised a worried eyebrow at her as his hand ghosted around her arm.

“Hey, you alright? You look upset,” Tyler commented, his words painted with concern.

After staring at her phone for a moment, Jenna looked up at Tyler and she shook away her discontent face. “Oh, no, I’m fine. Just talking to Debby about… stuff.”

Tyler bit down on his lip, unconvinced by Jenna’s answer, but he decided it was best left alone as Jenna’s attention returned to her screen.

A couple minutes later, Patrick gave them their coffee and the two left the shop, making their way down to where they worked. Tyler drank his coffee greedily as they walked across the pavement, finding an odd comfort in the burning liquid sliding down his throat.

As they entered the company’s building, Tyler could feel himself becoming disengaged from his surroundings. His body went on autopilot as him and Jenna made their way to their desks. Tyler watched himself from a third person point of view as he sat down and began sorting through pointless emails and paperwork.

With every intake of breath he took, Tyler could feel the cold air settling in his lungs. He felt every blink as he stared at his computer screen. He felt the weight of the pen he held between his fingers as he wrote down marks and notes. He didn’t feel it when Jenna tapped him on the shoulder and began asking him a question. He didn’t hear what she asked and he didn’t feel it when he nodded and smiled to her.

Robotically, Tyler continued through his workload, time passing through him like wind. It flew by quickly, Tyler mostly unaware of it going by. He was eventually pulled out of his head by the feeling of his phone vibrating in his pocket. He pulled it out and stared at the screen.

josh: pete gave me a bag of weed and a recipe for brownies at work today. wanna try it with me tonite?

tyler: If I knew this was the kind of stuff you’d be texting me about, I would’ve never given you my phone number last night

josh: haha sorry i meant to text that to Debby. sorry for bothering ya

tyler: Awe does that mean I’m no longer invited to try any weed brownies?

josh: if you really want i wouldn’t mind

tyler: Oh cool, I’ll swing by after to work

josh: sick. what time do you get off ?

tyler: 5:00

josh: cool see ya then

tyler: See ya

Looking up at the top of his screen, Tyler blinked in surprise when he saw the time read ‘4:32.’ “How the fuck did time go by that fast?” Tyler thought to himself.

Shaking it off, Tyler decided to pass the last thirty minutes by staring at his computer screen, pretending to be working every time his boss passed by him.

When the hands on the clock finally positioned themselves to read ‘5:00’, Tyler practically jumped out of his chair, eager to leave the hellhole he called work. Gathering up the notes he didn’t recall taking and his other stuff, he turned over to where Jenna was hunched over at her desk.

“You ready to go?” he asked, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder.

Jenna looked up from what she was doing and turned to Tyler, shaking her head. “I’m actually gonna stay a bit later, to uh, finish things up. You go home without me, yeah?”

Tyler shot her worried look, but nodded. “Alright, I’m heading over to Josh’s place, but you let me know if you need anything, okay?”

  
To Tyler’s surprise, Jenna gave no cheeky comment about him going over to Josh’s apartment and merely nodded, her focus back on the work in front of her. With concern still swimming in his chest, Tyler turned around and left her to her devices.

Leaving the building, a chill crawled down Tyler’s spine as he felt the cool air run across his skin. He hugged himself tight as he hurriedly walked down the street and towards the apartment building. Relief wrapped itself around him like a hug as he entered the warm building.

Tyler walked over to the staircase and climbed up to Josh’s level, easily finding himself in front of Josh’s door. He gave a quick knock on Josh’s front door and waited a few moments for the red haired boy to swing it open.

“Hey Tyler, long time no see,” Josh greeted, a small smile etched around his lips.

“Hi, nice to see you without a blood stained shirt or a bloody tissue up your nose,” Tyler teased, stepping into Josh’s apartment when he gestured for him to come in.

Josh rolled his eyes, but smiled nonetheless. “Haha, very funny, just come and help me make some weed brownies.”

Josh closed the door behind him and had Tyler follow him into the kitchen. In the kitchen, Tyler noticed he already had a pan burning with the scent of oil and weed.

“Awe, you started without me?” Tyler joked, folding his arms over his chest as he leaned against the counter.

“Kinda had to, making cannaoil takes like two hours to make,” Josh said, grabbing a wooden spoon that sat on the counter next to the pan and using it to stir the weed and oil.

“Cannaoil? You don't just like… put the weed into the batter?” Tyler asked, hesitantly, feeling like an idiot. He honestly didn't really know much about drugs, other than the fact that he swore in fourth grade to never do them.

Oh well.

Josh chuckled and shook his head. “Nah, you can't just put it into the batter. First off, you won't get high off of it. Secondly, if you do that, you'll end up with some fucking disgusting brownies.”

“Oh, I never thought making pot brownies was so complicated,” Tyler said, watching as Josh gave the pan once last stir before tossing the spoon into the sink.

“Can you pass me that bowl and strainer over there?” Josh asked, turning the burner off.

Tyler did as he was told and handed the plastic bowl and mesh strainer to Josh. Josh set the bowl onto the counter held the strainer above it, pouring the content of the pan through the strainer.

Josh then grabbed a box of brownie mix and began dumping the powder into the bowl. “Would you mind grabbing a couple eggs out of the fridge?” Josh asked as he poured some water into the bowl.

Tyler opened the fridge door and opened the carton of eggs, snatching two eggs from it. Tyler handed them to Josh, who effortlessly cracked them into the bowl.

Josh handed the bowl to Tyler with a spoon. “Here, stir this while I preheat the oven and grab a pan.”

Tyler nodded and took the bowl into his arms, stirring it as Josh kneeled down in front of the oven and pressed a couple buttons.

Josh opened a cupboard and took out a small metal pan, setting it down onto the counter. Once Tyler finished stirring the batter, Josh helped him evenly pour it into the pan. Once that was finished, Tyler helped Josh cleaned up their dishes as they waited for the oven.

“You seem distracted, Tyler,” Josh commented, as he scrubbed batter off of the bowl. “Something wrong?”

Tyler shrugged his shoulders as he dried off the wooden spoon. “Eh, probably not. I just feel spaced out today I guess.”

Josh nodded as he handed the bowl to Tyler to dry. “Well, maybe the brownies will get your mind off of it.”

A few minutes later, the oven beeped, signaling for the two boys to put the pan into oven. After some time passed, the smell of chocolate and weed flooded the air, making Tyler’s mouth water.

The oven beeped once more and Josh grabbed a towel to pull the pan of brownies out. Josh flipped the pan upside down and set it onto a wire rack to cool them down.

“Have you ever tried weed before?” Josh asked, grabbing a knife and cutting the brownies into squares.

“Nope, only ever smoked nicotine and tried acid like one time,” Tyler replied, chewing on the inside of his bottom lip.

“Well, you should know that edibles take a little longer to settle on than just straight up smoking it,” Josh said, taking one of the brownies and popping it into his mouth.

Josh handed a brownie to Tyler and he chewed it carefully, letting the taste settle into his mouth. Josh gave him and himself one last small one before deciding they needed to wait for the THC to kick in.

After about half an hour, felt an airy feeling in his chest they tickled his ribs, forcing a giggle to escape his lips. He slipped down to the ground and leaned up against the wall.

Josh peered at him curiously as he sat down next to him. “What's so funny, Ty?” he asked, a soft smile painted on his lips.

Tyler shrugged his shoulders dramatically and another giggle left his throat. “I dunno.” Tyler continued to giggle as Josh stared at him fondly.

“Hey hey hey - hey Josh,” Tyler said, his voice excited as he began poking Josh excitedly.

“Yeah Tyler?” Josh asked, leaning forward and pushing hair away from Tyler’s forehead. Tyler shivered as Josh’s cool fingers made contact with his warm skin.

“Your eyes look really pretty when you smile,” Tyler told him, staring deep into Josh’s warm eyes. They sparkled like gold and outshone the stars when his smile crinkled around his irises.

“Thanks Ty,” Josh said, the nickname slipping off his tongue with ease. Tyler normally hated it when people called him Ty, but Josh made it sound okay.

“You look pretty when you smile too,” Josh admitted, his voice quiet and shy. “I wish you would smile more.”

Tyler shrugged again. “Not much to smile about.”

“Oh there's plenty to smile about, you just have to look at it from a new perspective,” Josh argued, scrubbing his eyes with his knuckles. “If you're always looking at the world through gray colored lenses, you'll never see the color that surrounds you.”

Tyler gave a fond lopsided smile. “You always give the cheesiest advice, you know that?”

Josh returned the smile. “I just really fucking love cheese ya know,” he said, making Tyler erupt into giggles once more.

Tyler sighed as he stared at Josh, scooting himself closer to Josh. “You also have like super pretty lips.”

Josh raised his brows. “Oh really?”

Tyler nodded vigorously as he moved his hands towards Josh’s face, fingers tracing over Josh’s lips as he inspected them. “Oh yeah, they're...really nice.”

Josh leaned his head closer to Tyler’s and before he knew it, he felt Josh press his lips against his. Tyler’s eyes remained wide opened as Josh attempted to deepen the kiss, but Tyler ended up pushing him away.

“Sorry sorry sorry - I just, I'm sorry, I can't,” Tyler said, pulling his knees up to his chest as he pushed himself away from Josh.

Josh’s cheeks burned with red as he stared at the ground. “It's fine, I, uh, shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry.”

After that, the two sat in silence that was laced with tension. Tyler squirmed uncomfortably as he tried to focus on the fleeting feeling he felt within his veins. The silence was soon interrupted by the sound of Josh hacking up a coughing fit.

Tyler watched with concern as Josh stumbled onto his feet. He grabbed a paper towel and began to violently cough into it. After a few moments, the coughing seized and Josh grimaced as he stared at the towel.

“Are you alright?” Tyler asked, wishing he was sober enough to try and convince himself to help Josh out besides just sitting there.

Josh wiped his mouth and nodded as he folded up the towel, quickly tossing it into the trash bin. “Y-yeah, I'm fine,” Josh said, clearing his throat. “Uh, Tyler, maybe you should, um, go.”

His words took Tyler by surprise, but Tyler nodded wordlessly and stood up. With one last glance at Josh, the warm eyed boy gave Tyler a weak smile before he left the apartment.

With the effects of the brownie still in his system, Tyler stumbled down the hallway and down the stairs. Even with the euphoric feeling that rested in his veins, nothing could wash away the uncomfortable ache that settled deep into his bones.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope this was worth the wait! Please let me know what you think! Feedback is always appreciated! xx


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowie an update that didn't take an entire week to write and post? can you believe it? cause i certainly can't

Tyler didn't see Josh for another month after their incident in Josh’s kitchen.  Though the two didn’t see each other, Josh took habit to texting Tyler in the late hours of the night or the ungodly hours of the morning.  Not that it mattered to Tyler, he was always up anyways and would take any chance to talk to Josh.  He wanted to ask why Josh didn’t invite him over anymore, but a suffocating feeling took over him anytime he tried to, so he stuck to hiding behind a screen.

 

They never talked about what happened that night, which was slowly driving Tyler crazy.  He wanted to know if that kiss meant something, or if it was just due to the drugs.  He wanted to know if Josh was mad at him, for pushing him away, and if that was why Josh was avoiding him.  Was Josh avoiding him?  Or was Tyler just overthinking it?  Probably the latter - at least, he hoped so.

 

With all his racing thoughts clawing at his throat, Tyler somehow found himself back on the rooftop one night.  A cigarette in one hand and his phone with Josh’s name lit up on the screen in the other hand, Tyler sat with him shoulders leaning against the back of the ledge.  Tyler told himself the reason he was up there was to smoke, but a small, irrational part of him was doing it in hopes that Josh would find him again. 

 

His thumb typed lazy replies as Josh continued to text him, the subject matter unknown to Tyler who kept spacing out.  Bringing the cigarette to his lips, he blew out a puff of smoke as he stared at his glowing screen.  

 

**josh:** what’s your opinions on forts ? 

 

Tyler blinked as he looked at Josh’s text, pursing his lips as he looked back at their previous texts, to which he saw nothing that could’ve brought on the question.  Tyler wasn’t sure if Josh’s ability to bring up anything and talk about everything was endearing or annoying. 

 

**tyler:** I dunno, they look cool I guess.  I’ve never built one though 

 

**josh:** you’ve NEVER built a fort ???? how ??? 

 

**tyler:** it just wasn’t a thing I did when I was a kid, I guess I just had better things to do 

 

**josh:** better things to do than build a fort ? i didn’t think there was such a thing

 

**josh:** i just can’t believe you didn’t have a childhood

 

**tyler:** I did have a childhood, just one that didn’t involve building forts

 

**josh:** that’s not a true childhood

 

**tyler:** If you say so 

 

**josh:** i do say so 

 

**josh:** i really wanna build a fort now 

 

**tyler:** then build one 

 

**josh:** dude, building a fort is not a one-man job 

 

**josh:** come over and we’ll build one together.  i’ll give you the childhood you didn’t get

 

Remaining still, Tyler stared at the text and read it over again carefully.  His inside contorted uncomfortably as he grounded his cigarette into the cement.  He stood up quickly and rushed over to the door of the rooftop, blinking away black dots that flooded his vision. 

 

He raced down the stairs to Josh’s level, forcing himself to come to a sudden halt when he reached the hallway.  Going over to a nearby wall, Tyler leaned back and slung his arm over his torso as he tried to catch his breath.  When he was no longer panting, he walked over to Josh’s apartment and gave a hesitant knock. 

 

Tyler’s breath caught his throat when Josh opened the door.  Dark circles that surrounded his tired eyes stood in stark contrast to his translucent pale skin. He wore a giant sweatshirt with the hoodie pulled over his head and tucked beneath a gray beanie.  

 

Licking chapped lips, Josh offered him a weak smile. “Hi,” he said, his voice small. 

 

“Hi,” Tyler echoed, still a little taken aback by Josh’s poor appearance. 

 

“I honestly didn't think you would come,” Josh admitted, tucking his hands into the folds of his arms. 

 

Tyler scrunched his brows and tilted his head to the side. “Why would you think that?” 

 

Josh let out a weak laugh that sounded both nervous and bitter. “I haven't seen you in over a month, Tyler, I thought you were avoiding me.” 

 

Tyler ran his teeth over his lips and he chuckled to himself. “Funny - I thought you were avoiding me.” 

 

Josh stared at him like a lost puppy. “Why would I avoid you?” he asked, tugging nervously at the hem of his sweatshirt. 

 

“I figured you were mad at me for… how I reacted that night. I mean, you kinda kicked me out of your place, I think you can understand why I thought you were mad,” Tyler explained, quickly stopping himself from rambling. 

 

“I wasn't mad,” Josh told him, his face expressionless like a stone. “I just didn't feel well, figured you didn't want to be around someone who was sick.” 

 

“Well, you could've told me that,” Tyler muttered, wringing his hands against each other. 

 

Josh sighed and bit down on his bottom lip.  “I'm really sorry, Ty,” Josh said, almost pleadingly.  “What I did was really stupid, can we forget about it?” 

 

Tyler didn't want to forget about it. “Of course,” he said, Josh’s crestfallen expression making his chest burn.  If Josh could forget about the rooftop, he could forget about the kiss. 

 

Josh beamed and gave Tyler a warning smile.  “Cool - you ready to build your very first fort?” he asked, opening the door a bit wider and stepping off to the side. 

 

Tyler nodded and entered the apartment. As Josh shut the door, Tyler heard familiar padding of feet and watched as Ruby dashed out of Josh’s bedroom. She ran circles around Tyler and only sat still when he began petting her. 

 

“She missed you,” Josh told him, watching fondly as Ruby covered Tyler’s with slobbery kisses.  

 

After giving Ruby a proper hello, Tyler followed Josh over to his living room.  “Go ahead and grab those chairs over there,” Josh told Tyler as he moved his coffee table out of the way. 

 

Tyler nodded and took the two of the four chairs that sat around a small table, bringing them over to Josh. Josh took the chairs and sat them right in front of each end of the couch, making it so their backs faced each other.  Josh grabbed the other two chairs from the table and position right next to the other chairs.

 

Josh clapped his hands together. “Okay, now we need blankets,” he announced. He walked into his bedroom and after a few moments, returned with a giant pile of blankets in his arms. 

 

Josh set the pile down on the ground. “Okay, go ahead and lay a couple down on the ground, I’m gonna get some clothespins,” he said before returning to his bedroom. 

 

Tyler gave him an odd look, but did as he was told and laid down the softest blanket from the pile.  Josh then returned with a handful of clothespins and set them down on top of the chest.  Grabbing two blankets, he tossed one over to Tyler.

 

“Alright, so, take the hem of the blanket and then we’ll connect our blanket together with the clothespin,” Josh instructed, gathering up the end of his blanket.  Tyler obeyed and the the two brought their blankets together.  “Okay, just hold it and I’ll connect them together.” 

 

Tyler spread his arms out as he held the blankets together.  Josh grabbed a couple pins and clamped the blankets together.  Taking a hold of the end of one blanket, him and Tyler brought the blankets over to the chairs and laid it over the top of the backs.  Josh took a few books off his shelf and set them down on the chairs, keeping the blankets up and still. 

 

They repeated the action with several more blankets, stopping once they covered all the chairs and couch, going as far as to make an “entrance” to the fort.  Josh went back to his room once they were done with the blankets and then returned with a plethora of pillows.  He dumped them down on the ground and pushed the pillows into the fort, crawling inside and rearranging them. 

 

Josh exited the fort and bounced back onto his feet.  He went over to the chest and took out a giant flashlight before turning all the lights off.  He flicked the flashlight on and grinned into the light as he walked over to Tyler. 

 

“Ready to go into the fort?” Josh asked, the light shining on his pale skin making him look like a serial killer. 

 

Tyler snorted as he stared at Josh.  “Yeah, sure.” 

 

Tyler followed after Josh as they crawled into the fort.  Josh set the flashlight down in the center of the fort and the two settled in next to each other.  Ruby followed in after them and laid down next to Josh, quickly falling asleep.  Josh smiled at Tyler as he peered around the inside of the fort. 

 

“So, whatcha think of your very first fort?” Josh asked, grabbing one of the pillows and hugging it close to his chest.  He pulled the beanie off his head and pushed the hoodie off, revealing wild hair.

 

“I think it’s sick as frick,” Tyler replied, nodding in approval as he continued to glance around the fort.  Josh snorted and stared at Tyler fondly as the two sat in silence for a few moments.  Unlike last time, the silence wasn’t awkward, but was comforting instead. 

Tyler wasn’t sure how it happened, but Josh’s hand somehow became wrapped beneath his as the two sat next to one another.  His fingers were freezing as always, but it didn’t bother Tyler this time. 

 

“So what have you been up to for the past month?” Josh asked, murmuring.  His fingers played with Tyler’s, intertwining them together.

 

Tyler shrugged his shoulders.  “Not much really, I don’t live much of an exciting life,” he told Josh, “mostly just been working, but I think I might quit my job.” 

 

Josh raised his brows and tilted his head to the side.  “How come?” 

 

“I just fucking it, ya know?  Every time I go there, I just feel the life slowly being drained out of me,” Tyler explained, running his free hand through his already messy hair.  He cringed as he felt how long and curly it was getting - he really needed a haircut. 

 

“Then I say you should quit,” Josh decided, “life is too short for you to be doing something you hate.  If you don’t do what you love, you’ll die regretting it.” 

 

Tyler gave Josh a small smile.  “You know, you talk about dying a lot,” he commented, “let me guess, you used to own a shirt that said YOLO on it, didn’t you?” 

 

Josh snorted and shook his head.  “Surprisingly, no, I did not,” he said, “but it’s true, ya know.  We only get to live our life once - living is literally a once in a lifetime chance, it’d be pretty stupid to waste it.” 

 

Tyler nodded as he watched Josh’s face contort into an unreadable expression.  With a sense of deja vu, Tyler found himself staring at Josh’s lips.  Tyler licked his own lips as he leaned in closer to Josh.  “Can I try something?” he asked, chewing on the inside of his cheek.  His voice was low and quiet, as if he was revealing a secret.

 

Josh nodded wordlessly and Tyler cupped Josh’s gaunt cheek into his hand.  He pulled him close and pressed his lips against Josh’s chapped ones.  Josh moved his lips with Tyler’s as Tyler desperately gripped Josh’s hair.  As they deepened the kiss, Tyler pretended not to notice when a tear tracked down his cheek.

 

Releasing the kiss, they rested their foreheads against each other’s, panting hot breath into each other’s necks.  Tyler let go of Josh’s hair and also pretended that he didn’t feel the clump that came with it. 

 

Josh bit down on his already swollen lips.  “What did that mean?  I thought you said that you couldn-” 

 

“Just stop, don’t think about it,” Tyler interrupted, his voice strained and pleading.  “It doesn’t have to mean anything.  We can just be… friends that kiss - friends that kiss, go on dates, cuddle-”

 

“You wanna cuddle?” Josh asked, a small giggled escaped his lips.

 

Tyler sighed.  “Of course I wanna fucking cuddle, you’re so damn cold all the time, you need someone to keep you warm,” he said, his tone both frustrated and flustered.

 

Josh smiled sadly.  “Okay, if that’s what you want, we can just be friends that kiss and stuff.”

 

Tyler buried his face into the crook of Josh’s neck and let out another sigh.  “Thank you,” he said, relaxing a little as he felt Josh wrap his arms around his frame.

 

Josh nodded and traced his fingers through Tyler’s hair.  “What do you wanna do now, Ty?” 

 

Tyler shrugged lamely.  “I don’t care.” 

 

“How about I get my laptop and we can watch Netflix?” Josh suggested, to which Tyler nodded.  He pulled away from Josh’s embrace and watched as Josh crawled out of the fort, returning after a couple minutes with his laptop in his hand. 

 

Josh leaned back against the couch and set the laptop down on his thighs.  Tyler curled up around Josh’s frail frame, resting his head on his bony chest.  He watched through squinted eyes as Josh pulled up Netflix and started playing the first episode of X-Files.

 

Tyler felt his eyes begin to feel heavy as he listened to Josh’s steady heartbeat and the sound of Ruby snoring.  Exhaustion wiping over him like a wave, Tyler eventually shut his eyes and fell into peaceful oblivion. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is my favorite chapter so far, so I hoped you guys liked it as much as I did ! Please be sure to let me know what you guys think! Your feedback always encourages me and it means the world to me ! x


	9. Chapter 9

Tyler woke the next morning with his head no longer on top of Josh’s chest and the blanket that was formerly the roof of their fort now wrapped around his frame, a pillow tucked beneath his head.  Sitting up slowly, Tyler peered around the room in search of Josh.  Hearing some clinking and clanging coming from the kitchen, he stood up and padded over to the room. 

 

Josh stood in front of the stove, too focused on pouring pancake batter into a hot pan to notice Tyler coming in.  Tyler himself was too focused on the fact that Josh wasn’t wearing a shirt.  For as thin and frail as Josh appeared, Tyler was surprised by how fit he was.

 

“Tyler Joseph, are you checking me out?” Josh asked, grinning cheekily, not even sparing a glance at Tyler’s direction.  He flipped the pancake on the pan and rested his hand on his hip. 

 

Tyler’s cheeks burned bright red.  “N-no, I was just looking at your tattoos… didn’t know you had any,” he replied, his gazed fixated on the swirls of colors that covered Josh’s right arm.  He dragged his teeth over a smile when he noticed the heart on the inside of his left arm that had ‘MOM’ inside it.  “They’re really cool, I like them.” 

 

“Thanks,” Josh smiled, flopping the cooked pancake onto a paper plate that already held several.  “Do you have any?” 

 

“Yeah, got one on my arm and some on my chest,” he answered, “I’ve been wanting to get some more, but I’m not quite sure what yet.”  His finger traced over his wrist, feeling the small scars that had almost faded to nothing. 

 

“Sick - you’ll have to show me the ones on your chest sometime,” Josh winked, laughing to himself when the blush on Tyler’s cheeks deepened.  “You like pancakes, right?” 

 

Tyler scoffed.  “What kind of person doesn’t like pancakes?” 

 

Josh giggled and nodded his head in agreement.  He placed the pancakes evenly on two paper plates, handing one to Tyler along with a plastic fork.  Josh hopped onto the counter and Tyler followed suit, sitting next to him and placing the plate in his lap. 

 

Tyler rested his head on Josh’s shoulder as he slowly ate his pancakes.  “Last night was fun,” Tyler said, swallowing a bite.  “We should do it again.”

 

“Do what again?  Build a fort or kiss?” Josh asked, glancing down at Tyler, a small smile quipping at the corners of his lips. 

 

“Both.  Both is good,” Tyler nodded, nuzzling his head further into the crook of Josh’s neck, letting his cold skin cool his burning face.  “Though seriously dude, why are you always so damn cold?” 

 

Josh gently shrugged his shoulders.  “I dunno, maybe I’m actually a cold-blooded alien,” he replied through a mouth full of food, making Tyler cringe in disgust. 

 

“Well, you’re definitely the prettiest alien I’ve ever seen,” Tyler murmured, taking another bite of his food as he watched Josh’s cheeks turn pink. 

 

“So you think I’m pretty?” Josh asked, a cheeky smirk playing on his lips.

 

“Shhh, just eat your pancakes and stop trying to get me to talk about feelings and shit,” Tyler hushed, pressing his index finger against Josh’s lips as he finished his last pancake. 

 

Josh smiled to himself as he took a bite.  “Why are you so against talking about feelings?  Too gay for you?” 

 

Tyler rolled his eyes.  “Feelings are messy and gross, it’s easier to just not deal with them.” 

 

Josh pursed his lips and furrowed his brows.  “That’s not very healthy, Ty.” 

 

“Oh yes, because I’m already the gleaming poster child for a healthy lifestyle,” Tyler deadpanned, “just let me and my toxic coping habits live.” 

 

Josh sighed and shook his head, finishing his pancakes.  Hopping off the counter, he took his and Tyler’s plates and threw them into the trash.  Tyler leaned his head against a cabinet and watched as Josh walked back over to him.  He stood in front of Tyler and gently cupped Tyler’s cheek in his cold hands. 

 

“Just friends, right?” Josh asked, his voice low and quiet, licking his lips.  Tyler nodded wordlessly and Josh nodded back before dipping his head down to have their lips meet.  Tyler was sure his mouth probably tasted disgusting since he hadn’t brushed his teeth yet, but he decided that he didn’t care.  

 

Josh began moving his lips down Tyler’s jaw, tracing kisses until he reached his neck.  Tyler let out a quiet gasp as Josh began sucking on the sensitive skin.  “I s-should probably go,” he muttered, leaning his temple against the back of Josh’s head, letting his eyes flutter shut. 

 

“No, don’t go,” Josh whined, trailing his lips down to Tyler’s collarbone.  “Please, stay, I missed you.” 

 

Tyler sucked in a breath of air and gripped onto Josh’s curls.  “I smell disgusting, Josh.  I need to take a shower, change my clothes, brush my teeth…” Tyler’s words trailed off as Josh moved his lips up to Tyler’s ear, softly nibbling on the lobe. 

 

“I have a shower, clothes, and a spare toothbrush and toothpaste,” Josh murmured, words muffled through his teeth.  

 

Tyler tugged on Josh’s arm and the red haired boy pulled away from Tyler’s jawline.  Tyler ran his teeth over his bottom lip and gave Josh an uncertain look.  “You sure?  I don’t wanna like… overstay my welcome or whatever.” 

 

“Yes, I’m sure - I’ll show you where the shower is, yeah?” Josh replied, wrapping his hands around Tyler’s wrist and gently pulling him off the counter.  Josh lead him out of the kitchen and took him to where the bathroom was.  

 

“Go ahead and use whatever you like, I’ll come back later to give you some clothes, okay?” Josh said as he opened the door to the bathroom. 

 

“Okay, thank you Josh,” Tyler said, giving him a small, grateful smile. 

 

Josh returned the smile. “Of course, what are friends for?” he said, teasingly, though Tyler sensed a bitter undertone to his words.  Tyler swallowed thickly and watched as Josh left the room, shutting the door behind him. 

 

Turning the water on, Tyler peeled his clothes off as he waited for the water to warm up. Once it was hot enough to leave his skin red, he stepped into the shower and let the water soak his hair and body.  Hurriedly, he washed his hair and body before simply standing underneath the water, letting the scalding water burn his back. 

 

As he stood in silence, watching the water dripped down his arm, Tyler slightly jumped when he heard a small knock on the bathroom door.  

 

“I got you some clothes, is it okay if I come in?” Josh asked, his voice slightly muffled through the door. 

 

“Yeah, thanks,” Tyler called back, raising his voice slightly so he could be heard over the running water.  He listened as the door squeaked open and Josh padded into the room.  After a bit of shuffling, Josh exited the bathroom and shut the door behind him.

After a few moments, Tyler turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, grabbing a spare towel off a nearby rack.  Quickly drying himself off, Tyler grabbed the pile of clothes Josh left - which consisted of a skeleton hoodie and black leggings.  Tyler snorted as he examined the hoodie and laughed under his breath as he threw the clothes on. 

 

He walked over to the sink and smiled a little when he saw Josh had already set out a toothbrush and toothpaste for him.  Tyler quickly brushed his teeth and then exited the bathroom.  He walked to the living room where he found Josh - now wearing a shirt - cleaning up the remains of their fort.  Ruby trotted around Josh, occasionally picking up a pillow or blanket and handing it to Josh. 

 

Josh turned his head at the sound of Tyler coming in and a cheeky smile rounded his lips when he stared at Tyler.  “I knew that hoodie would suit you, it fits your whole emo aesthetic you got going on,” Josh commented.

 

Tyler rolled his eyes.  “You say that as a joke, but I want you to know that there’s no way you’re getting this hoodie back,” he replied, protectively wrapping his arms around the hoodie. 

 

Josh shrugged his shoulders and smiled.  “Fine by me, you definitely look a lot better in it,” he said as he set the last of the four chairs back by the table, leaving the living room to its normal state.

 

Tyler padded over to Josh and wrapped his arms around Josh’s waist, resting his head on his shoulder.  “So, what do you wanna do today, Jishwa?” 

 

Josh giggled lightly.  “Jishwa?”

 

“Yes, Jishwa, it’s a nickname - deal with it,” Tyler deadpanned, “now answer the question, Jish.”

 

Josh shrugged his shoulders gently.  “Let’s go up to the rooftop,” he suggested, a slight hesitation to his words.

 

Tyler swallowed thickly.  “Why?” 

 

“Haven’t been up there since Debby’s party - kinda miss it.  I mean, it’s like our spot now I like to think,” Josh answered, fingers fidgeting with the hem of Tyler’s hood.  “We can take some blankets up there and cuddle and look at the sky and talk about our feelings and all that gay shit.” 

 

“How about just cuddles and no feelings?” Tyler asked, offering a pathetic pout to Josh. 

 

Josh snorted.  “Maybe,” he decided, grabbing one of the blankets off the couch and taking a hold of Tyler’s warm hand.  Josh lead Tyler down the hallway and the two climbed up the stairs until they reached the entrance to the rooftop.  

 

Tyler shivered as they walked onto the roof and the cool air brushed his skin.  Josh took the blanket and wrapped it around both of their shoulders.  The two sat down together and Tyler sat close to Josh, practically on his lap.  They stared up at the sky and Tyler tried to ignore Josh’s shaking. 

 

Tyler pressed his face into the cool skin of Josh’s neck and began planting kisses down his jawline.   He wrapped his arms around Josh’s frame, hoping he was enough to warm his shivering figure.  His chest ached with a sense of hollowness as his lips continued to trail down Josh’s neck.

 

“Hey look, that cloud looks like a dick,” Josh stated, pointing up at a the sky. 

 

Tyler wiped his eyes pinched the bridge of his nose.  “Way to kill the moment, asshole,” Tyler snorted, resting his forehead on Josh’s shoulder. 

 

Josh softly raised his eyebrows.  “We were having a moment?” he asked, teasingly.  “Are friends allowed to have moments?” 

 

“Yes friends can have moments, just like friends can cuddle and makeout,” Tyler replied, his fingers trailing over Josh’s hand that laid on his thigh.

 

“Do you kiss all your friends or am I just special?” Josh asked, his tone implying he was teasing, but Tyler noticed his eyes didn’t shine the way they normally do. 

 

“Not all my friends have as pretty lips as you do,” Tyler murmured, his gaze tracing the outline Josh’s lips.  “Besides, I don’t have many friends anyway.” 

 

Josh nodded and Tyler leaned forward, pausing when Josh moved his cheek away from Tyler’s lips.  Tyler stared at Josh with furrowed brows.  “If you don’t want to do this Josh, I understand,” Tyler told him, his voice low. 

 

Josh bit down on his bottom lip and hesitated.  “I just… I don’t wanna be like your fuck buddy, Tyler,” he sighed, “I don’t want to the person you just make out with and touch and… I can’t just give you part of me and I don’t think I want just part of you.”

 

“Josh, you’re not just someone I like to kiss, you’re so much more than that,” Tyler said, his voice strained.  “I care about you - alot - and I think you’re absolutely incredible.”  A small smile painted Tyler’s lips as he watched Josh dip his head down, a blush tinting his cheeks. 

 

“I just... fuck, I’m so terrible at talking about feelings and shit, why do you do this to me?” Tyler asked, groaning as Josh chuckled softly.  “I wanna be close to you, Josh.  I want to hold your hand, I want to wrap my arms around you, I want to kiss you…” 

 

“And that  _ terrifies me. _  I haven’t wanted to be... intimate with someone in  _ so long  _ and I didn’t think I ever would.  So please, believe me, I want to give you all I have, but it’s fucking hard for me.  I can give you what I have, but I understand if it’s not what you want.”  Tyler blew out a shaky as his last words left his lips, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat.

 

Josh curled his lips under his teeth as he stared at Tyler, his warm eyes glistening from the sunlight.  His cold fingers gripped Tyler’s hand tightly and he dipped his head down to Tyler’s lips, gently pressing his against them.  The kiss was chaste and sweet, but it left Tyler breathless. 

 

They rested their foreheads against one another.  “I’ll take whatever you can give me,” Josh whispered, his words only for Tyler.  “I just want you, Tyler.” 

 

Tyler nodded and let himself relax.  “I can’t believe you tricked me into talking about my feelings you bastard,” Tyler breathed out, making Josh laugh.  

 

“It was nice though, wasn’t it?” Josh questioned, smiling softly.  “Like a weight off your chest.”

 

Tyler laughed through his nose and shook his head.  “For fuck’s sake, you’re worst than an inspirational poster from a therapist’s office,” he commented, to which Josh giggled in reply.  “Let’s just talk about something that doesn’t make me want to fucking cry.” 

 

“Alright,” Josh said, a sly grin playing on his lips.  “Would you rather….” 

 

“No - fuck, no, not again.  You always take it too damn far,” Tyler said, recalling the time they played over the phone and Josh asked if he would rather rip his fingernails off or jack off in the middle of a restaurant.

 

Josh cackled loudly as he looked at Tyler’s horrified face.  “Okay, okay, how about twenty questions?” 

 

Tyler rolled his eyes dramatically.  “What kind of cheap teen movie cliche are you?” 

 

Josh snorted.  “Well, do you have any better ideas?” he asked, raising his brows cheekily.

 

Tyler clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth.  “Alright then - hit me with a question, Jishwa.”

 

“What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done?” Josh asked, tangling his fingers into Tyler’s hair.  “Besides the whole ‘eating a hot dog with a fork and knife’ thing.”

 

Tyler narrowed his eyes.  “You really love bringing that up, don’t ya?” he questioned, snorting when Josh nodded happily.  “Um, when Jenna first introduced me to Debby, they had asked me to open up this bottle of champagne because it was Jenna’s birthday and I ended up nailing Debby in the eye with the cork.” 

 

Josh threw his head back as he began laughing loudly.  “Tyler Joseph, you are fucking incredible.”

 

Tyler sighed, but smiled nonetheless.  “How about you?”

 

Josh thought for a moment and Tyler giggled as he watched Josh’s expression contort into a painful cringe as he recalled a memory.  “One time I was on a date with this guy and we were at his apartment in his living room and he was going down on me and his roommate decided that was the moment he should come home.” 

 

Tyler covered his mouth with his hands as his shoulders shook his laughter.  “Holy shit, that’s… how did you not fucking implode after that?” he asked, giggling.  “I mean, what did the roommate even do when he saw what was going on?” 

 

“He just left,” Josh shrugged, making Tyler laugh even harder.

 

They continued like that for hours, going well past twenty questions.  Their conversation flowing as the sun slowly made it’s way down to the hills.  The sky glowed with orange and deep blue, small speckles of stars slowly becoming more illuminated.  Tyler laid his head on Josh’s shoulder and tugged the blanket closer to him as they watched the sun slowly disappeared.

 

Tyler sighed as he nuzzled his face into the crook of Josh’s neck.  “I should probably go,” he said, dread laced with his words.  

 

Josh echoed his sigh and pressed a kiss into Tyler’s temple.  “Can I walk you home?” he asked, smiling when Tyler lightly rolled his eyes, but nodded nonetheless. 

 

The two stood together, the giant blanket still wrapped around their shoulders.  They walked hip-to-hip until the narrow staircase forced them apart and only Josh was left under the blanket.  Making their way down to Tyler’s floor, the two paused in front of Tyler’s apartment.

 

Tyler laid his head on Josh’s chest and Josh wrapped his blanket covered arms around Tyler.  “Today was nice,” Tyler murmured.

 

“Yeah,” Josh agreed, “let’s not wait another month to do it again.” 

 

Tyler laughed lightly and nodded.  “Yeah, definitely,” he replied, lifting his head off of Josh’s chest and removing himself from his embrace.  “I’ll see ya later, yeah?” 

 

“See ya later,” Josh waved, walking back down the hallway as Tyler unlocked the front door and entered the apartment.  

 

Shutting the door behind him, Tyler let out a heavy breath and dragged himself over to the living room.  He threw himself down onto the couch next to where Jenna was sitting.  She gave him an odd look as he released a loud groan. 

 

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked, raising an eyebrow at his direction. 

 

Tyler sighed heavily into a pillow.  “Feelings fucking  _ suck _ .”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again i had so much fun writing this so i really hope you guys liked it as well !! let me know what you think, comments and kudos mean the world to me x


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> obligatory flashback chapter because it wouldn't be one of my fics if it didn't have a flashback chapter

_ Nine Years Ago  _

 

Tyler kept his eyes shut as he felt his hands glide across the black and white keys, his fingertips feeling the weight of each note that played.  He scrunched his face anytime he hit a wrong key, but continued to let his fingers move up and down.  The melody rung out quietly as he played softly, knowing his family wouldn’t appreciate loud playing in the ungodly hours of two in the morning.  He longed to go to bed, but the song in his head argued otherwise. 

 

Deep in his own head, Tyler nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard a tapping noise on his window.  Blinking his thoughts away, Tyler turned his attention towards his window where the noise was coming from.  He stood from his bench and walked over to the window, squeaking in surprise when a sudden hand appeared on the glass.  

 

Obnoxious laughter rang loudly from the other side of the window and Tyler rolled his eyes as he pushed opened the window.  He leaned against the frame and sighed loudly, hoping to get the laughing to shut up. 

 

“Brendon, what are you doing here?  It’s the middle of the night,” Tyler asked, folding his arms over his chest as he watched Brendon try and catch his breath from laughing so hard.  

 

Brendon grinned brightly as he looked at Tyler.  “I couldn’t sleep so I decided to go on a drive, then I saw your light was on so I figured I’d grab ya,” he replied, sitting down on the ledge of the window and playfully kicking his foot against Tyler’s arm. 

 

“What if I was asleep and just left the lights on?  You could’ve woken me up from a perfectly peaceful sleep just to drag me down with your insomniac habits,” Tyler retorted, pressing his barefoot against Brendon’s forehead, earning him a smack. 

 

Brendon scoffed.  “Yeah right, you’ve never been able to sleep with the lights on,” he pointed out, smugly.  “Remember when we were like six and you made me get rid of my night light because you couldn’t sleep with just that light on?” 

 

Tyler giggled and nodded.  “Yeah I remember.  I especially remember you sobbing because you were scared of the dark.” 

 

Brendon narrowed his eyes at the other boy.  “Hey, give me a break, I was fucking six years old, you were the asshole six year old who made me cry,” he said, making Tyler wince as he cursed.  “Some best friend you were.” 

 

Tyler shrugged his shoulders.  “Oh well, it was twelve years ago, you can’t stay mad at me forever,” he said, smiling as Brendon stuck his tongue out at him. 

 

“Whatever, just get your shoes on.  I wanna go down to the lake,” Brendon said, standing up from the ledge and crossing his arms as he waited for Tyler. 

 

Tyler opened his mouth to protest, but then closed it, knowing Brendon was too stubborn to even bother to try and argue.  He threw on some shoes and grabbed a hoodie, shutting off the lights of his room.  He climbed out through the window and closed it, keeping it cracked opened slightly for when they came back. 

 

The two walked over to where Brendon parked his car and Tyler hopped into the passenger seat.  Looking in the backseat, Tyler noticed a pile of bags, but decided not to question it.  Brendon turned on the ignition and began driving down the street, music blaring from the car radio.  

 

Brendon sang along loudly and obnoxiously, but Tyler still thought it was beautiful.  As he watched Brendon smile and dance in his seat, an uncomfortable feeling settled in his chest and he forced himself to shift his attention to the window. 

 

Soon the houses and buildings turned to miles of trees and dirt covered roads.  The green leaves glistened under the light of the moon, which hung like a ceiling fan in the starlit sky.  Tyler felt the engine of the old car die down as Brendon parked in front of the lake. 

 

“We’re here,” Brendon sang, pulling the key out of the ignition and jumping out of the car.  Tyler followed suit after him and stepped out, shutting the door behind him.  

 

They walked over to the shore of the lake and sat down, Tyler laying his head down on Brendon’s lap.  His father would always shot daggers at him anytime he would lay on Brendon, but he figured he could get away with it here.  

 

“Why’d you wanna come here?” Tyler asked, mindlessly playing with the strings of his hoodie as he stared up at Brendon.  The other boy’s face fell for a second as he chewed on the inside of his cheek. 

 

Brendon shrugged.  “I dunno, just wanted to get away from… there for a bit,” he replied, looking far off, his forehead creased as he fell deep into thought.  Tyler wanted to ask more, but knew better than to press Brendon for answers.  If he wanted to tell him, he would. 

 

Tyler watched with disgust as Brendon pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his jacket pocket.  He slid one out and stuck it between his teeth as he grabbed his white lighter, igniting the tip of the cigarette.  He sucked in the nicotine shakily and blew out a puff of smoke, the smell making Tyler gag. 

 

“I don’t even understand why you smoke those, all you’re ever gonna do is give yourself cancer if you keep it up,” Tyler grumbled, glaring at the cigarette, as if doing so would make it disappear from Brendon’s fingers. 

 

Brendon shrugged nonchalantly.  “Maybe that’s the goal,” he laughed, though the words were laced with a deep bitterness that stung Tyler like a bee.  He stared at Brendon, unsure of what to say in return.  Luckily, Brendon quickly shifted the subject.  “Here, I’ll quit smoking if you jump into the lake right now.” 

 

Tyler thought for a moment and shrugged his shoulders, hopping onto his feet.  Brendon stared with wide eyes as Tyler began peeling off his sweatshirt and basketball shorts, leaving him in just his boxers.

 

“Tyler - what the hell are you doing?” Brendon asked, his mouth gaped open.

 

Tyler smirked as he kicked off his shoes. “I'm saving you from lung cancer, what does it look like I'm doing?”  Kicking his clothes off to the side, he went down to the lake and dived into the water. 

 

His bones and muscles stiffened as the cold water surrounded him, covering his skin.  He quickly lifted his head up to the surface and sucked in a cool breath.  He rushed out of the water and back onto the shore to where Brendon was laughing through a concern gaze. 

 

“Ty, I didn’t think you would actually do it,” Brendon said, quickly handing Tyler’s clothes back to him.  Tyler shivered violently as he threw the hoodie over his head and pulled his shorts back on.  

 

“W-well, I did.  Now you h-have to quit smoking,” Tyler chattered, wrapping his arms around himself as his spine quaked from the cold.  Brendon smiled fondly at Tyler and pulled him into his warm embrace.  Tyler buried his head into his shoulder and pushed himself as deep as possible into Brendon’s touch. 

 

“I’ve got some blankets in the car, let’s go get you one, yeah?” Brendon said, running his fingers through Tyler’s hair, shaking some water out.  Tyler nodded and stuck by Brendon’s side as they walked over to the car.  Brendon popped open the trunk and pulled out a fleece blanket, throwing it around Tyler’s shoulders and tucking it tight on his arms. 

 

The two made their way over to the front of the car and Brendon hopped up onto the hood.  Tyler followed after and curled himself into Brendon’s side, which radiated heat.  Brendon threw an arm around Tyler’s shaking shoulders and pulled him closed, rubbing soothing circles into his back. 

 

“So, a-are you gonna quit?” Tyler asked, words muffled by clattering teeth.

 

Brendon smiled gently and smoothed Tyler’s wet hair away from his forehead.  “Of course, Ty, anything for you,” he said, leaning forward and pressing a kiss onto Tyler’s temple.  Tyler gasped quietly and stared up at Brendon with confusion swimming in his eyes.  Brendon stared back, hesitant and fond. 

 

Brendon’s hand moved down Tyler’s forehead to his cheek, cupping it gently and sweet.  Brendon gingerly brought Tyler’s face towards his, dipping his head down to his lips.  He pressed them together into a kiss, making Tyler squeak in surprise.  

 

For a moment, Tyler was able to melt away into Brendon’s touch.  He moved his lips eagerly with Brendon’s, who smiled beneath the kiss.  It only lasted a few seconds before Tyler’s moment of ignorance faded away and he was filled with bitter conviction.  He pulled away from the kiss and pushed himself away from Brendon, ignoring the hurt look on his face. 

 

“No, no, no, no - we can’t, we can’t - it’s  _ wrong _ ,” Tyler began muttering, tugging on his hair and rocking back and forth, his parent’s words and warnings ringing in his head.  “It’s wrong, it’s wrong, it’s wrong, it’s wrong.” 

 

Brendon sucked in a deep breath as he shook his head.  “No, you don’t believe that Tyler - I know you don’t believe that.  Trust me, Ty, you don’t have to believe everything your parents say - cause believe me, they’re wrong,” Brendon argued, his voice strained.  “It’s okay if you don’t feel the same, but you can’t tell me that feeling that way is wrong, because I know I’ve never felt more right.” 

 

Tyler choked on the breath that refused to come.  “I can’t I can’t - they’ll kill me if they find out.  I can’t feel the same, Brendon, I can’t,” Tyler continued to ramble, a small sob breaking his voice. 

 

Brendon hushed him as he leaned forward, tracing his hand down Tyler’s face soothingly.  “They don’t have to find out, Ty, we don’t have to tell them,” Brendon assured, “it’s probably best that they don’t know - trust me, it just won’t end well, I know.”

 

Tyler shot him an odd look and Brendon sighed heavily.  “I told my parents tonight,” he confessed, “I told them and they told me they wanted me out by morning - that’s why I was out tonight, why I needed to get away.” 

 

“Bren…” Tyler breathed out, moving himself closer to Brendon. 

 

Brendon waved it off and offered a weak smile.  “It’s okay, we’re heading off to college in a couple months anyway.  I can make it till then - we can make it till then,” he said, biting down on his bottom lip.  “I just - I need to know if you feel the same and I mean how you really feel, not just what’s been preaching to you since you were five years old.” 

 

Tyler sighed and ran shaking fingers through his hair, giving hesitant glances to Brendon.  Finally, he let his shoulders relax and he let his head fall down onto Brendon’s shoulder.  “Of course I feel the same, Bren,” he admitted, voice cracking.  “I’ve loved you since we were eight years old - it’s always been you,  _ always _ .” 

 

Brendon let out a relieved laugh and tugged Tyler close.  “No need to get all mushy on me, Tyler, this isn’t some rom-com,” he teased, earning him an eyeroll from Tyler.  “But I love you too -  _ fuck,  _ I love you so much, Ty.”

 

They pressed their foreheads together and Tyler felt the knots in his stomach turn into feathers that made his insides tickle.  Giggles began escaping his lips and he threw his arms around Brendon’s neck, swaying them back and forth. 

 

“I love you, I love you, I love you,  _ I love you _ ,” Tyler whispered into Brendon’s ears, more giggles spilling out between his words.  “I love you, Bren.”

 

Brendon smiled and placed a chaste kiss onto Tyler’s lips.  “I love you too, Ty.” 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you guys liked the little bit of insight to tyler's past ! if it came off as confusing or whatever please let me know any questions you have so i can address it later, but i hope you enjoyed it ! (i also apologize for the lack of josh in this chapter)  
> also i'm super sorry for the infrequent updates and i'm sorry to say it's just gonna get worse from now on cause i just got a job and my schedule isn't super stable each week so i'm never gonna be sure when i'll be able to update, but i promise i will try my best to do so as frequently as possible !   
> anyways please be sure to let me know what you think ! every comment and kudo means so much to me and encourages me to keep writing xx


	11. Chapter 11

If you were to ask seventeen year old Tyler where he saw himself in ten years, he definitely would not have said he’d be in a Wal-Mart at eleven o’clock at night, being forced to choose between two hair dyes called ‘sunshine’ and ‘electric banana’ - yet somehow, that’s exactly where he was.

“Which one do you like better?” Josh asked, holding up the two boxes of dye to his head, his eyes wide as he waited for Tyler’s answer.

Tyler squinted his eyes as he stared at the two boxes, comparing the colors next to Josh’s light skin. “Um, go with the sunshine one, I think that one suits you better,” Tyler replied, stifling a yawn that threatened to spill. “Also, you wouldn’t want your hair to resemble a banana, then I won’t be attracted to you.”

Josh rolled his eyes nodded, placing the other box of dye back onto the shelf. He made his way over to Tyler and smiled widely. Tyler returned the smile lightly and the two began walking down the aisle. As they made their way towards the registers, Josh paused in the middle of the walkway and quickly gripped onto Tyler’s shoulders.

Tyler stared at Josh through a concern gaze as he blinked rapidly, keeping his eyes directed to the ground as he held onto Tyler’s shoulder a little tighter.

“You alright Josh?” Tyler asked, carefully, placing a gentle hand on Josh’s waist as the other boy nodded slowly. After a few moments, Josh loosened his grip and blinked a few more times before looking up at Tyler.

Josh offered Tyler a small smile when he noticed the worried look upon his face. “I’m fine, Ty, just got a little dizzy s’all,” he assured, rubbing his eyes with the back of his knuckles.

Tyler pursed his lips as he gazed up and down at Josh. “Maybe leaving Ruby at home wasn’t the smartest idea, Josh,” he pointed out, taking a hold of Josh’s hand and keeping a tight hold on him as they continued to walk down to the check-out.

Tyler kept a steady hold on Josh as he paid for the hair dye, hands hovering around Josh’s torso, waiting for the worst to happen. Josh sighed quietly and tried to avoid Tyler’s gentle touch as they left the store.

“I’m fine Tyler, really, I was just lightheaded. No need to worry, okay?” Josh assured, giving Tyler’s hand a quick squeeze as they turned the corner and made their way to their street. Highlights zoomed down the asphalt next to them, the lights illuminating Josh’s tired eyes.

Tyler bit down on the inside of his cheek. “Are you sure?” he continued to press, concern clawing his chest like a rabid dog.

Josh rolled his eyes, but flashed Tyler a warm smile. “Yes Ty, I’m sure. Now c’mon, let’s go make me look like a highlighter,” he grinned, pulling Tyler down the pavement and skipping fast on the cement.

As they walked into the apartment building, Tyler tried his best to shake off the gnawing in his stomach every time he took a glance at Josh. He wished he could believe his words, but Tyler couldn’t help but worry about him. Even though Josh always tried to brush it off and make Tyler forget about it, Tyler noticed every time.

He noticed every tremor in his hand and every limp in his walk. He noticed when he’d have to grip a little tighter to Ruby or have to stare down at the ground. He noticed when he’d zip up his hoodie even when the sun shined proudly. But every time he noticed, he shook it off and tried to reassured himself. If something was wrong, Josh would tell him.

Right?

“You’re not tired are you?” Josh asked, gripping the railing tightly as they traveled up the staircase, his knuckles turning white.

Tyler scoffed. “Josh, it’s barely midnight - you know this is considered early for me,” he replied, making Josh snort. They made it up the stairs and landed on Josh’s floor.

“You wanna help me dye my hair?” Josh asked, pulling his keys out of his pocket as they landed in front of his door. He shoved the key into the lock and twisted it until it clicked. Ruby ran up to the door at the sound of it opening, greeting both Josh and Tyler enthusiastically.

“Uh sure, I’ve never done it before though, so it may not turn out good,” Tyler answered, giving Ruby a quick rub on the head before following Josh into the bathroom. Ruby shadowed behind them, standing at the doorway as the two entered the room.

“It’s pretty easy, it just takes a long time,” Josh replied, kneeling down to the cabinet under the sink and grabbing a container of hair bleach. He also grabbed a bowl, a brush, and conditioner. “I’ll mix everything, you just need to slap it on my head.”

Tyler nodded as he watched Josh began pouring the bleach and conditioner in the bowl, using the brush to stir it together. “You should let me dye your hair,” Josh stated, giggles bubbling from his throat as he looked up at Tyler and saw the scrunched up expression painted on his face. “Oh c’mon, I think you could pull of like...a bright neon green.”

Tyler shook his head vigorously. “I think I’m good, I’m fine with my natural hair color,” he answered, running his hands through his hair, feeling the long strands that were curling at the ends. “I honestly just need to cut it, it’s too long. I gotta just shave it or whatever.”

  
“I can cut it for you later if you want,” Josh suggested, keeping his gaze towards the bowl as he scraped the brush against the sides of it.

Tyler shrugged his shoulders. “Sure, if you want.”

Josh nodded and handed the bowl over to Tyler. “Okay cool, so it’s like super easy. All you gotta do is coat the brush with the bleach and then like paint my hair pretty much until all of it is covered with the bleach,” he explained, his hands flailing about as he demonstrated it with the air.

Hesitantly, Tyler nodded in understanding and Josh gave him an assuring smile. Josh sat down on the tiled floor, towels strewn beneath and around him. Tyler kneeled behind him, dipping the brush into the bleach and painting it over Josh’s faded hair. Tyler stared with childlike awe as he watched Josh’s dark hair get lighter in front of his eyes.

“Don’t you have work in the morning?” Josh asked, moving his head a little so he could look at Tyler. He curled his lips underneath his teeth and knitted his brows together.

“I do, but I’m not gonna go,” Tyler replied, “I think I’m finally just gonna quit - I don’t want to keep boring my life away at a job I hate.”

Josh smiled softly, eyes glowing like a match. “That’s great, Ty, I’m really happy for you,” Josh said, “what do you think you’re gonna do instead?”

Tyler shrugged. “I dunno, hopefully I’ll find something,” he said, “maybe I’ll wind up unemployed and homeless and I’ll just live under an overpass or something like.”

Tyler practically heard Josh roll his eyes. “No need to be dramatic, I’m sure you’ll be just fine,” Josh commented. Tyler giggled as he slapped the last bit of bleach onto Josh’s head , spreading it evenly over his unruly mess of hair.

“Okay, I finished off the bleach, now what?” Tyler asked, standing up off his knees and setting the bowl down on the counter.

“Now we wait,” Josh answered, standing up as well. “I can cut your hair while we wait, if you want.” Tyler nodded in reply and Josh opened a nearby drawer, taking out an electric razor.

Tyler sucked in a breath as Josh planted a cool hand on his shoulder, keeping him steady as he ran the razor over his head. Tyler’s gaze travelled around Josh’s face, staring at his lips as he bit down on them, small drops of blood dripping from his chapped lips. His eyes were squinted in concentration as he brushed hair off of Tyler’s shirt, razoring moving around Tyler’s scalp.

Josh turned off the razor and set it down on the counter, sweeping off any hair that had landed on Tyler’s shoulders. “There, all done,” he announced, fingers grazing over Tyler’s arms.

Tyler nodded and directed his gaze back down to Josh’s faded lips. He leaned forward and hastily pressed his lips against his, sucking the drop of blood off. He quickly released and stared at Josh’s eyes.

“How do you like it?” Tyler asked, running his finger up and down his head, enjoying the way the short hair felt beneath his hands.

Josh tilted his head and traced his fingers over Tyler’s temples. “It’s nice, suits you,” he replied, “you kinda look a bit like an egg, but I think you make it work.”

“Thanks I guess.” Tyler giggled as he looked in the mirror in front of him, inspecting Josh’s handiwork. They began sweeping the rest of Tyler’s hair off the floor, and after a few minutes, Josh decided it was time to rinse the bleach out of his hair.

“Do friends shower together?” Josh asked as he peeled off his t-shirt, a small cheeky grin playing on his lips.

Tyler swallowed thickly. “Uh, no, I don’t think so,” Tyler murmured, stammering over his words as he avoided Josh’s glance. Josh chuckled as he kicked off his pants, leaving him in his boxers.

Josh shrugged nonchalantly. “Eh, can’t blame me for trying.”

Tyler gave an awkward nod before quickly shuffling out of the bathroom, his heart and mind at war against one another. His chest contorted uncomfortably inside himself and he tried to brush off the feeling. Hearing the sound of the water running, a sense of longing settled deep within the discomfort.

Perhaps friends just wasn’t going to be enough anymore.

After a few minutes, the water shut off and Josh called Tyler back into the bathroom. Wearing nothing but boxers, Josh dried his hair as Tyler mixed together the yellow dye, following the instructions on the back of the box.

“It’s so pretty, it looks like icing,” Tyler commented, admiring the softness of the yellow dye, swirling it with the brush and watching it drip down like sunshine.

“I wouldn’t eat it, if I were you. It may look good, but I’m sure it doesn’t taste all that great,” Josh teased, running his fingers through his freshly bleached hair.

“I actually ate yellow paint when I was like nine,” Tyler told him, continuing to play with the already mixed dye. “That definitely wasn’t a fun trip to the emergency room.”

Josh snorted as he sat down on the floor. “And why did you think it was a good idea to eat pant?”

Tyler shrugged as he kneeled down behind Josh, brush and bowl in his hands. “I wanted to find out what sunshine tasted like,” he answered, scooping up dye with the brush and beginning to paint it down Josh’s mohawk. “Turns out it doesn’t taste very good.”

After a while, Josh’s head was covered with yellow. Some spots had landed on his shoulders and some had coated Tyler’s fingers. The two waited together for the dye to settle in, Josh teaching Tyler weird hand games he knew as they sat on the floor.

“If you could do anything, knowing there was no way you could fail, what would you do?” Josh asked, his gaze focused on Tyler’s hands as they glided across his before clapping them together.

Tyler licked his lips, focusing on the coolness of Josh’s palms. “Music probably,” he replied, his voice low, as if he was sharing a secret. “I really wanted to when I was in high school - I had a, uh, friend who was amazing at it. He could play every instrument under the sun and could sing too, he taught me to sing, play piano, bass - he tried to teach me guitar too, but it hurt my hand too much so I took up ukulele instead.”

“I even wrote some songs back then too, he helped me with them and even had me record them,” Tyler continued, his words trailing off as he lost his train of thought. “So yeah, I’d uh probably do music.”

Josh hummed, pulling his fingers through the spaces between Tyler’s hands. “I didn’t know you knew how to play anything.”

“I haven’t really played since like college, I’m probably really rusty,” Tyler replied, his hands missing Josh’s, making him lose the game.

“Then I guess you'll just have to start playing again,” Josh smiled, making Tyler’s insides do gymnastics.

When a couple more minutes passed, Tyler left the bathroom as Josh jumped back into the shower. He rinsed out the dye quickly and it wasn't long before he was back out.

Tyler waited in the living room for Josh to finish, Ruby lying happily across his lap as he ran his fingers through her fur. After a few minutes, the bathroom door opened and Josh emerged with hair brighter than the sun.

“Do you like it?” Josh asked, grinning from ear-to-ear as he walked over to Tyler, sitting down next to him.

“I love it, it looks amazing, Jish,” Tyler complimented, running his fingers through his freshly dyed hair.

Josh slid closer to Tyler as his fingers traveled down to Josh’s neck. He pulled him to his lips and pressed them together into a kiss. Josh moved eagerly with Tyler’s lips, his hands cupping Tyler’s cheeks.

Josh began traveling down Tyler’s jaw, sucking sweetly on the sensitive skin. Tyler choked on a gasp and gripped Josh’s hair.

“I-I can't do this anymore,” Tyler whispered, his voice quiet and broken. He rested his head on Josh’s shoulder when he pulled away from Tyler’s neck.

“What do you mean?” Josh asked, worry lacing his voice. “I...I thought this is what you wanted.”

“Of course this is what I want...just...just not like this,” Tyler said, his words trying to catch up with his running thoughts. “I was wrong, I don't want to be just friends, Josh, I want more - so much more.”

Tyler felt Josh’s shoulders relax beneath him and he wrapped his arms around Tyler’s small frame, holding him tight. “Anything Ty, whatever you want. I just want you.”

Tyler cupped his hand on Josh’s cheek and pushed his hair away from his face, thumb rubbing over his jaw. “I want to take you out tomorrow, on a date - not a friend date, a date - okay?”

Josh gave Tyler a smile so bright, he put the sun and stars to shame. “Okay.”

Tyler relaxed and smiled as well. “Okay.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys enjoyed this ! Be sure to let me know what you think ! Feedback always makes my day x


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a bit of a fluffy filler chapter for you guys, but i assure you the angst will return in time aha

 

“So is the ‘I told you so’ already implied, or must I say it out loud?” Jenna asked, peering up from her laptop screen to shoot Tyler a sly smirk, her eyes shining with victory. 

 

Tyler refrained himself from rolling his eyes as he moved his gaze from his closet to his smug roommate.  “It’s been heavily implied ever since I told you about the date last night,” he replied, his hands skimming through the contents of closets before landing on a shirt and pulling it out.  “How’s this?” 

 

Jenna looked at the shirt he held in front of his torso and shook her head, returning her gaze to her computer screen.  “Nah, too formal.  I mean, you’re just taking him to get pizza.  Just wear what you normally wear, I doubt he’ll care.” 

 

Tyler huffed a breath and threw his head back in frustration.  “I can’t just wear a hoodie and basketball shorts, Jenna, it’s a  _ date _ .” 

 

Tyler groaned and scrubbed his face viciously.  “I need a cigarette,” he muttered, walking over to his dresser where his pack laid. 

 

“No you don’t Tyler, you don’t wanna smell like smoke just before your date,” Jenna retorted, throwing a pillow at Tyler, making him stop in his tracks.

 

Jenna sighed with a small smile painted on her lips.  She closed her laptop and tucked her legs underneath one another.  “Tyler, you just need to calm down.  Yes, it’s a date, but it’s just Josh - who hasn’t given a shit about what you wore for the last two months.  Just get over yourself and put on some fucking clothes.” 

 

Tyler bit down on his bottom lip and nodded.  “Yeah okay - you’re right, I just… I’ve never had to do this before,” he began, his mouth running faster than his thoughts could keep up with.  “With Brendon….it was so different, I never had to worry with him it felt like.  When we went out on dates, all I ever worried about was getting caught.”  He finished off his words with a bittersweet laugh, his chest tightening slightly.

 

Jenna smiled sadly.  “Well, I don’t think you need to worry with Josh either, okay?  He already likes you, so I don’t think you need to worry about that.  Just do what you’ve been doing and you’ll be fine.”

 

Tyler nodded once more and finally settled on a decent looking t-shirt and tossed it on with some skinny jeans.  Jenna fidgeted with the hems of his shirt as he tied on some sneakers, smoothing out any wrinkles in his shirt.  

 

“Perfect, you look great,” she said, handing him his wallet and keys.  “Now go have fun and don’t overthink everything.” 

 

“You really don’t know me at all do you?” Tyler questioned, cracking a small smile as he made his way out of his room and to the front door.  Jenna waved him goodbye as he left the apartment.  He walked down the hallway and made his way over to the staircase. He travelled up to Josh’s floor and stood in front of his door, stomach churning uncomfortably. 

 

He knew he was being ridiculous when he lifted his shaking hand up to the door, his knuckles barely grazing the painted wood.  Everything he learned over the years told him to turn back now and forget it all.  He didn't want to screw something up again. 

 

Jenna’s words echoing in his head, he forced his hand to meet with the door and the knock barely made a sound.  After a couple seconds, the door swung open and the warmest of smiles and the brightest hair greeted Tyler, seeming to make the waves in his chest go still.

 

“Hey,” Josh said, a little breathlessly.  He stepped outside his apartment and closed the door behind him, walking over to Tyler.  

 

“Hi,” Tyler replied, smiling softly.  He glanced around Josh and pulled his eyebrows together.  “You’re not taking Ruby with you?”   
  


Josh gave him a wave of the hand and shook his head.  “Nah, it’s fine, I should be alright,” Josh tried to assure, but only causing a new wave of concern to wash over Tyler.  Josh sighed quietly and took Tyler’s hand into his own, giving it a gentle squeeze.  “Please don’t worry about me, I’m totally fine.”    
  


Tyler chewed on the inside of his cheek, but nodded despite his worries.  With one last affirming smile from Josh, the two began walking away from Josh’s apartment and towards the staircase, fingers still interlocked. 

 

“So where are you taking me for our date?” Josh asked, excitement evident in his voice but laced with a cool calmness.  He held onto both the railing and Tyler’s hand with a desperate grip, his knuckles turning a stark white.  Tyler told himself it was best not to bring it up. 

 

“Just this pizza place downtown, Jenna told me about it, she said it was good,” Tyler replied, desperate to fill any chance of silence with meaningless small talk.  He just needed to talk so he could breathe. 

 

When they made it to the main lobby of the apartment complex, Josh looked over at Tyler with a soft gaze as Tyler chewed on his nails.  A small smile quirked the corner of his lips.  “Ty, are you nervous?” he asked, voice gentle. 

 

Tyler scoffed dramatically.  “What?  Me?  The person with relationship issues?  Nervous about a date?   _ Never _ ,” he replied, hoping the sarcasm would cover the shaking of his voice. 

 

Exiting the building, Josh paused on the sidewalk and pulled Tyler over so they could face one another.  He placed his frigid hand on Tyler’s cheek and planted a ginger kiss on his chapped lips.  When he pulled away, a soft smile crinkled the corners of his eyes and Tyler felt his chest flutter.  

 

“Ty, you have no reason to be nervous around me,” Josh stated, a giggle painting his words.  “I know we got off to a… weird start, but this doesn’t need to be any different than what we did before.”

 

“Okay, yeah - you’re right, I know, I just overthink everything,” Tyler said, quickly forcing his mouth to close before he started rambling and said something he’d regret. 

 

“Of course I’m right, I’m always right,” Josh said, a cheeky grin painted on his face.  “Now come on and give me the night I’ve been dreaming of for the last two months.”  Tyler’s stomach clenched at Josh’s words, but pushed the feeling away and took Josh’s hand back into his, leading him down the pavement. 

 

Walking down the street, the made it to the quaint little pizza shop with a sign on the front that read “Oggi’s” in bright red letters.  The two made their way to the front of it and Tyler held the door open for Josh as he walked in, to which Josh gushed dramatically.

 

“What a gentleman,” Josh teased, smiling with his tongue poking between his teeth.  Tyler rolled his eyes in reply, but smiled nonetheless. 

 

Tyler wrapped his arms around Josh’s waist as they stood a couple feet away from the front counter, swaying back and forth as they read over the menu.  Tyler rested his chin on top of Josh’s shoulder.  “What’d want Jish?” he asked, ignoring the pained impatient look of the worker behind the counter.

 

Josh shrugged his shoulders.  “I’ll just get whatever you get.” 

 

“M’kay, I’ll go ahead and order then and you can go grab a seat, yeah?” Tyler said, to which Josh nodded and left Tyler’s embrace.  

 

Tyler walked up to the counter and quickly order a pizza for him and Josh to share and some water, grateful for the cheap price.  Being unemployed and paying for dates certainly didn’t mix super well.  Once it was paid for, he left the counter and easily spotted Josh’s bright hair sitting at a table near the window. 

 

Josh was staring out the window when Tyler made his way over, his eyebrows drawn together as he seemed lost in thought.  His eyes appeared glossy, a little bit of light returning when his attention was captured by the sound of Tyler pulling the chair out. 

 

He gave Tyler an odd look as he sat down, licking his lips.  “Hey, isn’t your birthday coming up soon?” Josh asked, randomly, resting his chin on his knuckles as he looked at Tyler. 

 

“Uh yeah, in a little over a week I guess,” Tyler answered,setting a glass of water down in front of Josh.  “Why do you ask?” 

 

Josh shrugged his shoulders, trying to appear nonchalant.  “I was just gonna ask if you were doing anything with like your family or something.” 

 

Tyler shifted uncomfortably in his seat and began picking at his nails. “Oh uh no, I don't really talk to my family so yeah, definitely no plans there.” 

 

Josh curled his lips and raised his brows. “Oh really, how come?” he asked, before quickly adding, “if you don't mind me asking.” 

 

Tyler took a slow breath and licked his lips. “Well, to make a way too long story short - basically, my parents haven't been too happy with my “choice” of liking guys, so we haven't talked in a long time.” 

 

Josh clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth and shook his head, a look of disgust evident on his face.  “That's absolutely ridiculous, I'm so sorry that they don't support you like they should.”

 

Tyler shrugged. “Eh, it doesn't bother me much anymore.” 

 

“So does that mean you're gonna be alone for your birthday?” Josh asked, absentmindedly playing with the straw in his drink. 

 

“Well, no, not really. I typically just hang out with Jenna, sometimes Debby,” Tyler answered, his tone growing shy.  “It's not a big deal or anything, my birthday is just another day to me.” 

 

Josh scoffed and shook his head. “But it's not another day, it's your birthday!” Josh exclaimed, his insistence making Tyler giggle. “How about you come over to mine for your birthday? I'll bake you a cake - or pot brownies if you want more of those.” 

 

Tyler snorted. “I think I'll just take cake, thank you,” he giggled, enjoying the smile that brightened Josh’s face. 

 

They continued to make non-committal small talk until the pizza finally came out. The two remained mostly silent as they ate, mouths too full of the greasy pizza. 

 

“So, when was the last time you went on a date?” Josh asked, wiping pizza sauce off his lips.  “Ya know, not including our ‘friend dates’.”

 

Tyler swallowed his bite of pizza and cleared his throat. “Um, the last one I went on was probably sometime in the summer before I headed off to college.” 

 

Josh’s eyes widened in surprise. “Wow, that long ago? Who was the lucky guy?” he asked, a curious smile tracing his lips. 

 

“His name was Brendon, he was my first boyfriend. I had known him since I was like five,” Tyler answered, chest burning.  “It didn’t end well though, so I don’t really like talking about it.” 

 

Josh shrugged his shoulders as he took a sip of water.  “That’s fine, you don’t have to tell me anything you’re not comfortable with,” he assured, taking another bite of pizza as he shot a sweet smile towards Tyler.

 

“So, what’s your opinion on pineapple on pizza?” Josh asked, quickly shifting the subject, to which Tyler was extremely grateful for.  He gave a quizzical look as he shifted his gaze between Tyler and the slice of pizza in his hand. 

 

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, it tastes pretty good in my opinion,” Tyler answered, shoving his last slice of pizza into his mouth.  He leaned back into his seat and sipped his water, suppressing giggles as Josh dropped his jaw dramatically.

 

“You  _ like it _ ?  How can you possibly like pineapple on pizza - it’s unnatural,” Josh gaped, shaking his head in disapproval.  “Ya know Tyler, I really don’t think this thing between us can go on any longer - you’re just not the man I thought you’d be.” 

 

Tyler curled his lips under his teeth as he tried to hide his smile.  “Well, I guess I’m sorry it had to end this way.  It was really nice while lasted,” Tyler tried, though eventually giving in when Josh began laughing too. 

 

Sitting at the table filled with empty glasses and plates, they both shared a glance at one another as their feet began to playfully kick against one another.  “So,” Josh began, wrapping his foot around Tyler’s ankle.  “Where to next?” 

 

Tyler pressed his lips together and hummed as he thought for a moment.  “What’s your opinion on ice cream?” he asked, a smile peeking around his cheeks.  

 

“My opinion on ice cream is yes - just, yes,” Josh replied, earning him a giggle from Tyler.  The two stood up from the table and made their out of the pizza shop, hands intertwined once more.  

 

They walked down the pavement towards a nearby ice cream shop.  Quickly, they ordered vanilla two ice cream cones and then walked back outside into the cool November air.  Feeling Josh shiver slightly underneath his fingers, Tyler wondered if ice cream was really the best idea. 

 

Arms swinging as they walked through the streets, Josh smiled at Tyler over his ice cream cone.  Tyler peered at him curiously as he remained quiet and just continued to smile softly at Tyler. 

 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Tyler asked, chuckling nervously.  

 

“You just look pretty s’all,” Josh replied, simply.  “You always look pretty when you’re happy.”  A blush crept up onto Tyler’s cheeks and he ducked his head away from Josh’s soft gaze, pointing his attention to the melting ice cream in his hand. 

 

Josh just continued to smile at Tyler.  “Would you say you’re happy, Ty?” 

 

Tyler thought for a moment as he stared down at the sidewalk.  Arranging his thoughts, he looked back up at Josh and offered a genuine smile.  “Yeah, I think I’m happy.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what's your guys' opinions on pineapple on pizza? i'd love to know in the comments ! (i personally don't think it's that bad, but it ain't my favorite)  
> I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter ! Sorry it took a bit longer than the last to post, but I hope it was worth the wait ! x


	13. Chapter 13

The last time it snowed on Tyler’s birthday, Jenna had found him passed out drunk on a frozen pile of his own vomit. She had to drag his half-conscious ass back to his dorm room and he spent the better part of his day with his head in a toilet. Call him hopeful, but he was really wishing that wouldn’t be the case this time around.

Snowflakes striked in a glistening pattern on the pane of the window, their individual designs shining with the help of the early sunlight that hung in the sky. Lilac purples and baby blues painted the sky alongside the pale ivory of the clouds that moved slowly across the canvas. It was a beautiful view and Tyler longed to love it, but the ache that he had pushed away for weeks had decided to make an appearance that morning.

For the past few weeks, Tyler had been able to drown the ache out of his lungs and push it aside. He’d numb it with a cigarette or even pour it out with a pen onto a piece of paper. It seemed to help, and that hopeful part of him was able to convince that he might be getting better. But as he laid in his bed, weighed down by his own bones, Tyler remembered that hopeful part of him was only good at disappointing him.

Tyler rolled from side to side under the covers, curled into a tight ball as the uncomfortable refused to go away. He squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his fist, frustration creating a tight ball of chaos in his chest. His skin didn’t feel right on his bones and his head seemed to be home to cloud of unwanted thoughts. Tears without reason prickled the curtains of his eyes, only causing more frustration. He let out an audible groan and buried his face into his pillow.

He listened as phone continued to go off, most likely birthday texts from friends he hadn’t even spoken to in three years. He rolled over and snatched his phone off the table, squinting his eyes as his sight adjusted to the bright screen.

Scrolling through the messages, he saw a majority of them were from Jenna and Josh, telling him to get his ass out of bed. A few from Debby, Patrick, and Pete and the rest from college friends that he hadn’t seen since graduation. Tyler tried to ignore the familiar disappointment when he saw nothing from his siblings or parents.

Nearly dropping his phone, Tyler jumped slightly when a loud bang came from the other side of his door, startling him. The door swung open and Jenna marched into the room, throwing herself on top of Tyler. He let out a groan from the sudden weight on top of him and she giggled loudly.

“Happy birthday!” Jenna exclaimed, bouncing up and down on the bed. “Get your ass out of bed and get dressed. You have a full day ahead of ya.”

Tyler furrowed his eyebrows as he looked up Jenna. “What do you mean? I thought we were just gonna go hang out with Josh,” he said, pushing Jenna off of him so that he could sit up.

Jenna shook her head and folded her legs under her knees. “Nope, I’m gonna take you out to breakfast, then Josh gets you for the rest of the day to do...whatever you to do,” she explained, adding a cheeky smirk to the end of her words, earning her a light kick from Tyler.

She hopped off the bed and began pulling Tyler out from the covers. “Now come on, get dressed, brush your teeth, and act like an actual person would on their birthday,” she told him. Once he was up on his feet, she flashed him a smile and left the room.

Scrubbing his face with the palm of his hands, Tyler walked over to his closet and threw on an old black hoodie that said ‘OHIO’ on it. He put on some jeans and sneakers, and tucked his hair beneath a black cap, too lazy to bother and wash it. He pocketed his phone into his jeans and walked over to the bathroom. He threw on some deodorant and quickly brushed his teeth. Once he looked presentable, he made his way over to the living room where Jenna was waiting.

She spun her keys on her fingers as she leaned against the front door, offering a soft smile to Tyler when she saw him. “Ready?” she asked, shouldering her bag and unlocking the door. Tyler nodded and the two made their way out of the apartment.

“Are you excited?” Jenna asked as they trailed down the staircase, giving a quick glance at Tyler as she waited for his reply.

Tyler shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Hey, you okay?,” Jenna asked as they reached the main floor of the building. “You seem off.”

“I dunno, just feel off,” Tyler murmured, stepping through the front doors of the building. “Don't worry about me, I'm sure I'll be fine - just need a distraction or whatever.” Jenna looked unconvinced, but kept quiet as they continued out from the building.

Brisk December air curled around the exposed skin on his cheeks, making them turn a light pink. Snow fell from the gray lined clouds in the sky, small flakes dotting the ends of Tyler’s eyelashes and leaving his face slightly wet when he blinked.

They treaded down the snow covered pavement, sunshine that peaked through the clouds, making it look like glitter in the streets. Turning a corner, they made their way over to a small diner and walked in. They found a booth in the corner of the restaurant and sat down.

“Oh! I almost forgot!” Jenna said, suddenly. She reached into her purse and pulled out a small bag. “Here's your present.”

“Oh you know you didn't get me anything,” Tyler said as she handed him the small bag. Guilt pooled in the pit of his stomach as he stared at the little blue bag.

“Don't be ridiculous, Tyler, it's your birthday - of course I was gonna get you a present,” Jenna retorted, playfully rolling her eyes and flashing a soft smile “Now c’mon! Open it!”

“Alright, alright,” Tyler replied, taking the tissue paper from the inside of the bag and setting it to the side. He reached inside and pulled out what the bag contained.

In his hand he held a red beanie, a leather bound notebook, and a fancy as fuck looking pen.

“I got you the beanie cause your black one had a bunch of holes in it - kinda looked like you ready to rob a bank,” Jenna said, making herself laugh. “And then I got you the notebook and pen cause I noticed you started writing again. Figured this would be better than the scraps of paper you keep leaving everywhere.”

“Wow, thank you - really, this means a lot to me,” Tyler said, reaching across the table and giving her hand a grateful squeeze as he flipped through the notebook

Jenna smiled widely. “I'm glad you like it.”

Soon a waitress came by and took the two’s orders. They decided to share a giant stack of pancakes and a pot of coffee. The food came quickly and they ate in between words of easy conversation.

“So is there anything you wanna do after this before I hand you over to Josh?” Jenna asked before shoveling a large bite of pancake into her mouth. Tyler still hadn't been able to figure out how such a small person could eat so much food.

Tyler took a sip of his coffee. “Actually yeah, I've been wanting to get another tattoo lately and I think today would be a good day.”

“Oh really? Whatcha thinking of getting?” Jenna asked, raising her brows with curiosity.

“I've been wanting to get some lines on my wrists,” Tyler answered, his voice a little low. “I know it sounds weird, but ya know, it means something to me.”

Jenna nodded understandingly. “Eh, it’s not weird. If it means something to you, then it's not weird.”

Tyler smiled at Jenna’s words, his chest filled with a sudden burst of sunshine, happy to have a friend like her. Earlier thoughts soaked in shadows and pain forgotten and he continued the rest of his breakfast with Jenna with a sudden lightness.

Once they finished their meal and paid, the two left the diner and began making their way over to a tattoo shop downtown. They waited for a few minutes when they finally arrive, Tyler explaining his desired design to the artist when he finally sat down with him.

Tyler bit down on his lip as they needle met his wrist and the pain brought a familiar tightness in his chest. He glanced over at Jenna, who gave him an assuring smile and the pressure in his chest released.

Relief flooded Tyler’s arm once the tattoo finished and the artist began wrapping his wrist up. The artist reminded him of the aftercare as he paid for the tattoo. Tyle thanked him and the two left the shop together, back once again on the downtown pavement.

“You happy with it?” Jenna asked, peering down at Tyler’s wrist.

Tyler nodded. “Yeah, it’s great, it’s exactly how I wanted it.”

They eventually found their way back to the apartment building, entering the main floor and walking over to the staircase. Jenna bidded Tyler a goodbye as she made it to their floor and Tyler continued up to Josh’s.

“Have fun with Josh - don't do anything I wouldn't do!” Jenna called out to Tyler, shooting him a wink as he rolled his eyes.

Tyler climbed up the last few steps and travelled down the hallway to Josh’s apartment. He knocked on the door and was met with Josh’s ever smiling face within seconds.

“Happy birthday!” Josh exclaimed, leaning forward and wrapping his arms around Tyler’s frame, squeezing him tight. After a moment, he released the hug and pulled Tyler into the apartment, closing the door behind him.

Ruby soon emerged from Josh’s bedroom and Tyler knelt down to give her a quick pet. “So how was breakfast with Jenna?” Josh asked, leaning against the wall as he watched Tyler and Ruby with a fond smile.

“It was nice, I ended up getting a new tattoo afterwards,” Tyler replied, extending his arm out to Josh so that he could see.

“Oh wow, that's sick. I like it, it really suits you,” Josh said, a soft smile painting his lips.

“So, what all do you have planned for today?” Tyler asked, standing back up and wrapping his arms around Josh’s cool neck.

“Well I figured you weren't gonna want to do anything too crazy,” Josh began, “I thought we could just chill out. Watch some Netflix, eat a shit ton of food - do whatever you want to do, it's your day.”

Tyler hummed and nuzzled his face into the crook of Josh’s neck. “Yeah, that's sounds good,” he murmured, “does chilling out include cuddling and making out.”

Josh giggled into Tyler’s hair. “It'd be boring if it didn't.”

Josh gripped his cool fingers around Tyler’s hand and lead him over to his bedroom. Tyler hopped onto the bed as Josh grabbed his laptop, setting it down at the end of the bed.

“Oh, you should know I had tried to bake you a cake but there were some...technical difficulties,” Josh explained with a strained expression.

Tyler raised a brow. “Do I even want to know?” he asked, to which Josh shook his head.

“Also! I gotta give this to you before I forget,” Josh said, going over to his closet and pulling a nicely wrapped box. He set it down on the bed in front of Tyler and then sat down next to him. “Happy birthday!”

Tyler did his best to ignore the same guilt from earlier that swam in his chest as he began tearing off the wrapping paper. He opened the box and his mouth gaped open as he picked up what was inside.

“Jenna told me you got rid of your old one, I figured you may want one if you're gonna do music for living,” Josh said as Tyler stared in awe at the ukulele in his hands.

Tyler looked up Josh with disbelief in his eyes. “This is...this is incredible, Josh. Thank you so much, I can't even tell you how amazing this is,” Tyler said, his fingers tracing over the wood grain and strings of the instruments.

“Now there's a second part to the present - but it's completely optional, depending if you wanna do it or not,” Josh said, earning him a strange look from Tyler. “So Jenna talked to Patrick and she was able to get you a gig at the coffee shop. You'd only be playing for tips, but ya know, I think it's a good start.”

Tyler swallowed hard as his heartbeat sped up. “When's the gig?” he asked, wringing his shaking hands.

“Next Saturday,” Josh answered. “And if all goes well and you like it, you can keep it as a regular thing.”

Tyler curled his lips and glanced between the ukulele and Josh. “Uh, I - sure, yeah, I'll try it out. I mean, how bad could it be?”

Josh grinned from ear-to-ear. “Awesome! You're gonna do great, Ty, I'm sure of it.”

Tyler began messing with the ukulele as Josh pulled up Netflix and began searching for something to watch. He plucked the strings and tried his best to tune it by ear. He set the instrument off to the side once Josh found something and he curled into Josh’s side.

“You ever watch How I Met Your Mother?” Josh asked, putting his arm around Tyler’s shoulders and pulling him close.

“Nope - I heard the ending sucked though,” Tyler answered, absentmindedly playing with the strings on his hoodie.

“Oh yeah it totally did, but the rest of the series was amazing,” Josh said, making Tyler snort.

Tyler barely paid any attention to the show, taking his time with Josh to trail kisses across his jaw and lips. Josh returned every kiss and let his fingers trace down Tyler’s cheeks and neck.

“Hey Ty, can I ask you something?” Josh asked, pressing his nose into the crook of Tyler’s neck.

“Sure, what is it?” Tyler responded, a bundle of nerves tying a knot in his stomach.

“The first time I had asked you out, you said that you didn't really do relationships due to some bad incidents,” Josh began, biting down on his bottom lip. “What changed your mind?”

Tyler sighed quietly as he thought for a moment. “I...I guess it was just you that changed my mind. Being close to someone terrified me - I didn't want to hurt someone or get hurt, but -” Tyler hesitated for a moment, trying to connect his thoughts into words. “You made me realize that it was okay to hurt. That being close to someone was worth the ache it may cause. And fuck, I’d rather be close to you and risk the hurt than play it safe and never get to be with you.”

Josh smiled gently as pink rushed to his cheeks. “You're so cheesy, Tyler,” he teased, giggling quietly.

Tyler rolled his eyes but smiled nonetheless. “Oh shut up and just let me try to be romantic without ruining the moment.”

The two then laid together into silence, occasionally sharing chaste kisses and small touches. They laughed together at the show and Tyler found himself melting into Josh’s touch.

“I wanna stay like this forever,” Tyler murmured, intertwining his fingers with Josh’s.

Josh smiled down at Tyler with a sad sparkle in his eyes, making his expression unreadable. “Yeah, me too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck guys I'm sorry it took me so long to update. I was super busy this week and I kept trying to update before Friday cause I had a Panic! concert and I just wanted it done before then but I completely failed at doing so and I am so sorry!  
> I'm also sorry this chapter is a bit of mess I think, I tried my best and I still think it's pretty good. It's a bit of a filler, but I still like it.  
> Anyway, I hoped you liked it and I hope it was worth the waIT! And please never hesitate to yell at me in the comments to update cause I'm becoming really shit at it


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun drinking game i came up with for this fic: take a shot anytime josh tells tyler not to worry / he's fine

The week rolled by quicker than Tyler anticipated and it was Friday in the blink of an eye.  On that night before the gig, he found himself sitting on his bed with Josh by his side and his ukulele in his lap.  Josh listened as Tyler sang quietly under his breath, tapping out a beat with his foot as Tyler strummed out dismal chords.  The clock next to his bed read 1:00 A.M and small yawns continued to fall from Josh’s lips as he looked out the snow covered window.

 

Tyler had spent the majority of the week locked away in his room, nerves and anxiety forcing him to focus on practicing because heaven forbid he messes up.  He was a little rusty on the ukulele, but his fingers eventually remembered the positions.  

 

Josh came over everyday afterwork, occasionally having Ruby in his tow.  He’d sit down on the bed and listen as Tyler played, giving him praise and the occasional critique.  Josh’s company brought an ease to Tyler as he practiced, his presence always managing to calm down any worries he would create in his mind.

 

Tyler stared at his phone that displayed the song’s chords, his gaze shifting from the screen to the fretboard every now and then.  He sang along, mostly keeping quiet so he wouldn’t disturb Jenna, who was sleeping soundly.

 

“Are you only doing cover songs for tomorrow?” Josh asked, brows furrowed together.  His fingers played and picked at the hem of Tyler’s shirt, occasionally grazing his skin with the coolness of his knuckles and palms.

 

Tyler nodded as he began picking at the four strings, messing around with the chord progression of the song he was practicing.  “Well yeah, I don’t thinking playing anything I’ve written is that good of an idea.”

 

Josh’s expression only contorted into more confusion.  “How come?” he asked, sitting up and pulling himself closer to Tyler, crossing his legs over one another and resting his chin on his knuckles.

 

“They’re not very good songs, just kinda messy words I wrote in a frantic to just get it all out,” Tyler explained, absentmindedly plucking the G and E strings.  “Messy words don’t make for very good songs.” 

 

Josh scoffed and rolled his eyes.  “I’m sure they’re amazing, you’re just overthinking it.”

 

Tyler shrugged his shoulders.  “Yeah probably, but still,” he mumbled, “besides, most of them are better suited on piano than ukulele.”

 

“Well then we’ll just have to tell Patrick to get a piano for the shop,” Josh grinned, earning him an eyeroll and a small smile from Tyler.  He sighed softly and laid back down, resting his head on Tyler’s thigh as he went to strumming out popular songs on his ukulele.

 

“Are you nervous?” Josh asked, speaking softly, keeping his voice low.  

 

“Of course I’m nervous, I haven’t sung in front of anyone since I was like seventeen,” Tyler replied, deciding to take a break from practicing as carpal tunnel started spreading in his wrists.  He set the ukulele down next to his bed and focused his attention on Josh.

 

Josh turned his body and curled in on his side, a yawn escaping his lips.  “You shouldn’t be, you have like the most beautiful voice ever,” he said, tiredness slurring his words.

 

Tyler curled his lips as a smiled began etching its way around his smile.  “Thank you,” he replied, his voice barely audible.  He received no reply from Josh, hearing only small snores from his side. 

 

Tyler gazed down at Josh’s sleeping figured and smiled to himself, taking the time to notice all the little details on his face, his expression at ease as he slept.  His lips jutted out into a small pout, quiet breaths causing his chest to gently rise and fall.  

 

Moving slowly so he wouldn’t disturb Josh, he reached into his bedside drawer and pulled out the journal Jenna got for him and a pen.  Many pages were already filled with nonsense and he flipped through them till he landed on a blank one.  

 

Staring between Josh and the paper, words flowed from Tyler and his chest felt both heavy and light.  Lyrics came through easily and Tyler was surprised by how much he liked them.

 

_ I don’t care what’s in your hair, I just wanna know what’s on your mind _

_ I used to say I wanna die before I’m old, but because of you I might think twice _

 

With the lyrics all written, he picked up the ukulele and quickly figured out a progression and pattern.  He played it slowly so he wouldn’t wake Josh, but his brain told him the song needed to be faster.  At that moment he decided it was good enough and set the journal and pen off to the side, a small part of him telling him that he was going to hate the song in the morning.  Tyler was too tired to care.

 

Gingerly he shifted his position so that he could lay next to Josh.  He gently threw his arm around his torso and lightly traced patterns into bare skin, the contrast of warm and cold burning between their shared skin.  Tyler didn’t mind the burn, he simply enjoying the sensation of actually feeling something too much to care.

 

The weight of exhaustion began to make his eyelids heavy and his eyes began to flutter close.  Though nerves and anxiety pricked at his veins, begging him to stay awake and listen to them, he was too at ease by Josh’s side.  With his bones settled next to Josh’s, he relaxed into the bed and was taken by sleep.

  
  
  
  


When the morning came, Tyler woke to a cold bed and no one by his side.  Blindly, his groggy hands searched through the sheets, trying to feel for Josh.  His fingers eventually found the hem of a shirt and Tyler blinked heavily as he tried to open his eyes.  

 

Forcing himself to sit up, Tyler rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hands and peered over at Josh.  He was sat on the edge of the bed, one hand cradling his head and the other clutching his chest tightly, turning his knuckles white.  His back and chest went up and down fast and almost frantically, his breath sounding pained.

 

“Josh?” Tyler asked softly, voice raspy with sleep.  “Josh, are you okay?”  He crawled over to Josh and placed a hesitant hand on Josh’s back, leaning forward to look at his face that was contorted with subtle pain.

 

Josh nodded quickly.  “Yeah, I’m fine,” he swallowed, lifting his head to look at Josh.  He forced a smile and Tyler ignored how it didn’t reach his eyes.  “Just kinda hurt, I probably slept weird or something, but I’m fine.”

 

Tyler wasn’t convinced.  “You sure?  You don’t look all that good, do you feel sick?” he asked, his hands searching for something to do.  He settled on placing his palm on his forehead, only to meet with the usual coolness of his skin that was reassuring for once.

 

“No, just a little sore, no need to worry,” Josh assured, taking Tyler’s hand from his forehead and giving him a gentle squeeze.  He took a deep breath and stood up, flashing Tyler a smile as he began stretching out his limbs.  Tyler averted his gaze when the hem of his shirt rose and showed odd red marks.  

 

“How about I make you breakfast?” Josh suggested, grabbing both of Tyler’s hands and swinging their arms side to side.

 

“You don’t have to, I can just have cereal or whatever,” Tyler replied, still a little uneasy.  He didn’t like how fast Josh changed the subject.  

 

_ Everything’s fine, you’re just overthinking it like you always do.  _

 

“I know I don’t have to, but I want to,” Josh said, his eyes sparkling like the stars.  “It’s your big day today!  I want you to start it off with a sick as frick breakfast.”

 

Tyler giggled as he stood up, pressing a quick kiss onto Josh’s lips and resting his forehead against his.  “You’re too sweet, you know that?”  

 

Josh wrapped his hand around Tyler’s hand and the two walked out to the kitchen.  Josh took out pancake mix as Tyler grabbed eggs and milk.  Josh went over to the cabinet and kneeled down.

 

“Do you guys not own a pan?” Josh asked, searching through whatever utensils him and Jenna and thrown in that cabinet. 

 

“We own one, but I think it’s in the sink,” Tyler answered, grabbing a bowl and pouring in the pancake mix.

 

Josh nodded and moved over to the sink as Tyler got to work on the pancake batter.  Tyler watched in the corner of the eye as Josh reached into the sink, only to viciously pull back his hand from it and gasping quietly.

 

“Holy shit Josh, what happened?” Tyler asked, turning around only to see Josh gripping his arm, blood smearing beneath his hand.  He rushed over to Josh and grabbed a rag from the side of the sink, pressing it against Josh’s wound. 

 

“There was a, um, knife in the sink...I went to move and I dropped it and it got my arm,” Josh explained, his words coming a little slow.  He licked his lips and he stared down at his arm as Tyler inspected the cut.

 

“Luckily it doesn’t look that deep, so no need for stitches or anything,” Tyler said, “here, hold onto the rag, I’m gonna go get the first aid kit from the bathroom.”  Josh nodded and took the rag from Tyler’s hand as he left the kitchen.

 

Tyler hurried over to the bathroom and grabbed the first aid kit from under the sink.  He came back to the kitchen and set the kit down on the counter, rummaging through the contents.  He pulled out an elastic wrap and began wrapping it around Josh’s arm.

 

“There, that should do it,” Tyler said, taking the now bloodied rag from Josh and tossing it in the trash.  

 

“You should be a nurse,” Josh teased, giggling lightly, though sounding forced. 

 

“Fuck no, I can't do hospitals and blood,” Tyler replied, shaking his head as he cleaned up the little spots of blood that got in the sink. 

 

Josh bit down on his lip as he watched Tyler begin to wash the pan. “Sorry about that,” he mumbled, staring down at the ground, avoiding Tyler’s gaze. 

 

“It's fine Josh, accidents happen - I'm just glad it was just a little cut,” Tyler told him, giving him a reassuring smile. “How about you mix the batter while I do this, yeah?” 

 

Josh nodded and walked over to where Tyler had abandoned the bowl of pancake batter. Tyler tried to ignore Josh’s sudden shift in mood as he finished up cleaning the pan and went back to Josh to help. 

 

“What time do we need to get there?” Tyler asked, throwing the pan onto the oven and turning on the fire. 

 

“Patrick told me around four and you can start at about five, so we have a bit of time,” Josh answered, his voice quiet as he poured a small amount of batter onto the now burning pan.  Tyler glanced at the time on the microwave and saw it read ‘11:37.’

 

Tyler furrowed his brows as he glanced at Josh. “You okay Jishwa?” Tyler asked, hoping maybe just the nickname would get him to smile. 

 

Josh nodded, blinking heavily.  “Yeah, just a little lightheaded,” he hummed, “I'm fine, don't worry.”  

 

Tyler was beginning to notice that the more times Josh told him  _ not _ to worry, the more he ended up worrying about him. 

 

But he ignored the feeling as always and went back to flipping pancakes with the yellow haired boy.  As the finished up the last bit of batter, footsteps padded from the hallway and Jenna walked into the kitchen. 

 

“Awe you guys made me pancakes? You guys are the best,” Jenna yawned, blinking sleepily and groggily scratching at the messy bun that sat on her head.  

 

A smile quipped at Tyler’s lips as he grabbed a few paper plates and forks. He handed one to Jenna, who gave him a grateful grin. 

 

“What happened to your arm Josh?” Jenna asked, noticing the blood soaked bandage on his arm. 

 

“I dropped a knife,” Josh replied, shrugging nonchalant. 

 

Jenna purses her lips as she continued to stare. “It's not deep is it? It looks like it's still bleeding,” she noted, “you should get another bandage on it, that one is soaked.” 

Josh nodded and began peeling off the elastic wrap, causing streams of blood to flow down his arm quickly.  The sight confused Tyler - it was only a small cut, it should've stopped already. 

 

“You sure you don't want to go check it out if it needs stitches? It looks pretty bad,” Jenna commented as Josh grabbed a new wrap and began winding it around his arm. 

 

Josh waved her off. “Nah, it's fine, it just needs a bit more time s’all,” he said, wiping the blood off his arm and turning to grab a paper plate and a pile of pancakes. 

 

Tyler and Josh sat up on the counter as they ate their pancakes, watching Jenna as she began brewing a pot of coffee.  “So are you excited?” Jenna asked, as she grabbed several mugs and set them to the side of the coffee maker.

 

Tyler shrugged his shoulders.  “More nervous than excited, but yeah, I think so,” he answered, shoveling a bite of pancake into his mouth.  Jenna nodded as she poured the coffee into the mugs.  She opened the drawer next to the sink and pulled out the familiar orange container, handing it to Tyler along with his cup of coffee.

 

“Thank you,” Tyler murmured, popping open the cap and swallowing the bitter pills with a sip of coffee.  Guilt and thankfulness flooded Tyler’s chest.  He shouldn’t have to rely on Jenna for remembering to do such a simple action as taking medication. 

 

“So are you doing anything original tonight or just covers?” Jenna asked, handing one of the other cups of coffee to Josh, who smiled a thank you and took it gratefully.  

 

Tyler swallowed and thought for a moment as Josh leaned down to rest his head on his shoulder.  “Mostly covers, I think I might do one original maybe,” Tyler replied, remembering the song from the night before.  

 

“Oh you’ll have to do an original song, they’re so good,” Jenna said, her words muffled by the bite of pancake in her mouth, the sight making Tyler cringe in disgust.

 

Tyler raised a brow at the blonde.  “You’ve never even heard any of them before,” he retorted, shooting her an odd look.

 

Jenna scoffed.  “Of course I’ve heard them, Tyler - you sing so loud, I’m pretty sure everyone on the top floor has heard them too,” she said, causing the heat to rush up to Tyler’s cheeks.  He stared down at his feet and continued to eat as Jenna giggled.

 

Taking the last bite of his pancakes, Josh hopped off the counter and tossed his plate into the trash.  “Well I need to go swing by my apartment for a bit, so I’ll meet you there tonight, yeah?” Josh told Tyler, pressing a gentle kiss onto Tyler’s forehead.

 

“M’kay, see you later then,” Tyler said, pathetically wishing Josh would just stay for the rest of the day.  Josh gave him a kiss goodbye and offered Jenna a quick wave as he left the apartment.  A heavy sigh escaped from Tyler’s lips as the door shut closed.

 

Jenna’s expression grew concerned.  “You alright?” she asked, scrunching her eyebrows together.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine, just...I’m worried about Josh,” Tyler replied, running his hand through his hair, cringing at the dirty texture.  “He’s been a little off lately, I just feel like something’s wrong.”

 

“What do you mean off?”  Jenna asked, crossing her arms over her arms and leaning against the counter as she listened to Tyler carefully.

 

Tyler hesitated, searching for the right words.  “I dunno, he’s just been really tired lately and kinda weak - he doesn’t eat as much as he’s used to.  And this morning he woke up and it sounded like he was having trouble breathing and then the whole thing with the knife, he immediately just looked worst,” he explained, his words coming out in a breathless ramble.  He took a breath and bit down on his lip.  “Please tell me I’m just overthinking it all.”

 

Jenna pursed her lips.  “I don’t know Tyler, have you talked to him about it?”

 

“Well, kinda.  I’ll ask him if he’s okay or whatever, but he always just tells me he’s fine - and I want to believe him, but I just can’t,” he replied, “I mean, if something was wrong, he would tell me right?  There’s no need for me to push him for answers.” 

 

A sad smile painted Jenna’s lips at Tyler’s words and she sighed lowly.  “Tyler, Josh isn’t Brendon, okay?” she said, making Tyler’s chest twist uncomfortably.  “I know that’s how it was with you two, but Josh isn’t like that at all.  He’s shy and keeps to himself a  _ lot.   _ He’s not going to tell you if something is wrong, you’re going to have to get him to tell you if you’re that worried about him.” 

 

Jenna walked over to Tyler and placed a gentle hand on his arm.  “Look, you probably are just overthinking it , but if you’re that concerned, you just gotta talk to him, okay?” 

 

Tyler nodded and Jenna turned her smile into a reassuring one.  “Good - now worrying about Josh and worry about you and get ready for tonight.”

 

“Yes mom,” Tyler teased, earning him a smack on the head from Jenna as he got down from the counter.  He threw his trash away and made his way to the bathroom.

 

As Tyler showered and got ready, his head flooded with worries that made his chest ache.  Worst case scenarios played in his head and made his throat feel tight, as if someone was suffocating him.  Thoughts haunted him as he tried to get dressed and no amount of internal self-coaxing could make them go away.

 

Once he was dressed and ready, Tyler was able to waste the last few hours of waiting by practicing.  He revisited the song from the previous night, surprised when he still didn’t hate the lyrics.  Fixing a few rough edges, he decided it was good enough.  Her fingertips grew sore and calloused from the constant playing on the nylon strings.  

 

When the time grew close to four, Tyler put the ukulele in a case and grabbed his wallet and keys.  He stood at the doorway as he waited for Jenna, the two leaving then the apartment together.  They made their way down the staircase and left the building.

 

They walked down the pavement and turned the corner to where the quaint coffee shop sat on the street.  A small bell chimed as they pushed opened the door and Tyler’s anxiety peaked when he saw the crowded tables and couches. 

 

Jenna took his arm gently and gave him an encouraging smile as they walked over to the counter where Patrick stood talking to Pete and Josh who had Ruby in his tow.  Patrick grinned brightly at the sight of the two and Jenna handed Tyler off to Josh.  At the sight of Josh’s crinkly smile, the storm in Tyler’s chest eased a little. 

 

“Hey Tyler, it’s good to see ya man,” Patrick greeted, leaning against the counter with his elbows propping him up.  “You ready to please all my adoring customers?  It’s been awhile since they’ve had some live music, so I think they’re pretty excited for you.” 

 

Tyler swallowed thickly.  “Yeah okay, no pressure there,” he joked, chuckling nervously.  Josh wrapped the hand that wasn’t gripping onto Ruby around Tyler’s waist and pressed a kiss on the spot behind his ear.

 

“You’re gonna be great,” Josh whispered, reassuringly, helping to calm Tyler’s worries.  

 

“Well Pete’s just gotta do a quick little soundcheck for you and then you’ll be all set, okay?” Patrick told him, to which Tyler nodded in reply.  He unwillingly left Josh’s embrace and followed Pete over to a small platform in the corner of the bar where a mic and speaker sat.  

 

Most customers paid little to no attention to Tyler as Pete hooked up his ukulele and had him speak into the mic, messing with a small soundboard that sat on a shelf in the corner of the platform.  Once all was good with the speakers and microphone, Pete stepped down and had Patrick come up to introduce Tyler.

 

All Tyler heard was static and the vague sound of clapping as Patrick spoke into the microphone, anxiety swimming into his chest and head, making him short of breath.  As Patrick stepped back down, Tyler’s body switched into autopilot and he moved up to the microphone.  He swallowed hard and glanced over to where Josh sat.  The yellow haired boy smiled brightly and gave him a thumbs up. 

 

The tightness in his throat eased and Tyler was able to found his words as he began strumming his ukulele.  Lyrics came out a little anxious and rough, but Josh’s continuing smile continued to ease the worries.  By the end of the song, Tyler’s chest was light and worry free.  His heart fluttered excitedly as he gave one last strum of the song and the small shop was filled with soft applause. 

 

As the night went on and Tyler sang more, his confidence elevated and grew more care-free.  He found himself loss in the music, able to ignore the sounds of being getting up and the groaning of the espresso machine on the counter next to him.  Josh whistled and clapped the loudest, making Tyler’s cheeks pink, but he didn’t care. 

 

Finishing his last cover song, Tyler’s fingers began plucking the pattern he created the night before.  “This last song is an original song, it’s called We Don’t Believe What’s On Tv - I hope you like it,” he announced, familiar anxiety building up as he played the chord progression.

 

“ _ We don’t believe what’s on tv _

_ Because it’s what we want to see _

_ And what we want, we know we can’t believe _

_ We have all learned to kill our dreams.”  _

 

Tyler looked to Josh as he moved to fingers to a new progression, his hands shaking the slightest and making the chord sound weird.  Josh gave him encouraging smile and Tyler tried his best to focus his hands. 

 

“ _ I need to know that when I fail, you’ll still be here _

_ Cause if you stick around, I’ll sing you pretty sounds  _

_ And we’ll make money selling your hair.”  _

 

Tyler’s eyes fluttered close as a smile edged around his lips, making his words clearer and brighter.  He opened his eyes back up to look at Josh as he moved to the chorus of the song.

 

“ _ I don’t care what’s in your hair, I just wanna know what’s on your mind _

_ I used to say I wanna die before I’m old, but because of you I might think twice.”  _

 

He played a fast strum on the ukulele and added some filler lyrics as he flashed Josh a smile.  “Alright, second verse,” he said, quickly, earning him a few giggles from those listening.

 

“ _ What if my dream does not happen? _

_ Would I just change what I’ve told my friends? _

_ Don’t wanna know who I would be, _

_ When I wake up from a dreamer’s sleep.” _

 

Tyler repeated the pre-chorus and chorus, his mood elevating as he sang to Josh.  Some customers clapped their hands together and joined him in the last bit of the song.  When he let out his final strum, they all gave one last applause and Tyler couldn’t contain his smile. 

 

“Thank you all so much, I hope you’ll let me sing for you again sometime,” Tyler spoke into the microphone before hopping off the platform. 

 

He rushed over to Josh who immediately embraced him and pressed the warmest kiss onto his lips.  Tyler wrapped the arm that wasn’t holding his ukulele around Josh’s neck.  They released reluctantly, both in need of air.  They pressed their foreheads together and smiled to one another. 

 

“I love you, Tyler Joseph,” Josh whispered, breathlessly. 

 

Tyler’s breath hitched in his throat and his insides twisted.  He stared at Josh’s warm eyes and all the knots undid themselves and he found himself melting into his embrace once more.  “I love you too, Josh Dun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! Sorry these updates keep taking so long, I promise I'm trying my best to get them out as soon as possible ! I hope this long (semi) fluffy chapter makes up for it ! Let me know what you think in the comments, feedback and kudos mean the world to me xx


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry updates keep taking forever, I've been very busy

Tyler spend every night for a week thinking about that Saturday night. Thinking about what Josh said - what he said. He laid wide awake, staring up at his blank ceiling, a scribble of emotions whirling in his chest as he mulled over the exchange.

Thinking about it, Tyler realized he really hadn't known Josh for very long - only a few months, though it felt like they’d known each other and been together for years. Did Josh really love him? Did he really love Josh? Could you love someone so fast? Why would he say it if he wasn't sure? Was he sure?

To make matters worse, Josh had left to go back to Ohio to spend Christmas with family during the time. Which left Tyler alone to answer all the questions that seized his mind.

Desperate to ease to the chaos of thoughts, Tyler turned to Google one restless night. He put all his questions into the search bar and studied every answer. Eventually, he settled upon a definition.

Love  
(n.) an intense feeling of deep affection

With a groan, Tyler had switched off his phone and spent the rest of the night tossing and turning. He decided he'd figure it out later.

Unfortunately, Tyler still hadn't figured it out when December began rolling to an end and it was time for Josh to come back to California. On the car ride to the airport, Tyler spent the better part of it staring out the front window and chewing off all his nails.

Such behavior earned him concerned looks from Jenna, who offered to drive him to the airport to grab Josh. She gave a quick glance off the road to look at Tyler.

“You okay Tyler? You look like you're gonna throw up,” Jenna asked, worry lacing her voice.

A sigh breezed through Tyler’s lips and he set his head back on the seat. “M’fine, just thinkin’,” he mumbled, playing with a loose thread on his hoodie.

“What about?” she asked, raising a brow.

Tyler licked and ran his teeth over his lips. “Josh told me he loves me,” he said, staring out the window. “And I told him I loved him too,” he quickly added before Jenna could even react.

Jenna paused for a moment. “Well, do you?” she asked, pursing her lips.

Tyler ran his palm over his face. “I don't know - I think I might, but I just - how am I supposed to know?” he replied, frustrated. “How do you know if you love someone?”

“How did you know with Brendon?” Jenna asked, a little quietly.

Tyler hesitated. “It was different with Brendon - we grew up together, I had known him all my life,” he answered, “I've only known Josh for a few months - so can I know?”

Jenna offered a gentle smile. “Look Tyler, love isn't something that's supposed to be timed or whatever. Love can take years and sometimes it takes weeks, maybe days,” she stated, “so fuck the idea that love needs to be justified by time.”

“Yeah, I get that - I just want to be sure, ya know? I don't want it to be one-sided,” Tyler continued to worry, guilt clawing at his ribs.

“Well, from my perspective I'd say you love Josh,” Jenna said, a smile painting her lips. “I've never seen you so happy, Tyler. The way you look at Josh is a way I've never seen you look before, like a whole other side of you I never got to see.”

“I mean, haven't you noticed how much you've changed within such little amount of time? Like, you haven't touched a cigarette in weeks - have you noticed?” she asked, almost excitedly.

Tyler paused, thinking for a moment, a little taken back. “No, I didn't even realize how long it's been,” he replied, “I haven't thought about smoking in forever it seems.”

Jenna’s smile grew wider. “He's good for you, Tyler,” she said, “I think Brendon would have liked him - would've been happy for you, glad that you finally figured yourself out.”

Tyler’s chest ached a little as he smiled back, hoping that was true.

Within the blink of the eye, they made it to the airport and Jenna parked the car at the short term lot. She turned off the car and turned to Tyler.

“You want me to stay here or do you need me to go with you?” Jenna asked, earning a snort from Tyler.

“Don't worry mom, I'm a big boy, I think I can manage going by myself,” Tyler answered, undoing his seatbelt and climbing out of the car.

Stepping into the airport, part of Tyler immediately wished he had asked Jenna to come with him. People flooded and crowded every corner, the loud chatter of people and noises from machines rattling the whole building. Pushed and shoved in every direction, Tyler swallowed the dread that weighed his chest and tried to plough through.

Making it to the baggage claim, Tyler shot a quick text to Josh telling him where he was and finally allowed himself to breathe. The baggage claim had significantly less people crowded everywhere and he no longer felt like he was suffocating.

After waiting a few moments, Tyler spotted a familiar head of yellow hair amongst the crowds of people. An easy smile immediately fell upon his face when the two met eyes and Tyler’s stomach did gymnastics.

Tyler’s smile fell slightly when he noticed how tired Josh looked. He walked slowly and gripped tightly to Ruby’s harness, as if he was going to fall without it. Dark circles around his eyes were prominent against his skin that looked like cellophane.

The corners of Josh’s eyes crinkled as a smile reached his face. He made his way over to Tyler and immediately wrapped his arms over him, nuzzling his face into the crook of Tyler’s neck.

“I missed you so fucking much,” Josh said, his words muffled by Tyler’s neck.

“I missed you too,” Tyler said, a little breathlessly. He pulled back and gave a quick look over at Josh’s weak frame. “Are you okay? You look sick.”

Josh waved him off. “Yeah I'm fine, flying has just been stressful and awful,” he explained, “apparently flying on the morning of New Year's Eve is not a good idea.”

Tyler chuckled and shook his head. “Yeah, that was a pretty shit idea,” he said, making Josh laugh quietly. “So I'm gonna assume you're not gonna want to go to Debby’s party tonight?”

Josh immediately shook his head frantically, to which Tyler laughed at. “Fuck no, I just wanna lay in my bed and wait for sweet death to take my jet lagged ass away.”

After a few minutes, Josh’s grabbed his luggage and the two began making their way to where Jenna was waiting in the car. Tyler placed Josh’s things in the passenger seat and joined Josh in the back seat of the car.

Ruby laid in Josh’s lap as Josh rested his head on Tyler’s shoulder, his eyes staring out the front window of the car, mind somewhere else.

“How was your Christmas?” Tyler asked, fingers making their way to Josh’s hair, winding his yellow curls around his knuckles.

“It was good, nice seeing everyone,” Josh hummed, “did you do anything?”

“I went with Jenna to spend it with her family, it was nice, except for the fact that her grandmother kept thinking I was her boyfriend,” Tyler answered, earning a quiet giggle from Josh.

“Awe, you guys would be so cute together,” Josh teased, to which Tyler shook his head and Jenna made a gagging noise.

Tyler scoffed. “Excuse me, but you'd be lucky to have a catch like me.”

Jenna clicked her tongue on the roof of her mouth. “Nah, too high maintenance me,” she stated. Tyler gasped and laid an offended hand on his chest.

They spent the rest of the drive mostly silent, Josh too tired and Tyler too socially awkward to carry a conversation without Josh’s usual talkative self. Quick kisses were shared every now and then, like little reminders that they were still there with each other.

When they finally made it home, Tyler accompanied Josh and Ruby back to his apartment while Jenna headed over to Debby’s. Josh moved slowly up the stairs, his breath sounding a little ragged.

Tyler grabbed Josh’s hands and helped him get up to the hallway. He tucked his arm under Josh’s for support as they made their way over to his apartment.

Josh struggled to unlock the door and the practically collapsed on the couch, his chest rising and falling sporadically. Ruby nudged Josh worriedly and Tyler sat next to him, concern weighing his shoulders.

“I'm fine, Ty,” Josh said, before Tyler had a chance to say a word. “Just a little tired and sore.”

Tyler swallowed thickly and chewed on the inside of his cheek. “Josh, is there something you're not telling me?” he asked, worry clawing up from the pit of his stomach to his throat, scratching and tearing him apart. “Are you sick?”

Josh offered an assuring smile. “Nah, I'm not sick, I'm just...weak. My body just isn't very nice to me a lot of the time.”

Josh crawled over to Tyler and took his hand, a causing chills to run down Tyler’s arm. “Believe me, okay? I love you, I wouldn't lie to you.”

Another lump formed in Tyler’s throat and he nearly choked. “I love you too.”

Concern flooded Josh’s expression and he scrunched his brows. “Are you sure, Ty? I understand it hasn't been long, you don't have to say it back.”

Every bone in Tyler’s body begged him to run, red flags and signals going up because he's never been good at talking about emotions, especially ones involving cute boys with pretty eyes.

“I think I'm sure,” Tyler began, speaking slowly, trying to give his brain time to think and figure everything out. “I mean I don't think there's a better way to explain the way I feel for you than love.”

Josh smiled softly. “Ya know, my mom always told me that love wasn't feeling, it's an action,” he began, “like, the feeling of butterflies is nice, but it isn't always there. Love is work and you gotta show for it.”

“I think I've worked hard to love you, which is why I'm not afraid to say it after only a few months,” Josh finished, “it’s okay if you can't, you don't have to say just because I do.”

Tyler shook his head. “No, no - I love you, Josh, I do,” he insisted, with confidence he could finally have on the matter. “You're my stars and moon and every other cliche in between. I love you.”

Josh curled his lips into his teeth as a smile reached his cheeks and he looked down in his lap. “I love you too,” he replied, leaning forward and gently pressing their lips together.

The kiss was chaste and short, Josh pulling away quickly to catch his breath. Tyler forced himself not to worry, running Josh’s words on repeat in his head.

“So how would you like to spend New Year’s Eve tonight?” Tyler asked, intertwining their fingers together.

Josh hummed as he thought for a moment. “Uh, how about we order some pizza and go up to the rooftop with some blankets and watch the fireworks?” he suggested.

“You sure you wanna climb more stairs? You seem pretty tired out,” Tyler asked, biting down on his nodded lip.

Josh smiled and nodded. “Yeah I'm sure, the view will be worth it,” he assured.

“Alright, if that's what you want,” Tyler said, pulling out his cell phone and ordering a pizza for them to share.

The two grabbed some blankets and lounged around on the couch as they waited for the pizza. When it arrived, Tyler carried the box and Josh heaved the blankets on his shoulders as they climbed up the stairs.

Arriving to the rooftop, Josh laid one of the blankets down for them to sit on, wrapping the other one around their shoulders. Tyler set the box down and the two quietly began to eat pizza as they looked up at the sky.

“Hey look, you can see Mars and Venus tonight,” Josh said, pointing up to the sky excitedly. Josh looked to Tyler with child-like wonderment as he urged Tyler to look up.

“I don't see anything,” Tyler said, gazing up at the sky with a knitted brow, not seeing whatever Josh was pointing at.

“Okay, you see the moon right?” Josh asked, to which Tyler. “Okay so Venus is that really bright, star-looking thing above it. And Mars is that big dot above Venus.”

“Oh okay, I see it now,” Tyler said, looking over at Josh, who was a lot prettier than the stars and moon combined.

“And if you squint a little, you can see Neptune too,” Josh continued, completely oblivious to Tyler’s stare. Tyler hummed and nodded, resting his chin on his fist as he continued to enjoy the sparkle in Josh’s eyes.

They continued the night with stuffing their face with pizza and sharing kisses in between Josh’s excited rambling about the stars. Tyler’s chest felt light as he took he watched and listened to Josh talk, happy that he was back.

He hadn't realize how late it was until he heard people in the street begin counting down to midnight. He looked over at Josh and the two shared a knowing look as their countdown was just about to end.

As everyone shouted the last number and a “happy new year”, the two’s lips met and fireworks blasted off, both in the sky and Tyler’s chest. The kiss was a bit messy and tasted like pizza, but Tyler thought it was perfect.

They released and the two found home on each other’s forehead like always. “Happy New Year, Josh,” he said, with a smile.

Josh smiled back. “Happy New Year, Tyler.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and sweet, hope it was worth the wait ! Let me know what you think, comments and kudos are always appreciated ! x


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for homophobic language, physical abuse, self harm, and suicide  
> please read with care  
> stay alive frens xx

_Nine Years Ago_

 

Tyler perched on his bed as he looked out at the sea of cardboard boxes and trash bags that flooded his room. Stuff on shelves and in drawers sat still, waiting to be packed. Tyler remained still, overwhelmed by everything and not quite sure where to start.

 

Finding some motivation, he stood from his bed and began emptying his closet. He grabbed his clothes and started throwing piles into a large trash bag.  Halfway done with the closet, a familiar knock on the window stole his attention.

 

Turning around, a soft smile fell on his lips when he saw the familiar face. He walked over to the window and pushed it open, stepping to the side to let Brendon in.

 

“Holy shit, where did your room go?” Brendon asked, teasingly, making Tyler laugh through his nose.

 

“Well hello to you too,” Tyler replied, his heart doing flips as a laugh escaped Brendon’s lips and filled Tyler’s chest with sweetness.

 

“Are you packing for college?” Brendon asked, hopping onto the bed and sitting criss-cross. He sat his elbows on his thighs and rested his chin on his fists as he looked at Tyler.

 

“Yup,” Tyler answered, popping the ‘p’.  “Did you pack already?”

 

Brendon clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, a bitter look contorting his expression. “Uh didn't have to, my parents took care of it.”

 

Tyler nodded as he began putting his things in boxes. “Oh, that was nice of them,” he commented.

 

Brendon scoffed slightly under his breath. “Yeah, not really to be honest.”

 

Tyler paused for a moment and looked over at Brendon, confusion narrowing his eyebrows together. “What do you mean?”

 

Brendon laid on his back and stared up at the ceiling, avoiding Tyler’s gaze. “They kicked me out, Ty,” he said, “last month, actually.”  

 

Tyler’s heart stopped for a moment as his eyes widened.  “W-what? They _kicked_ _you_ _out_? Why are you just now telling me this? Why did they kick you out?” he asked, not able to stop the flood of questions spilling from his mouth.

 

“I came out to them, they didn't like it - told me they didn't want that “lifestyle” in their house,” Brendon explained, voice sounding strained.  “Didn't tell you cause I didn't want to freak you out or get you all worried - you have enough to be worried about.”

 

Tyler walked over and sat down next to Brendon, gently taking his hand into his.  “You should've told me Bren, I could've there for you - I _should've_ been there for you,” he told him, using his thumb to wipe the few strays tears that sat on Brendon’s cheeks.

 

Brendon bit down on his lip as more tears threaten to spill. “They told me I was disgusting, that it would have been better if I was dead than gay,” he began to babble, sobs choking his words. “They said I'm not their son anymore and they never want to see me again.”

 

Tyler softly pulled Brendon closer to him, letting him bury his head into his shirt and sobbing on his shoulder.  Tyler held him close and tight, running soothing fingers through his hair.

 

“Don't listen to them, Bren - they're idiots that don't understand,” Tyler assured, “you're not disgusting and you're definitely not better off dead. You're incredible and amazing and they don't have a clue what they're missing.”

 

Brendon sniffled and looked up at Tyler, eyes red and puffy from crying - but he smiled for Tyler nonetheless.  “I love you,” Brendon whispered, resting his forehead against Tyler’s, their noses brushing against one another.  

 

Tyler brought his hand up to Brendon’s jaw and gently cupped his cheek, softly pulling him closer.  Their lips met in the middle and they both shut their eyes, moving in sync as they deepen the kiss.  Their breath mingled and Tyler could taste the nicotine that lingered on Brendon’s mouth.  

 

Brendon broke away from the kiss and swallowed a deep breath, his eyes still wet and the rise and fall of his chest ragged.  He scrubbed his hand across his face and forced a smile on his lips.  “Here, lemme help you pack.”

 

The two stood from Tyler’s bed and began packing his belongings into boxes and bags.  Brendon sang quietly under his breath as he moved about.  Tyler listened with careful ears, Brendon’s voice making him feel light and relaxed.  

 

Not too long after, the remain of Tyler’s bedroom was all loaded into cardboard boxes and trash bags.  Both Tyler and Brendon collapsed back onto his bed, exhaustion seeping his bones and causing them to ache.  Their temples rested against one another as they both tried to steady their breath.  They turned their heads to look at one another and a smile spread across their smiles.

 

Brendon’s fingers traced across Tyler’s cheek, the softest smile painting his lips that caused his eyes to sparkle like water under the sun.  His gaze travelled across Tyler’s figure and pressed a quick kiss onto Tyler’s temple.

 

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” Brendon chanted, quietly, like a mantra.  Kisses sat in between his words, lips moving along the side of Tyler’s face.  A deep blush tinted Tyler’s cheeks and his chest fluttered with butterflies.

 

“My parents are home, I don’t wanna get caught,” Tyler murmured, his actions betraying his words as he dipped his lips down to meet with Brendon’s once more.  

 

“Fuck your parents, your lips are soft and I wanna kiss them,” Brendon replied, words coming out quickly before pressing their lips together again.

 

Their limbs became tangled with one another, their bodies intertwines along with their lips.  His fingers roamed freely through Brendon’s hair, tugging and pulling in every which direction.  Tyler’s head with clouded with fog, his mind focused only on Brendon.  He was so caught up in his little world with Brendon, he didn’t even notice when his door was suddenly wide open.

 

“ _What the_ _hell are you doing_?” a sudden gruff voice said, snapping the two out of their world.  The two immediately sprung up from the bed and Tyler felt his heart thunder against his chest as he looked at the angry figure of his father.

 

Tyler struggled to find words, feeling his entire world shattering around him.  “Dad, please, I can explain-”

 

“Keep your mouth shut, Tyler,” his father snapped, forcing Tyler’s lips into a straight line.  His father’s glare turned to Brendon and Tyler felt like he was suffocating.  “Get the hell out of my house, you _faggot._ And don’t you ever come near my son again - I don’t need you spreading your disease.”

 

Brendon remained frozen, looking between Tyler and his father, his eyes begging Tyler to do something.  Tyler swallowed hard and stared at the ground.

 

“Go Brendon,” Tyler choked out, not able to meet Brendon’s eyes.

 

“Tyler, I-”

 

“I said get out!” Tyler shouted, fear crawling into his bones and making his head go foggy.  His fingers shook and air seemed to escape his lungs.  Tyler didn’t need to look up to see Brendon’s expression, he could feel the other’s boy face crumbled as he stumbled out of Tyler’s room.

 

Looking down at the floor, Tyler watched as father stepped closer to him.  A rough hand gripped his chin and forced him to look up, his watery eyes meeting with fiery ones.  

 

“Listen now and listen good, I will not have a faggot for a son, do you understand?” his father spat, making Tyler flinch instinctively.  “I never want to see you with that boy again.”

 

“Dad, please, don’t,” Tyler choked, tears flowing down his cheeks.  “I love him, _please,_ please understand.”

 

In the blink of an eye, his father’s hand swept across his cheek and a stinging sensation flooded the left side of his face.  He yelped in pain and clutched his throbbing cheek.  “Love isn’t for two boys, it’s for a man and a woman - and you better get that in your head now or so God help me.”

 

Tyler held back another sob as his father reached for his belt and slid it off the loops.  He folded the ends together and swung it back, flinging it across Tyler’s jaw.  The metal clasp cut across Tyler’s skin and a line of blood was drawn from the spot where he hit him.

 

Tyler’s skin grew numb as his father continued to swing the belt at him, creating a canvas of bruises and cuts on his face.  No sobs were left in Tyler when his father finally left the room.  Running on autopilot, Tyler moved back to his bed and curled on his side.  He ignored the throbbing in his face, too focused on the ache in his chest as he stared out the window.  

 

_A Week Later_

 

The week before Tyler was set to leave for college, he somehow found himself at the lake at two in the morning.  Despite it still being August, the air was beginning to cool and wind brushed against the leaves of the trees that surrounded him.  He inhaled slowly, taking in the scent of the forest and the cool air of the night.

 

Tyler wasn’t sure what compelled him to come to the lake.  Maybe he just needed somewhere to clear his mind.  Somewhere that wasn’t tense and making him feeling like someone was closing their fists around his throat.  He just needed somewhere he could breathe.  

 

Staring down at the lake, Tyler caught a faint glance of his reflection.  His face definitely wasn’t a pretty sight.  Bruises both new and old littered his jaw and temples, cuts and welts filling the spots in between.  He was never quite sure how to explain himself when people gave him concerned looks and worried glances.

 

“ _It’ll be over soon_ ,” Tyler continued to tell himself, in efforts to cause some sort of reassurance within himself.  In a week’s time, he’d be long gone in California and he can leave everything in Columbus.  He’ll finally have a fresh start and he can forget about everything and everyone.

 

Tyler was pulled from his thoughts at the sound of twigs breaking beneath footsteps.  He spun himself around and dread filled the pit of his stomach.  

 

“No, please no, please go away - I can’t, I can’t, _I can’t,_ ” Tyler pleaded, scrambling to his feet and beginning to back away.  

 

“Tyler, please, listen,” Brendon begged, moving out of the shadows and slowly coming closer to Tyler.  Tyler continued to back away, the suffocating feeling returning to his throat and the cuts on his face suddenly stinging.  “Don’t run away from me, _please._ ”

 

Tyler shook his head rapidly and wrapped his arms around himself, as if to protect himself.  “No, don’t - _get away from me_!” Brendon continued to move closer and eventually found himself in front of Tyler.  Trying to take his arm, Tyler viciously flinched away from Brendon’s touch, causing the sleeve of his shirt to roll up and reveal stark red lines.  

 

“Don’t touch me!” Tyler screeched, quickly pulling his sleeve back down to his wrist.  Brendon already saw, the damage was already done.

 

“Tyler…” Brendon began, hurt burning his expression and voice.  “Not again, you promised never again.”

 

“Don’t fucking patronize me,” Tyler spat, taking Brendon by surprise.  “This is all your fault.  None of this would have never happened if it wasn’t for you - I knew I shouldn’t have listened to you, I knew it was wrong.  I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.”

 

Brendon’s face continued to crumble.  “No, Tyler, no - don’t say that Tyler.  It’s not wrong to love, Tyler.  Please, you gotta believe - I know you believe that.  That’s your father talking, not you.”

 

Tyler continued to shake his head, breath becoming harder to take in.  “ _Shut up shut up shut up_!  Get out of my head, Brendon!”  Tyler practically screamed, making Brendon wince.  “I won’t love you - I can’t love you.  I won’t burn in hell for you.”

 

Tyler ignored the tears that had begun streaming down Brendon’s face.  “Please, Tyler, please,” Brendon begged, pathetically.  “I love you, please don’t do this.  I can’t lose you too.”

 

Brendon reached out for Tyler once more, but Tyler shrugged him off.  “You can’t lose something you never had,” he told Brendon, turning on his heel and walking off, never once looking back.

 

After a long, exhausting - both physically and emotionally - walk home, Tyler was relieved to find his parents had already gone to bed.  He opened the front door quietly and tiptoed inside, making his way upstairs to his room.  He was ready to collapse on his bed when he noticed a piece of paper lying on his window sill.  He walked over and picked it up, reading the few words written on it.

 

_Tyler_

 

_i know it’s mad, but if i go to hell, will you come with me or just leave ?_

 

 - _Brendon_

 

 

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Tyler crumbled the paper in his hand and tossed it into the trash bin.  He moved over to his bed and laid down, closing his eyes.  With his mind going in every direction, sleep did not come easily.  Eventually, his thoughts tired themselves out and oblivion finally took him.

  


**8/26/2008**

**Local teen, Brendon Urie, found dead in the nearby lake and forest - suicide suspected**

  
  
  



	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is kinda a mess but I'm tired so I can't bring myself to care that much

Tyler hated Valentine’s Day.

It wasn’t because he’s been a bitter single for the past nine years who just despises anything with romance - he just found the concept of the holiday stupid. Why does there need to be one special day in the year to celebrate your significant other and show you love them? Shouldn’t almost everyday be like that? There’s too much pressure on the day, in Tyler’s opinion.

Unfortunately, according to Debby, Josh fucking loved Valentine’s Day. Which meant Tyler needed to learn how to love the damn holiday.

To add the shit icing on the fucked cake, Tyler was anything but romantic. He never had a clue on how to convey the way he feels for someone. Does he get Josh a gift? Does he want a gift? What does he get him? Chocolate? A stuffed bear? Roses? Is Josh gonna get him something? Does Josh want him to take him out? Does Josh already have plans? What the fuck was he supposed to do?

“I think you’re stressing too much about this,” Debby stated, as the three of them walked down the store aisle, not looking up from her phone to talk to Tyler. “You know how Josh is, he doesn't expect anything. He just wants to be with you.”

“She’s right, you just need to relax for once,” Jenna agreed, gazing at the shelves that were filled with Valentine themed gifts, using the hand that wasn’t holding Debby’s to pick up a box of chocolates.

“Valentine’s is like his thing anyway, he probably already has something planned out and doesn’t want you to do anything,” Debby pointed out, taking the box of chocolates from Jenna and handing them to Tyler. “Here, he loves chocolates, just get him this and let him do the rest.”

Tyler groaned as he took the chocolates from Debby. “But I wanna do more than that - he deserves more than a box of chocolates,” Tyler argued, stubbornly. “I wanna do something or get him something that’s more than that.”

“You’ll figure it out,” Debby said, suddenly too focused on fixing Jenna’s hair to give half her attention to Tyler, who currently had a black hole forming inside of him.

“You guys aren’t helpful at all,” Tyler pouted, placing the box back onto the shelf before going back to staring at heart adored bears and wanting to summersault into a burning fire.

It also didn’t help he chose the day right before Valentine’s Day to get his shit together. Most stores were all sold out of all Valentine shit, which left Tyler with very few choices. All that was left was shitty chocolate and stuffed bears that looked like were possessed.

“What are you guys doing tomorrow?” Tyler asked, sighing quietly under his breath as he leaned against the empty shelves, looking to the couple.

“Gonna hit the movies and the arcade,” Debby answered, wrapping her arms around Jenna’s waist and smiling softly. “I’mma try and win her a bear in one of those claw machines.”

Tyler continued to groan as Jenna smiled back at Debby, pressing her lips against hers, suddenly completely oblivious to Tyler’s existence. “I’m gonna try and find something else,” he announced, even though he knew his words were falling on deaf ears, the two caught up in their own world.

  
Tyler turned on his heel and began wandering through the store, eyes searching for anything that Josh might like. He walked down the music aisle, fully aware Josh owned practically every CD in existence. The same problem was found when he ventured down the movie section, every case familiar from Josh’s selection.

Making his way down to where the books were set, a glimpse of blue caught his eye. A little book with a navy fabric cover sat in front of a stack of magazines, the pages adorn with worn edges that gave it a vintage look. Gold lettering embroidered into the fabric read “Atlas: A Love Affair With Stars” glittered brightly against the dark cover. With careful hands, Tyler picked up the book and began flipping through the pages.

Drawing and diagrams of stars and constellations filled the pages. Poems that painted a love for stars that Tyler had only ever seen from Josh covered every edge and corner. Snippets of history and origins about stars sat beneath well-drawn images of constellations, providing Tyler with more information than Tyler knew there was.

“This is perfect,” Tyler muttered under his breath with a smile, earning him an odd look from an older lady across the aisle. Book in hand, Tyler left the aisle and went searching for Debby and Jenna.

Using the tip money he earned from singing at the coffee shop, Tyler bought the book and left the store more at ease than earlier. Heading back to the apartment, Tyler was left alone as Jenna followed Debby up to her apartment. He travelled up the staircase and walked into the apartment.

Setting the book down on the coffee table, Tyler walked over to the small storage closet down the hall and found some old wrapping paper. Grabbing some tape and scissor, he made his way back to the living room and sat down on the floor in front of the table.

Once he was done with his semi-okay wrapping his job, he set the book to the side and put the paper, scissors, and tape away. Laying down on the couch, Tyler was startled by the sound his phone vibrating on the coffee table. Picking it up, a small smile quipped at his lips as he saw the contact.

josh: how does the rooftop sound for tomorrow nite ?

tyler: rooftop always sounds good to me

josh: cool i’ll see you then x

tyler: see you then babe

Thinking the conversation, Tyler exited the conversation; only for his phone to go off again, Josh’s name appearing at the top of his screen.

josh: i miss you

tyler: you just saw me yesterday you dork

josh: i know

josh: but i didn’t get to see you today and that’s just not fair

tyler: you can come over if you want, Jenna’s over at Debby’s so I’m all by myself

josh: can i bring ruby ?

tyler: as if I would say no to getting to see a dog

Tyler figured Josh was already on his way down when he received no reply. Taking the time it took Josh to come down, Tyler quickly hid the book away in his room. After a few minutes, a knock echoed against the front door and Tyler opened the door to a halo of yellow curls and a bright smile. Ruby immediately ran into the apartment and jumped on the couch - Tyler’s apartment had practically become her second home, and he was a hundred percent okay with it.

Closing the door behind him, Josh walked into the apartment and greeted Tyler with a soft kiss. Chapped lips met with Tyler’s and a smile melted onto his face as Josh gently cupped his cheek. When they pulled away, Tyler tried not to notice how breathless Josh was from the short kiss.

“Your hair’s getting long again,” Josh noted, looking up at the top of Tyler’s head and running his fingers through the small tufts of hair that were growing from it. “It looks nice.”

“Thank you,” Tyler replied, shyly, his cheeks becoming tinted with a blush. Tyler always felt awkward getting compliments, and it didn’t help that Josh seemed to be full of them.

The two made their way over to the couch, the two sitting crossed-legged across from each other. Their legs laid on top of one another and their hands became intertwined as the two twisted fingers around one another, tracing small lines across fingertips and knuckles. A smile played on both of their lips and Tyler’s heart fluttered in his chest.

“Ya know,” Josh suddenly began, his voice soft and a little quiet. “The other day, Jenna told me that you hate Valentine’s Day.” Josh’s brow raised questioningly at Tyler, his expression a bit unreadable.

Tyler curled his lips under his teeth as he held back a groan. His brain struggled to come up with a reply, losing any excuse when Josh began giggling under his breath. “It’s okay, Ty, you don’t have to like it - I just wish you would’ve told me,” Josh said, “we don’t have to do anything for it if you don’t want to.”

“But you want to,” Tyler pouted, “that wouldn’t be fair to you.”

Josh shrugged his shoulders, giving Tyler a reassuring smile. “That’s okay, anything that makes you happy makes me happy,” Josh told him, “I don’t need a specific day to show you I love you - I love you everyday and I can celebrate that anytime I want.”

Tyler sighed as he leaned forward, pressing his nose into Josh’s collarbone. “You’re too good for me, Josh Dun.”

Josh giggled and gave a small kiss on Tyler’s temple, mumbling a quiet ‘thank you’. “How about we have our own Valentine’s? Like, tonight - it’ll be our day, instead of sharing it with a thousand other couples in the world.”

“That sounds super cheesy,” Tyler giggled, “I love it.”

“Well then, happy Valentine’s day,” Josh said, gently taking his fingers to Tyler’s chin and lifting his face up so he could give a soft kiss.

“Happy Valentine’s day,” Tyler murmured, their breath intertwining. “Oh, uh, I got you something, lemme go get it.” Tyler quickly stood up and left the living room to his bedroom. He took the freshly wrapped book from the drawer he stuffed it and made his way back to Josh.

He placed the gift into Josh’s hands, excitement and nerves resting in his veins as he watched Josh anxiously.

“Oh, you didn't have to get me anything,” Josh said, his fingers gingerly wrinkling the paper.

Tyler scoffed. “Just open it you dork,” he instructed, biting down on his lip as he waited.

Josh carefully peeled back the wrapping paper and slowly slid the book out. His fingers trace over the golden title, his lips parted open as he began flipping through it.

“Do you like it?” Tyler asked, nervously, wishing he was better at reading Josh’s expression.

“Ty..this is incredible, I love it, thank you so much,” Josh replied, setting the book down in his lap and looking up at Tyler. He leaned forward and placed a cold hand on Tyler’s jaw, bringing him close and meeting his lips with Tyler’s.

Josh smiled softly as they pulled from the kiss. “Thank you so much, Ty, this is the best thing someone’s ever got me.”

Tyler gazed down as his cheeks heated up. “I'm glad you like it,” he said, speaking quietly.

“Here, I got you something,” Josh said, digging into his jean pocket and pulling out something Tyler couldn't quite see.

He placed it into Tyler’s hand and he held it up to see. It was a necklace with a leather cord, a silver pendant at the bottom they resembled both a skeleton and a key.

“My friend Jesse made it,” Josh began to explain, “I thought it would look good with the skeleton hoodie you stole from me.”

Tyler rolled his eyes as Josh laughed teasingly. “First off, you gave me that hoodie,” he retorted, “secondly, this is amazing - I love it, thank you.”

Tyler took the necklace and placed the cord over his head, the key resting on his chest, his heartbeat hitting right behind it. Tyler looked up and the two shared another smile.

“I love you,” Tyler whispered, taking Josh’s hands, their fingers intertwining together.

Tyler tried not to notice the sudden dullness in Josh’s eyes. “I love you too.”

They sat in silence for a moment, the only sounds being soft snores from Ruby and the occasional creak of the couch as the two moved. Tyler played with Josh’s fingers as the other kept his gaze fixated on Tyler.

“Ty, can I ask you something?” Josh asked, suddenly breaking the silence.

“Of course,” Tyler answered, dread beginning to fill the pit of his stomach, terrified of what Josh had to say.

“Remember the first time I asked you out at Debby’s party?” Josh began, chewing on his nails in between words. “You told me you didn't do relationships.”

Tyler hesitated, taking a moment to think. “Uh, yeah, I remember.”

“You said it was because of some bad experiences,” Josh continued, his voice becoming reluctant. “What did you mean, Ty? What happened?”

Tyler choked on breath, pulling his hands away from Josh’s. “It's, uh, long story - not exactly a happy one either, as you can imagine.”

Josh ran his teeth over his bottom lip, looking at Tyler pleadingly. “If you don't want to, you don't have to - but, please, Ty. I just wanna understand.”

Tyler sighed as he ran shaking fingers through his hair. “Okay, okay - you deserve to know,” Tyler muttered, mostly to himself. “Do you remember when I told you about Brendon - he was first boyfriend?” Josh nodded and Tyler took another breath before continuing.

“We grew up together and, uh, our families were very religious and conservative - gay wasn't even in a vocabulary till I was like fifteen,” Tyler began, earning a small laugh from Josh. “So the idea of being with a guy has never even been a thought to me - though I never saw the appeal of girls, but I always saw the appeal of Brendon.”

“I thought there was something wrong with me the older I got and the more feelings I developed for him,” Tyler continued, swallowing the lump forming in his throat. “Thought I was sick - started to, uh, hurt myself. I thought I deserved it.”

“Tyler…” Josh spoke softly, fingers grazing over Tyler’s wrist.

Tyler ignored the comment and continued. “Brendon helped me out of it, helped me to stop, but the feelings definitely didn't stop,” he said, heart thundering against his chest. “It wasn't until the summer before college that everything just...kinda happened.”

“Brendon told me he had feelings for me - that he loved me and always had,” Tyler said, a sad smile forming across his lips. “It was hard at first - everything I had ever learned told me it was wrong and dirty - but Brendon…”

“He taught me better, taught me that no God would ever give a shit about who you love and that people like us deserve to love -” Tyler paused for a moment, his breath catching in his throat. “So we loved, just kept it a secret - waiting for college where we could finally be okay.”

“But then it just all went to shit,” Tyler said, his voice straining. Josh stared with concerned eyes, his brows narrowed together as he listened intently. “Brendon came out to his parents and was kicked out of his house. They told him awful things - called him disgusting, said he was better off dead.”

“Brendon was trying to balance on a very thin line and it just got so much worse.” Tyler ran his palm over his face, letting out a breath as he tried to settle for a moment.

“Tyler, you don't have to-”

“I want to, I promise,” Tyler assured, giving Josh a small smile that didn't meet his eyes. He took another breath before continuing once more.

“We got caught - by my dad. We were in my room, kissing on the bed. He walked in and was fucking pissed.”

“He kicked Brendon out and..I don't even know what happened - I just kinda snapped. Followed my father’s suit and told Brendon to leave.”

“My dad spent that week basically trying to, uh, beat the gay out of me - and it kinda worked, I think. Everything I ever learned from Brendon just left and I was back to where I started - just full of hatred towards everything.”

“Brendon tried to talk to me and it just did not go well. I screamed and yelled things I didn't mean - wouldn't even let him touch me.” Tyler rubbed at his wet eyes, the memories more vivid than he had ever allowed them to be.

“I didn't see Brendon for a few days after our fight - I thought he had finally left me alone,” Tyler said, his voice cracking. “The, uh, police found his body at the bottom of the lake - they said it was suicide.”

“Tyler...I..I'm so sorry,” Josh said, an ache clear in his tone. He leaned forward and tried to reach for Tyler, but he shrugged him off.

“I was mess when I went to college. I craved self destruction and took it in any form I could find it. I drank until I blacked out and started smoking - something I had told myself I'd never do,” Tyler continued, bitterly remembering the arguments he would have with Brendon over his cigarettes.

“I probably wouldn't have made it out if it hadn't been for Jenna,” Tyler admitted, “one night she found lying in the bathroom, completely drunk with a broken bottle of vodka and glass shards sticking out of my arm.”

“She forced me to tell her everything - tried so hard to help me get better. Which, I guess I did - except instead of feeling guilt and pain, it all turned into just a dull numbness.”

“I told myself I wouldn't do it again, that I wouldn't hurt someone else again,” Tyler exhaled, chewing on the inside of his cheek. “Love caused the person I loved to die and it almost killed me too - I didn't want to do it ever again.”

Josh sighed, taking Tyler’s hand and squeezing it assuredly. “Ty, you have to know what happened wasn't your fault. He made that choice and you couldn't have done anything to stop it.”

Tyler scoffed bitterly. “If it hadn't been for me, he would have never done it,” he resented, “he did it because of me, Josh - I'm the one who pushed him to that point.”

“That wasn't you, Tyler - that was your dad, who forced all those thoughts and ideas into your head,” Josh argued, “you had no control over what happened - it’s not your fault.”

Tyler sighed as he leaned back in the couch. “I want to believe that.”

Josh smiled softly. “One day you will, one day it'll be okay.”

“Thank you for telling me,” Josh said, speaking quietly. “I know it was hard, but it meant the world to me.”

Tyler let out a shaky breath and rested his forehead against Josh’s. “I love you Josh Dun.”

“I love you too, Tyler Joseph.”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hoped you enjoyed! If you did, be sure to let me know what you think ! x


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a mess, but it's the best I got  
> ...  
> It's been a long time coming, friends

If Tyler had known giving Josh a key to the apartment was gonna result in him being woken up at five in the morning to a 27 year old man on top of him, he probably would have never given it to him.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Tyler asked, voice thick with sleep. He blinked wearily at the halo of yellow curls that blinded his eyes. He tried to shove Josh off, but the boy stayed firmly planted to Tyler’s chest.

“What do it look like I’m doing? I’m waking you up,” Josh answered, simply, holding back a giggle. He curled his lips to keep himself from laughing.

Tyler sighed as he gave up his efforts on getting Josh off of him, slumping back into his bed. “Why are you waking me up at such an ungodly hour?” he asked, scrubbing his palm over his face. “Not even the sun has woken up yet - why should I?”

“That’s exactly why I’m waking you up - we’re gonna watch the sunrise,” Josh answered, a soft smile gracing his lips. His eyes sparkled brightly in a way that Tyler hadn’t seen in a long time it felt.

Tyler groaned under his breath as he tugged his blanket closer to his chin. “And why am I being forced to watch the sunrise?”

“Because it’s the first of March and sunrises are always the prettiest in March,” Josh stated, matter-of-factly. His tone reminded Tyler one of a child’s, making him smile.

“Oh is it now?” Tyler asked, playfully raising his brows at his weird-ass boyfriend. “And what evidence do you have that proves that statement?”

“Yes I do, the evidence will be you seeing it with your own eyes,” Josh said, before jumping off Tyler’s chest. “Now get out of bed or it’ll be too late.”

Josh hopped off the bed and pulled Tyler’s arms, helping him up to his feet. Still trying to wake up, Tyler stumbled as he stood and Josh helped to steady him. Tyler kept his blanket firmly wrapped around his shoulders, March’s late winter air promising chills and shivers. Hand in hand, they left the apartment and made their way on the familiar path to the rooftop.

Walking on the tips of their toes, they walked across the hallway and up the staircase. Josh’s steps were brighter and faster than usual, making Tyler trail in the dust behind him. Josh dragged him up the stairs mercilessly and practically made the door to the rooftop fly open.

Josh sat down on the cement excitedly, crossing his legs over one another and beckoning Tyler to sit down next to him. A smile on his lips, Tyler sat down next to Josh and enjoyed the sparkle the rising sun gave Josh’s warm eyes. Turning his cheek, Josh forced Tyler to look away from him and to look up at the morning sky.

Tyler watched as sunlight slowly began to fill the sky, the night melting away from the warm glow of the sun. Light danced across rooftops of buildings and left a golden array of crowns around the leaves on trees.

Dust laden clouds splashed the gray hued sky with palettes of pink and purple. The sky shifted from silver to purple within the blink of the eye, orange light surrounding the sun, bringing a pink tinge to the sky. Breath paused in Tyler’s lungs and he let the sight take the air from his chest.

“I told you so,” Josh whispered, pulling his knees to his chest and resting his chin on top, his gaze fixated on the golden sky. “Sunrises are gifts we get every morning and no one ever bothers to receives them - what a waste.”

Tyler pressed his cheeks against his fist as he stared at Josh, his chest clutching - the feeling bringing him a comfort of familiarity. “I have never met someone more in love with life than you, Josh,” he commented, his voice low, as if he was sharing a secret. “We come up to this same fucking rooftop almost every day and night - and you always have something. Whether it’s the stars, the moon, the sky, the sun - you love it.”

Lines of a smile quirked around the corners of Josh’s lips as he looked to Tyler, his words coming out hesitantly. “Everything’s just so...fragile you know? I mean, nothing’s stopping a random meteor or whatever from crashing into the Earth and destroying us all. Or a giant earthquake could destroy all these buildings and everyone inside. Maybe something happens and we’re not here the next day.”

“I think it’s important to love life while it’s still here,” Josh settled, smile on lips and sparkles in eyes gone, replaced with a familiar unreadable expression. “I know that sounds really cheesy and pretentious, but I dunno, I think about that kind of stuff a lot.”

“How come?” Tyler asked, interested to pick at Josh’s brain. He was always dying to know what was on the yellow haired boy’s mind.

Josh curled his bottom lip under his teeth, pulling on the chapped skin. “I was really sick when I was like sixteen,” he answered, bluntly, not meeting Tyler’s eyes as he spoke.

“Oh,” Tyler replied, dumbly, taken back by the answer. He wasn’t really expecting Josh to answer - and definitely wasn’t expecting that.

“It was some form of leukemia - it was pretty bad, I guess,” Josh said, his tone betraying the topic he spoke of. “Had a lot of near-deaths incidents and it just - it just freaked me out. I mean, I was only sixteen, I really hadn’t lived at all. I didn’t want to die not having done much of anything.”

“I survived though - obviously,” Josh continued, a chuckle lacing his words. “But call me a cliche, but the whole experience just kinda changed my perspective I guess.” Once he was done, Josh rested his cheek on his knees and looked anywhere but at Tyler.

Tyler was at a lost for words. “Josh...I had no idea - why didn’t you ever tell me?” he asked, feeling a bit like a hypocrite. It had taken him a while to give his shit to Josh too.

Josh shrugged his shoulders. “Sorta figured it wasn’t important - which, I don’t really think it is. I don’t really like it when people find out, they kinda treat me different. Like I’m some kind of hero for surviving.”

“Well, it's not exactly an easy thing to survive,” Tyler remarked, trying to choose his words carefully. “I mean, I would have never guessed babe - it's really incredible.”

Pink tinted Josh’s pale cheeks and he offered a small smile. “Thank you,” he relied, quietly.

“So is that why you have Ruby?” Tyler asked, the pieces slowly fitting together in his head.

“Uh, yeah, kinda,” Josh said, making a “so-so” gesture with his hands. “I got her after the fact. Like, obviously I wasn't exactly as spry and strong as ever after everything so I just kinda needed the support - both physically and emotionally I guess.”

Tyler sighed as he took Josh’s cool hands into his. “I wish you would have just told me,” he admitted, “would've saved me a lot of worrying.”

Guilt shined like a light through Josh’s eyes. “I'm sorry, it's just not something I like talking about.”

“Oh no, don't apologize - I get it, I do,” Tyler tried to quickly assure. “I just want you to know that you can trust me with anything - I'm always here.”

Josh smiled and leaned forward, cupping Tyler’s jaw with his fragile fingers. His thumb traced over Tyler’s lips before he pressed his against them. Their lips barely touched before Josh pulled away.

“I love you,” Josh breathed out, hands roaming through Tyler’s unkempt hair, making it messier than it already was.

“I love you too,” Tyler hummed, his hands grazing over Josh’s leg. He took part of the blanket off his shoulder and wrapped it around Josh, pulling him closer to him.

Josh smiled softly as he turned his attention from Tyler back to the sky. “Wasn't I right though? Sunrise is always prettier in March.”

“How do you know the difference between March’s sunrises and all the other sunrises?” Tyler asked, genuinely curious, a light smile playing on his lips.

Josh chewed on the inside of his cheek and swallowed thickly. “So, uh, the hospital room I stayed in had this giant window and I always had to get up at about sunrise to start treatment and stuff...so I basically just got to watch it pretty much everyday for a year.”

“March was instantly my favorite...it's more golden than the others. The others were always gray - whether there was rain or shine - it was just...gray. March was never gray,” Josh finished, a distant look in his eyes before he looked over at Tyler. His cheeks grew red once more and he ducked his head. “Sorry for rambling.”

“No, no, it’s fine - I like listening to you talk,” Tyler replied, making Josh’s cheeks darker. He pressed his nose against Josh’s neck, leaving a ghost of a small kiss on the cool skin. “Thank you for bringing me up here.”

Josh smiled. “Of course.”

“How about we go over to Patrick’s shop and get coffee?” Tyler suggested, softly, noticing the way Josh’s eyes were fluttering. Josh nodded and the two stood up, Tyler keeping the blanket wrapped around Josh’s shoulders. He took his hand and the two walked down the staircase.

They remained in comfortable silence the whole walk there, words spoken through small squeezes of hands and occasional glances of smiles. The chime of a bell broke through their silence as they entered the coffee shop and was greeted by the smile of familiar green eyes.

“Hey Josh, hey Tyler,” Patrick greeted, “the usual?”

Tyler nodded and offered a smile back as he handed some money to Patrick. “Yes please, thank you.”

“So Tyler, are you still good to perform on Friday?” Patrick asked as he began pouring espresso shots into coffee cups.

“Uh yeah totally,” Tyler replied, letting Josh rest his head on his shoulders. He placed his arm on Josh’s shoulder and ran his fingers through his hair.

“You gonna do something original?” Josh asked, a stifled yawn mumbling his words.

“Hmm, maybe, you'll just have to wait and see,” Tyler teased, earning an eyeroll and a sleepy smile from Josh.

Once Patrick was done with their drinks, the two gave Patrick a goodbye and left the shop with coffee cups and each other’s fingers in hand. Silence captured them once more and they wandered mindlessly down the street.

“Hey Ty?” Josh asked, breaking the quiet that sat between them.

“Yeah?” Tyler hummed, taking a sip of his coffee as he looked over at Josh.

“What do you think would have happened if we never met?” Josh asked, biting down on his bottom lip. “Where do you think you'd be right now.”

Tyler thought for a moment. “Probably six feet in the ground,” he stated, his voice hollowed out. “I mean - not to sound like a depressing fuck and all, but I think it's true.”

“You helped me find purpose and a reason to live, Josh - how to do more than just exist. Without you, I think I'd be dead,” Tyler finished, swallowing thickly.

Josh smiled sadly. “Me too, Tyler,” he replied, his words coming out slowly and a little slurred.

Tyler’s brows scrunched together as he looked at Josh, confusion flooding his chest. Before he had a chance to question what he meant, he watched as Josh’s eyes fluttered closed and he collapsed to the ground.

 

 

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no cliffhangers, I promise x

Tyler hated hospitals.

Hospitals were only filled with the smell of bleach, bad news, and memories better left forgotten. A hospital is where his grandpa died when he was nine years old and he was understood what it meant to lose something. It’s where Brendon and his brother dragged him to when they found him slumped over unconscious in a bathtub and he was forced to violently throw up. It was where he saw Brendon’s cold body laying on metal tray and he was asked to identify him when his parents refused to.

It was where he was told Josh was dying.

When the ambulance had arrived at the hospital, he was immediately pushed away from Josh and to the waiting room. Things passed by in slow motion and Tyler didn’t even have time to react when a nurse told him Josh was in critical condition and they needed him out of the way. Tyler couldn’t reply, invisible hands around his throat preventing him from saying a word.

So he was stuck waiting in an uncomfortable chair, knees pulled up to his chest with his hand resting on top. He wrung his fingers as they shook, desperate to just do something with his hands. Waves of helplessness came in like a hurricane over him, covering him till he was practically drowning.

He stared straight at the hospital wall that sat in front of him - staring until his eyes burned with bright white and lines of bleach from God knows what. Tyler could feel his heart thunder rapidly as black dots occasionally danced across his vision. Sitting in the hospital waiting room felt too familiar and too foreign.

His gaze turned to the screen of his phone, lighting up with a message from Jenna, letting him know she and Debby were on their way to the hospital. He tried to reply, but his shook too much, causing the phone to fall from his hands.

Tyler’s chest burned with frustration and guilt. He wanted to know what was wrong - he wanted to know why he didn’t know and he wanted to know what he could do to help. But he also knew this was his fault - he knew that he should have known better.

Groaning quietly under his breath, Tyler scrubbed the palm of his hand across his face and leaned his head back against the wall. He forced himself to take slow breaths, counting to ten inwardly. He squeezed his eyes shut, only to be met with the image of Josh on the ground, paler than he’s ever seen.

A gasp of breath interrupted him at seven and he was back to sporadic breaths, making his chest ache with every intake of air. He tucked his head between his knees, staring at the tile floors until every line and crack was imbedded into his vision.

He pulled at the strands of his hair, his scalp burning at his pulled tighter, tighter, and tighter. Hair fell from the spaces between his fingers when he moved his hand from his head, the sight forcing him to tuck his hands hoodie pockets. Still needing something to do, he began pulling off the skin around his fingernails - the self inflicted pain bringing him a known comfort he had forgotten.

It wasn’t long before he felt the familiar touch of a gentle hand on his shoulder, forcing him to look up. Concerned laced blue eyes stared down at him before kneeling in front of him so there eyes were on the same level.

A water bottle was placed in his hands. “Drink this,” Jenna demanded, her tone even and calm. Tyler wanted to argue, tell her that he wasn’t the one she needed to be concerned for. Tell her that he’d be fine and that she should be thinking about Josh - not him.

But he was too exhausted to argue, so he uncapped the bottle of water and let the cool liquid run down his throat. He continued to chug down the water, his body reminding him he hadn’t drank any water that day. He sucked in a breath of air as he moved the tip of the bottle away from his lips.

Jenna smiled softly and sat down next to Tyler, taking his hand gingerly and giving him an assuring squeeze. Debby remained standing, making small steps as she paced back and forth in front of Tyler, chewing on her nails as she stared off.

“What the hell happened?” Debby asked, speaking in almost a whisper. Her words were sharp, a direct knife that was pointed at Tyler’s throat.

Tyler choked on his words, hands flailing about as he tried to speak. “I-I don’t know, we were just talking and he just passed out - I don’t know what happened. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.”

Tyler struggled for air once more and his hands instinctively went to his throat because something just had to be choking him. The sob he had been holding back pushed through his throat violently and oh God, he can’t breathe he can’t breathe he can’t breathe.

“Tyler, it’s okay. You’re fine, Tyler. Just breathe, okay?” Jenna’s words echoed next to his ear, but they sounded as if she was speaking under water.

Her hand reached out to him once more and he immediately flinched away from her touch. He wrapped his arms around his head and dug his forehead into his knees, his eyes peeled shut as he tried to focus on breathing.

“I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t,” Tyler began to chant, cries watering down his words and racking his shoulders. His voice broke as he tried to breathe, only making him more frustrated when he still felt no air in his lungs.

Jenna continued to try and calm him down, speaking comforting words quietly and softly. Slowly calming down, Jenna was finally able to touch him and she rubbed soothing circles into his shoulders. Once his breathing evened out, he wiped his cheeks and looked up at Debby.

“Did you know?” he asked, his words broken and raspy. “Did you know something was wrong with Josh? You’re his best friend, you should know, right?”

Tyler ignored the hurt that flashed in her eyes. “No, I had no clue,” she replied, dryly, her expression betraying her tone.

The three remain in silence after that, an unspoken tension settling between Tyler and Debby, forcing Jenna into the middle of it. Tyler kept himself curled up into a quiet ball, an occasional sob escaping his lips unwillingly when his overthinking got the best of him.

The silence was eventually broken by the sound of footsteps echoing from the hallway. “Tyler Joseph?” an unknown voice called, making Tyler look up once again.

“Yeah?” he replied to the nurse that stood in front of him, her neutral expression making him uncomfortable. She gestured for him to follow her, so he stood up and began walking behind her down the hallway. He ignored the venomous glare Debby sent his way as he left the waiting room behind him.

When they made it to the room Josh was staying in, the nurse opened the door wordlessly and left the two alone. Tyler stood awkwardly at the doorway, warm eyes staring at him sleepily and softly.

“You can sit down ya know,” Josh said, voice raspy. He gestured towards the plastic chair the stood next the hospital bed. Tyler shuffled over to the chair and sat down, fidgeting uncomfortable - unsure of what to do with himself.

He couldn’t bring himself to look Josh. The pale skin and the too many tubes sticking out of it too foreign for him. His eyes didn’t sparkle like the sun and the bags under them were too prominent and everything about the boy before him screamed anything but what he knew as Josh.

“You okay?” Josh asked, brows furrowing together, fingers absentmindedly played with the hem of his hospital gown.

A small laugh laced with bitterness escaped Tyler’s lips. “Of course - you faint and end up in the hospital and you end asking me if I’m okay.”

Josh’s eyes widened slightly before his gaze turned to his lap, avoiding Tyler’s stare. Tyler’s hands gripped tight on the armrests of the chair, words struggling to form on his tongue.

“Can you - can you please explain to me what's going on? Please? I can't stand this bullshit anymore, I just want to know what’s wrong,” Tyler pleaded, his eyes not able to look away from the IV that was connected to a blood bag.

Josh swallowed hard and ran a trembling hand through his hair. “I-I don't even know where to begin.”

Tyler sighed. “Please, Josh, just tell me the truth. Tell me everything - I think I deserve to know the truth.”

Josh gave him a desperate stare. “I was going to tell you - I was gonna tell you. I just, I wanted to tell you about the leukemia first ya know? See how you’d react, so then I could tell you the whole story.”

“Just tell me,” Tyler begged, exhausted. He was just so tired.

“Do you know what anemia is?” Josh asked, tone shifting suddenly. Tyler shook his head and Josh sighed. “Basically it's where your body doesn't produce enough healthy blood cells - it can be caused by leukemia.”

“Oh,” Tyler replied, dumbly, already seeing the crash before it happens.

“I have what's called ‘severe aplastic anemia’ - it's kinda the worst of them all I guess. It's the only that's not as easily treatable,” Josh continued to explain, hands wringing nervously as he spoke. “It comes with a whole batch of fun symptoms too - fatigue, dizziness, excessive bleeding, fast heartbeat, pale skin, shortness of breath...cold skin.”

Tyler chew on his lip as he listened to Josh, all the pieces coming together in his mind. It was like a million different puzzle pieces coming together, creating a picture he didn't want to see.

“I was diagnosed with it when I was about twenty-three I think,” Josh stated, chewing on his nails. “After surviving leukemia, I just thought I was just a little weak for a long time. Turns out it was...something else I guess.”

“Been doing treatment since then, but as you can probably tell, it hasn't been going great.” Josh let out a shaky breath as terrified eyes looked over at Tyler. “I'm sorry I never told you - I’m sorry.”

Tyler swallowed thickly as he watched Josh’s eyes grow glossy, cheeks becoming wet. “It's...it's okay, Josh. Please don't apologize, it's okay.”

“No! It's not!” Josh snapped, startling Tyler with the sudden shift in tone. He sighed and ran a tired hand over his face. “Don't...don't do that. Don't feel the need to let pity subdue your anger. Get mad - yell at me, tell me you didn't deserve to be lied to - please, I deserve for you to be mad at me.”

“Josh, I'm not mad,” Tyler said, forcing a calm voice.

Josh scoffed, a few stray tears slipping down his face. “Don't lie to me,” he spat, his words making Tyler flinch. Tyler noticed the sudden upbeat on the heart monitor and the cloud of fog that took over Josh’s gaze, the tremor in his hand more prominent.

“Josh, please, calm down. You're gonna hurt yourself,” Tyler said, reaching out and laying a gentle hand on Josh’s arm.

Josh sighed as he laid back in the hospital bed, shutting his eyes for a moment. “This is why I didn't want to tell you - why I didn't want to tell anyone,” Josh said, speaking in a whisper. “Didn't want you to look at me..differently. Didn't want you to look at me with pity, constantly wondering when I was suddenly gonna drop. I already get it from my family and doctors, I didn't need it from anyone else - especially not from you.”

“You should have told me,” Tyler said, previous words echoing back through his lips. “Josh, I love you, no matter what. This doesn't change anything.”

Josh bit down on his lips and inhaled shakily. “I'm sorry.”

Tyler offered a small smile and leaned across the hospital bed. He pressed a gentle kiss onto Josh’s chapped lips and laid fragile fingers on his wet cheeks.

“It's okay - you're okay,” Tyler assured, “we’re gonna be okay.”

A vague tension continued to sit between the two of them as they carried on in conversation, both avoiding the obvious topic at hand. Josh told him about work, joking about how he probably won't be able to go in tomorrow. Tyler laughed, his chest aching.

Soon enough a doctor came in and interrupted the blissful ignorant bubble they created in that moment. Tyler began to zone out when words fell from the doctor’s lips, speaking in terms that seemed to only make sense to Josh, who nodded understandingly. Only one sentence seemed to make it through Tyler’s skull, the words shattering the bubble completely.

“Four months?” Tyler choked out, interrupting whatever the doctor was telling Josh.

The doctor offered the two a pitiful look that made Tyler want to punch him. “It seems that way, yes. We’ve been doing the same treatment for the last year and nothing is working and now his condition is worsening. I give him four months at the least.”

A year? They've been doing treatment for a year? How did he not know?

“Don't speak about me as if I'm not here,” Josh snapped, pain soaking his voice. “I'm not dead yet, I deserve to be spoken to.”

Tyler stared at Josh in disbelief, not used to seeing him like this. It made him uncomfortable, causing an unsettling feeling to wash over him. He zoned out once more as the doctor gave a few last words to Josh, coming back to reality when the doctor left the room.

Josh ran his tongue over his bottom lip as he looked over at Tyler, attempting a smile for the younger boy. “So, four months huh?”

Tyler’s eyes widened at the yellow haired boy. “How are you so okay with this?”

Josh’s smile became edged with a sadness. “I made my peace with dying the first time around,” he explained, “I'm not scared of dying - I've only ever been scared of not living.”

Josh sighed as his gaze moved across Tyler’s figure. “Can I tell you something?” Josh asked, nerves edging through his words.

“Of course,” Tyler replied, worry filling the pit of his stomach.

“Remember the first night we met? Ya know, the actual night we met - on the rooftop,” Josh began, fingers tracing over the metal bars of the hospital bed.

“Yeah, I remember,” Tyler answered, their words betraying the promise they made to forget about it. They both knew from the start they could never forget about it.

“Wanna know why I was up there that night?” Josh asked, speaking lowly, as if sharing a secret. Tyler nodded and Josh took a breath before continuing.

“I was planning on jumping off the edge,” Josh said, seeming far away as he spoke. “I had come here that day and that was when they told me the treatment wasn't working. I was told I was most likely not gonna survive, so I figured - what was the point in sticking around thing? Why wait for the end to meet me when I could just meet it - and it'd be my choice. It wouldn't be because my body decided to no longer go on - it'd be because I chose to. And I wanted that choice so badly.”

“But then I saw you…” A smile overtook Josh’s face as he spoke, eyes distant. “You were sitting on the edge and I was terrified. I was terrified because I thought you were thinking the same thing as me. And I couldn't let you do it - I didn't even know you, but I knew you had a reason to stay.”

“I still don't know why you were on the roof that night,” Josh admitted, “don't know if it's why I think you were or if you really were there just to look at the stars.”

“What I do know is that I'm alive because you were on that rooftop,” Josh said, smiling softly. “And I have lived more in these few months I've known you than I ever had, and I know we’re gonna make the most of these last few ones, yeah?”

Tyler nodded, the smile on his lips betraying the hurricane of dread and guilt that pooled in his stomach. As much as it hurt, he had to do it for Josh. And so he was going to give him the most life he could for as long as he still had him.

And it'll be enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be finished and posted back on tuesday but unfortunately something came up and I had to prioritize it over this - super sorry about the wait guys !!  
> also this isn't the last chapter, there's still a few left xx

If Tyler thought Josh’s hands were cold before, nothing compared to the iciness of his fingers now.  Though Tyler never shied away from the coolness of his skin.  He’d always intertwined their hands together, letting the warmth from his bones encompass the lack of in Josh’s. He’d lay gentle arms around Josh’s shaking shoulders, wrapping tightly until he stopped shivering. 

 

Limbs and hands tangled and intertwined, they laid in the cramped hospital bed together.  It definitely wasn’t the most comfortable situation - Tyler was hot all over from the two blankets that covered Josh and his bony hips dug into Tyler’s thigh.  Tyler didn’t mind though.  With Josh so close, he could feel his heartbeat through his chest to his hands - the feeling bringing a sense of calm to Tyler.

 

It was late into the night, the sun had already gone down and the moon was breathing up in the night sky.  Dark clouds covered the light of the stars and moon, rain pouring down and leaving trails on the window of the hospital room.  Josh had insisted on staying up - wanting to be awake to see his family when their flight came in.  Tyler had told him that his family would probably just want him to get rest, but the other boy refused. But Tyler gave him knowing looks when the warm eyed boy tried to stifle his yawns, hiding his mouth under the covers.

 

“So how did Debby take the news?” Tyler asked, the silence between the two making him uneasy.  The lack of words gave Tyler’s mind too much space to wander off, usually finding itself in places he’d rather not go.

 

Josh sighed as he recounted the events of that morning.  Tyler had left Josh alone with Debby, staying with Jenna as the two friends talked.  Debby had left the hospital room stone faced and Josh had refused to talk about it earlier.  

 

“Not well, to say the least,” Josh replied, laughing bitterly.  “She’s mad at me - mad I never told her, mad that I went out of my way to hide it from her - she’s mad about other things too, which ya know, I deserve - it just  _ sucks _ .”

 

Tyler furrowed his eyebrows together.  “What else could she possibly be mad about?” he asked, his chest burning with frustration.  The last thing Josh needed right now was having his best friend be pissed at him. 

 

Josh huffed out a resented breath and combed his fingers through his hair.  “It's nothing - please don't worry about it,” Josh tried to reassure, chewing on the chapped skin of his lips. 

 

Tyler raised his eyebrows. “If there's one thing I've learned is that when you tell me ‘it’s nothing’ and ‘don't worry’ - it's definitely something and I should worry,” he retorted, a slight bitterness slipping into his voice. 

 

Josh bit down harder on his lip, causing the skin to break and bleed. “Please, don’t do that ,” he said, speaking softly, barely audible.  “I promise it's nothing, she's just being ridiculous right now.” 

 

Tyler sighed, but relented.  He settled back down into the uncomfortable bed and let his fingers roam through Josh’s hair.  They both ignored it when yellow strands began to frantically fall from his head. 

 

Not before long, there was a soft knock at the door.  When Josh said to come in, people - who Tyler only recognized through photographs Josh showed him- began to pile into the hospital room. 

 

“Hey guys,” Josh greeted, softly, a fond smile on his face. He untangled himself from Tyler’s embrace and sat up.  

 

His mother rushed over to him and took Josh into her arms, hugging him tightly.  She let out a shaky breath and ran trembling fingers through his hair.  Once she let go, his father and siblings made a line down to hug him, all giving soft greeting and small ‘I love you’s.  

 

“How are you feeling?” his mom asked, fretting over Josh. She pushed his hair back and laid her palm on his cheek, feeling the coolness of his skin. 

 

“M’fine, just a little tired,” Josh replied, smacking his lips sleepily as his eyes began to flutter slightly. 

 

“You should get some rest,” Josh’s younger sister - Ashley, Tyler thinks - commented, offering Josh a small smile. 

 

“He was refusing to go to sleep till you guys got here,” Tyler added, earning him a glare and a kick to the ankle from Josh. 

 

Ashley rolled her eyes. “We’ll be back in the morning, you need to get some rest,” she told him, firmly, but still soft. 

 

“Hmm, alright,” Josh hummed, looking more tired by the second. 

 

Josh’s mom quickly ran over details of where they were staying with Josh, telling him to call her if he needed anything.  She continued to fret over him, making 100% he was okay before they left. Once done, she and the rest of the family bid the two goodbye - leaving as fast as they came in. 

 

“They seem nice,” Tyler stated, once they were all out of the room. 

 

Josh nodded. “Yeah, they're the best,” he agreed, yawning in between words. 

 

Tyler smiled softly and pressed a gentle kiss onto Josh’s temple, brushing hair away from his face.  “Get some sleep babe,” he said, beginning to crawl out of the bed. 

 

Josh whined as he grabbed Tyler’s wrist, refusing to let Tyler leave the bed. Tyler scrunched his brows together as he looked over at Josh’s pleading face. 

 

“Stay, please?” Josh asked, pulling Tyler closer to him. 

 

Tyler nodded wordlessly and the two settled once more next to each other.  Tyler wrapped his arms around Josh’s torso and Josh buried his head into Tyler’s chest, his hair tickling Tyler’s chin.  They shared a chaste kiss before laying themselves down against each other. 

 

It wasn't long before Josh was sound asleep, soft snores escaping his lips.  Tyler let a small smile slip onto his lips, appreciating the relaxed expression. on Josh’s sleeping face.  Soon enough, Tyler’s own eyes began to flutter and he joined Josh into blissful oblivion. 

  
  
  
  


Tyler woke up to an empty hospital bed that next morning.  The sensation of not having Josh’s cool skin pressed against him was odd - somehow made him feel colder.  Tired and confused, his hand searched for Josh’s skin - only to find nothing but empty sheets. 

 

Groggily, Tyler climbed out of the bed and left the hospital room. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he travelled down the hospital corridor.  He shivered as his bare feet hit the cool tiled floors. 

 

The worry that was beginning to build in the pit of his stomach dissipated when he saw a familiar head of yellow hair. 

 

Tyler quickly rushed over to Josh, who was gripping onto the railings on the hospital walls, walking down the hallway slowly.  Tyler grabbed his arm, trying to give him support to stay standing. 

 

“What the hell are you doing?” Tyler asked, a little harshly, fear rising in his throat and forcing his words out. 

 

Josh seemed unfazed by Tyler’s tone, a bright smile shining on his face.  “Ty! I gotta show you something-” 

 

“Where were you?” Tyler asked, cutting Josh’s words off.  “You can’t just walk off without telling someone - something could've happened for all I knew.” 

 

Josh sighed. “I went to the hospital Chapel,” he answered, keeping his voice calm and even. “To ya know, like pray and stuff.” 

 

Tyler blinked, taken back for a moment by his reply. He had never really considered Josh to be very religious.  “Oh,” he replied, dumbly. “Still should've let me know.” 

 

Josh let out a heavy breath and wrung his fingers. “Yeah, I know - I'm sorry, okay?” he replied, pinching the bridge of his nose before shifting back to his excited mood.  “But I need to show you something.” 

 

Tyler furrowed his brow.  “What is it?” he asked, giving Josh an odd look. 

 

Josh just smiled wordlessly, slowing dragging Tyler back down the hall.  He lead him back down to where the Chapel was, opening the door and ushering Tyler into the room. 

 

Fortunately it was empty, leaving the two alone in the stained glass room.  The room was relatively small, filled with a few pews - a majority of the space being taken up by a decent sized altar.  Josh moved them past all of it, leading Tyler over to the corner of the room where a small piano sat.

 

Tyler gave Josh another odd look as the other boy continued to keep the same excited smile on his lips.  Tyler continued to stare at him dumbly as Josh remained quiet.  “It’s a piano,” Tyler stated, slowly.

 

“I’ve never heard you play it before,” Josh explained, fingers tracing over the grain of the wooden frame of the piano.  He offered Tyler a sad smile.  “I don’t wanna die without hearing you play.” 

 

Tyler swallowed thickly, forcing a smile back at Josh.  He sat down on the creaky bench in front of the smile, splaying his fingers out on the keys.  He looked back up at Josh.  “What do you want me to play?” Tyler asked, voice strained front the lump in his throat. 

 

Josh sat down next to him on the bench, a sly smile on his face.  “Well, a little birdy told me you wrote a song about me last night,” he replied, sheepishly. 

 

Tyler sighed and shook his head.  “Jenna was always shit at keeping secrets,” Tyler replied, making Josh giggle.  He ran a hand over his face before laying it back down on the piano.  “So, yeah, I did write you something, but it’s not exactly done - I haven’t figured it all out yet.” 

 

Josh continued to smile.  “Don’t care, I still wanna hear it.” 

 

Tyler huffed, letting out a breathy laugh.  “Alright, if you insist,” he said, fingers readying themselves to play unsurely. 

 

Tyler began playing a simple melody in his left hand, his fingers traveling up the inverse scale of G.  His right hand played simple chords, creating a simple intro.  It was nothing extravagant, but Josh was already grinning from ear to ear. 

 

“ _ Now the night is coming to an end _

_ The sun will rise and we will try again.” _

 

He sang the lyrics quietly, only loud enough for Josh to hear.  After each line of lyrics, he sang out a string of “ohs” along with the melody in the right hand.

 

“ _ Stay alive, stay alive for me _

_ You will die, but now your life is free _

_ Take pride in what is sure to die.”  _

 

He sang the last line slowly, stopping the melody on the piano and simply playing chords with the words.  He inhaled a shaky breath before moving onto the next verse. 

 

“ _ I will fear the night again _

_ I hope I’m not my only friend.”  _

 

Singing out the last line of the verse, Tyler’s voice cracked, his throat beginning to feel closed up.  He swallowed the feeling and continued on with the song, trying not to look at Josh as he sang the chorus once more.

 

“ _ Stay alive, stay alive for me _

_ You will die, but now your life is free _

_ Take pride in what is sure to die.” _

 

His hands repeated the same melody on the piano, wordlessly.  He finished the song and his fingers remained on the piano.  He watched as tears slipped down his cheek and landed on the ivory keys of the piano.  The room had become silent the only sound being the two’s breaths mixing together. 

 

Josh didn’t say a word, simply laid his head down on Tyler’s shoulder, taking his hand into his cold ones.  He squeezed Tyler’s hand tightly and pressed a childlike kiss onto Tyler’s shoulder.  No words were shared between the two, and no words were needed.  What had already been said had been enough for the two. 

 

“I’ll keep trying,” Josh whispered, eventually breaking the perfect silence between the two after God knows how long.  “I’ll stay alive for as long as I can, I promise.” 

 

Tyler gave a watery smile and kissed the top of Josh’s hair.  “That’s all I ask for.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> definitely one of my favorite chapters, so hopefully it was worth the wait xx

Tyler would be kidding himself if he tried to convince himself that Josh was getting better.  It had only been a month and Tyler wasn’t sure if he should be counting on three more.  

 

There were the obvious things.  The slower steps, the paler skin, the tired eyes, and every little gasp for air that sent chills down Tyler’s spine.  There were the looks of pity that every nurse and doctor sent their way.  There were the two a.m panic attacks Tyler needed to soothe because Josh thought he couldn’t breathe.  The nights where Josh was wide awake sobbing from the heavy pain in his chest. 

 

Josh was sick, and the universe seemed to be doing it’s best to remind Tyler of that fact every second of every day.

 

Then there were the not-so obvious things - the things only Tyler knew.  There was the blotchy cheeks and ragged breaths after most trips to the bathroom.  There was the forced laughs and smiles whenever his family or Debby came by - putting on a brave face, trying to prove that he was fine and not in pain.  There were the days where Josh’s mood was on the edge and he’d snap at Tyler until he would finally leave him be.  The days where he wanted to be alone, staying curled up in his hospital bed with only Ruby to keep him company.  The days where Josh absentmindedly offered his belongings away, cracking jokes that he wouldn't need them where he was going. 

 

Despite all this, it didn't matter to Josh.  Because Josh liked to play pretend - act as if nothing was different.  He brushed off every moment that proved he was sick - always returning to some fantasy where he wasn’t in any shape he could.  Tyler tried to play along, but it was so  _ hard.   _ And Tyler was exhausted from all this acting. 

 

“It’s not raining today,” Josh hummed, looking out the window of the hospital room.  His fingers traced absentminded shapes onto Tyler’s thigh as the other boy looked out the window as well.  For the first time during all of April, the glass wasn’t dripping with raindrops with a gray dusk backdrop of storm clouds. 

 

Tyler peered back over, recognizing the look on Josh’s face.  “Hmm yeah, you wanna go out to the garden?” Tyler asked, brushing a strand of hair away from Josh’s forehead.  A smile quipped at the corners of Josh’s lips as he leaned into Tyler’s touch. 

 

Josh nodded wordlessly, gaze still peeled to the window, eyes seeming to be studying the windowpane.  Tyler slowly detached himself from Josh’s side and stood from the hospital bed. 

 

“I'm gonna go get the nurse real quick, okay?  I'll be right back,” Tyler said, earning another silent nod from Josh before exiting the room. 

 

Tyler travelled down the hallway, finding one of the nurses and asking for a wheelchair. The two came back to the room and helped Josh out of bed, the nurse making sure he was properly settled into the chair.  Tyler tied Ruby’s leash to the arm of the wheelchair and she stuck closely to Josh’s side.  Once they were given the okay, Tyler began wheeling Josh out the hospital room and down the hall.

 

Josh remained silent the entire walk out to the garden, his eyes focused on what was in front of him, his hand keeping still on Ruby’s back.  Tyler figured it was the fatigue, perhaps he was just too tired to speak.

 

Walking into the garden, the sun shined brightly onto their faces.  A cool breeze swept over their skin, twisting together with the warmth of the sunshine.  Josh leaned his head back, a small smile spreading over his lips as he hummed contently.  Tyler’s chest grew warm as he watched Josh’s eyes twinkle in a familiar way that seemed foreign lately.

 

To Tyler’s surprise, there wasn't many people roaming the garden that day.  The pathways of the garden was mostly empty of any people, give a take a few elderly patients and some kids with their parents. It was quiet and peaceful, which was exactly what the two needed. 

 

Tyler continued to walk down the poppy lined pavement, making their way  to the spot in the corner of the garden they had marked their own.  The corner was clear of any trees that seemed to cover every other spot in the garden.  The only thing that was found in the corner was a couple of benches and sections of different bushes of flowers. The two had found it the last time they had come out to the garden - it was the middle of the night and Josh wanted to look at the stars.  The garden corner offered the perfect, clear view of the night sky. 

 

Pushing Josh over to a bench, Tyler sat down next to him and the two immediately interlocked their fingers together.  Tyler ran his thumb over Josh’s knuckles, feeling the protruding bones through his pale skin. Ruby laid down in the grass at Josh’s feet, soft snores already escaping from her mouth.  

 

Worry began to creep into Tyler’s chest as Josh still remained completely silent, eyes never moving from a directed spot in the middle of nowhere.  Typically Josh always had something to say, a desperate need to fill every crevice of silence with words that never held any meaning to them.  Though Tyler never really cared what he talked about, he just wanted to listen to Josh talk forever.  

 

Tyler decided not to bring it up, knowing that sometimes he just needs to leave Josh and his thoughts alone.  Josh had always been a reserved person anyway, though their time at the hospital seemed to have amplified it.  Josh just preferred to deal with his inner turmoil on his own. And as much as Tyler hated it and wished he didn't, there wasn't much he could do about it. 

 

Though Tyler wanted to ignore it, red flags shot up in his nervous system when he began to hear ragged breaths coming from Josh’s lips.  Tyler’s body jerked into action - ready for whatever the problem was this time around. 

 

Tyler immediately turned to Josh, inspecting his face as Josh continued to heave heavy breaths silently. “Josh? What's wrong?  Can you breathe babe?” Tyler asked, trying not to overwhelm Josh with a thousand questions.  Josh nodded, giving a slight wave of his hand, trying to brush Tyler off. 

 

“Babe, don't tell me you're okay when you can't breathe,” Tyler retorted as Josh continued to pant for air. 

 

Josh let out another harsh breath.  “I can breathe, I'm just fucking crying okay?” Josh bit back, words sharp like a knife. 

 

Tyler blinked, taken back by Josh’s hard tone. He quickly brushed it off and forced himself to relax.  He slowly moved his hand towards Josh’s face, cupping his cheek when he didn't flinch away from the touch. He wiped away the wetness around his eyes and traced soothing circles on his temple. 

 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Tyler asked, trying to keep a level tone.  He felt his chest ache as Josh let out a broken sob. 

 

Josh shook his head vigorously. “No - I can't -  _ you’ll hate me _ ,” Josh replied, barely audible as he pushed all his breath out before he could finish his sentence, voice broken.  

 

Tyler curled his fist and bit down on his lip.  “I could never hate you, Jishwa,” Tyler told him, hoping the nickname would make him smile - it didn't. 

 

“You should,” Josh said, curling his lips under his teeth as his face was taken over by a bitter expression. 

 

“Please, Josh, just tell me what's wrong,” Tyler begged, taking Josh’s hand and pressing a gentle kiss onto his knuckles. 

 

Josh sighed shakily.  “I'm so... _ tired,”  _ Josh stated, simply, sounding exhausted.  “I just want it all to be over already.” 

 

Tyler knitted his eyebrows together as he stared at Josh.  “What do you mean?” he asked, scared to hear the answer.  Part of him knew what he meant -  _ he knew too well what he meant -  _ and the other part of him wanted desperately to feign ignorance. 

 

Josh turned away from Tyler, not able to look him in the eyes.  “If I’m gonna die, I just want to die already,” he sighed, speaking lowly.  “I hate this just sitting around and being so  _ fucking  _ miserable.  I hate waking up in awful pain and wondering if it’s finally over.  I hate watching my family mourn while I’m still fucking here.  I hate seeing how exhausted you are -  _ because of me.   _ I hate it, I hate it,  _ I hate it.”  _

 

Tyler choked on his words, struggling to figure out what to say - how to reply.  He definitely didn’t hate Josh - but  _ fuck  _ he was angry.  He didn’t want to be, but Tyler just didn’t understand - how could Josh be so selfish?  How could he not be grateful for the time he’s been given?  How could he want it to be over already?  Was Tyler and everyone else not enough of a reason to stick around?

 

Tyler quickly swallowed his angry and insecure words, knowing that they wouldn’t help the situation.  “Josh...I…,” Tyler replied, dumbly, still searching for the right words.  “I’m sorry - I’m so sorry.  I wish there was something I could do to make it better, but I don’t know how to make this better.” 

 

“No, please don’t apologize - it’s not your fault, and it’s not...your responsibility to fix this,” Josh said, wringing his hands together nervously as he spoke.  “Please, never apologize for my mess.” 

 

Tyler shook his head.  “Josh, this isn’t just your mess,” he argued, “I’m here for you, and I’m here to help you get through this.  You don’t...have to keep to keep all of this inside.  This is our mess, and I’m gonna help you clean it up.” 

 

Josh let out a small laugh.  “Remember when  _ I   _ was the one that told cheesy bullshit like that to  _ you _ ?” Josh mused, his words bittersweet. 

 

Tyler let himself smile.  “Exactly - I’m gonna be here for you like you were there for me,” Tyler assured, giving Josh a quick peck on the cheek, earning a smile from the yellow-haired boy.  

 

After that, Josh went back to his usual chatter.  He began rambling to Tyler about a new album he had listened to,  raving about how amazing it is and insisting that Tyler needed to listen to it because he was a hundred percent sure Tyler would love it.  Tyler smiled and nodded as he listened to Josh speak, his chest warm with the familiar comfort of Josh’s voice. 

 

Unfortunately, their moment together outside was put to a too soon of an end when gray clouds began rolling into the sky.  Josh sighed as he leaned his head back, letting the small drops of water splash against his face.

 

Josh pulled his head back down and turned back to Tyler, lips pouted.  “I guess we should probably head back inside before a nurse comes out to yell at us to get out of the rain.” 

 

Tyler nodded and stood up, walking behind Josh’s wheelchair and prompting Ruby to wake up.  Tyler began pushing Josh out of the garden, the two getting soaked as they walked through the rain.  Josh seemed to love it - keeping his head leaned back and letting every bit of water hit his face. 

 

Getting back inside, Tyler ignored the “subtle” glares from the nurses when they saw the two soaking wet boys.  The two shared a look with each other and giggled like little kids as they rushed down the hallway back to Josh’s hospital room.

 

Closing the door behind him, the entered the room and Tyler leaned against the wall as he tried to catch his breath as the two continued to laugh for no reason.  Josh’s laughter turned to a grimace as he ran his fingers through his hair, feeling the dirty texture of it. 

 

“I should probably get a shower,” Josh murmured, continuing to let his fingers roam through his yellow painted hair.  

 

“Are you gonna need help?” Tyler asked, to which Josh nodded.  “Okay, I’ll go get a nurse.” 

 

“No, don’t,” Josh said, quickly, before Tyler could leave the room.  Tyler shot him an odd look as Josh hesitated, a faint blush reaching his pale cheeks.  “I don’t want a nurse, it’s too awkward.”

 

Josh hesitated again.  “Can you just stay with me?”  Josh asked, pitifully, “I’d rather have you than some nurse I don’t even know.” 

 

Tyler smiled softly and nodded.  “Of course,” he said, walking back over to Josh. 

 

Helping Josh stand up from the wheelchair, Tyler let him leaned against him as they walked together to the bathroom.  Josh took off his hospital gown and Tyler helped ease him into the shower.  Josh sat down on the cool tiled floor of the shower and brought his knees up to bare chest, wrapping his arms around his legs.  Tyler tried not to stare at all the protruding bones and the lack of muscles as he went to turn on the water. 

 

Josh gave Tyler an odd look.  “You’re not gonna join me?” Josh asked, with a bit of a cheeky tone.  

 

“I can if you want,” Tyler smiled, to which Josh nodded.  

 

Tyler quickly peeled off his clothes and tossed them to the corner of the room.  He sat down in front of Josh inside the shower, their knees pressing against one another.  Josh stared at his torso with furrowed eyes as Tyler leaned over to turn on the water.

 

“How’d you get those scars?” Josh asked as Tyler began to get Josh’s hair wet.  

 

Tyler gave a sad smile as he squirted shampoo into Josh’s hair, working it into the dirty mess of yellow curls.  “Bad days,” Tyler answered, simply. 

 

Josh went quiet for a few moments, leaving the bathroom silent as Tyler washed both Josh’s and his hair.  “Are there going to be days like that when I’m gone?” Josh asked, guilt evident in his voice. 

 

Tyler’s chest ached.  “Probably,” he answered, truthfully and quietly.  

 

Josh sucked in a harsh breath as Tyler rinsed his hair.  “Please, promise me you’ll take care of yourself,” Josh said, pleadingly.  “Promise me you won’t take your anger out on yourself - I need to know I don’t have to worry about you.” 

 

Tyler swallowed thickly.  “I promise,” he replied, already tasting the future deceit of his words.  He could feel the soon broken promise in his chest. 

 

Tyler watched as Josh’s shoulders relax at his words and Josh let himself lean against Tyler’s bare chest.  Taking his time, Tyler began to run the bar of soap over Josh’s skin, letting himself feel every bump and dent of it.  Tyler pressed sweet kisses into Josh’s hair, making him relax even more. 

 

“Sing for me,” Josh said, almost begging. 

 

“What do you want me to sing?” Tyler asked, words slightly muffled by Josh’s hair. 

 

Josh shrugged lazily.  “I don’t care, I just wanna hear your voice.”  Tyler thought for a moment, before settling on a song. 

 

“ _ Wise men say only fools rush in  _

_ But I can’t help falling in love with you.”  _

  
  



	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is a little messy, this was very hard for me to write x

The bus ride from the hospital to his apartment was filled an uncomfortable tension that only surrounded Tyler.  A dark cloud of dread and misunderstanding wrapping around his head, slowly suffocating him.  His skin and bones felt foreign - he blinked dramatically every moment he could, trying to rid of the fog that engulfed him.  He tried to focus on anything but his raging thoughts, but he just ended up feeling dizzy.

 

Lights and buildings passed by in a vague blur through the windows of the bus.  Staring out the glass, all Tyler could see was fuzzy lines and shapes.  The unbearable ache in his chest made him want to claw at his skin, ripping himself apart until he reached his lungs.

 

Tyler gripped the metal pole tightly, making his knuckles turn to white.  His squeezed his eyes shut and tried to breathe.  Air refused to meet his lungs and he ended up choking on his own breath.  He ignored the odd stares from the other people on the bus.

 

“Hey, dude, you okay?” some guy across from him asked, giving him a look of concern. 

 

Tyler looked over at the guy, his eyes wide - probably making him looked unhinged.  His mouth struggled for words, only choked noises coming from his throat.  The guy grew obviously uncomfortable and turned away from Tyler, mumbling ‘freak’ under his breath.

 

When the bus finally stopped, Tyler slowly walked off, his movements robotic.  The cold night air felt like a slap in the face as he exited the bus and walked onto the sidewalk.  He stared down at the pavement as he made his way down, his gaze unnecessarily focused on the cracks of the cement.

 

Making his way to the entrance of the apartment building, he mindlessly walked into the lobby of the building.  Turning on autopilot, he found his way to the stairs and began climbing up the steps.  Reaching his floor, his shaking hands grabbed his keys from his pocket and shoved the key into the lock of the door.  

 

Slamming the door behind him, he remained frozen in front of him.  He stared around the small apartment, unsure of what to do.  A migraine pushed at his, causing the room to spin.  He stumbled forward and found himself in the kitchen.

 

He gripped the kitchen sink, staring out the window above it that looked out at all the small buildings that surrounded the apartment complex.  He spotted downtown and he saw every place he only knew with Josh.  His chest ached even more and his stomach lurched.  Staring down at the drain, his stomach lurched once more and he leaned over - emptying his stomach of what little food he had eaten that day.

 

Wiping his mouth, he quickly rinsed the sink out before he collapsed onto the floor, his knees giving out beneath him.  He choked out a sob and he pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs.  More pathetic cries escaped his lips and he banged his head against the cabinet, the migraine slowly driving him mad.

 

His hands clenched as the tension in his chest refused to leave him.  He clawed at the floor, desperate for something.  He crawled over to cabinet and quickly opened it, grabbing whatever bottle he could find that had alcohol in it.  

 

He didn’t bother to read what it was before popping it open, the cap scraping his fingers.  He brought the bottle to his lips and let the burning liquid slid down his throat.  He coughed on the drink before returning it to his lips.

 

It wasn’t long before Tyler could feel the effects of the alcohol.  The ache in his chest dulled and he was able to ignore the agonizing migraine that continued to attack his skull.  In a drunken haze, he stood from the kitchen floor and stumbled out with the liquor bottle still in hand.

 

Within a moment, Tyler somehow found himself in the bathroom.  Dazed from the alcohol, he kneeled down in front of the bathtub.  Without his consent, his free hand turned on the faucet water and watched as it began to fill the tub.  Fully clothed, he crawled into the tub and let the water soak his clothes.  He lazily brought the bottle back to his lips, half of it running down his chin instead of making it into his mouth.

 

Tyler blacked in and out of consciousness, time passing by him like a train.  What little part of Tyler that was still sober felt confusion as he tried to figure out why he was in the tub with a bottle of liquor.  That same part also couldn’t bring himself to care.

 

Tyler knew more time had passed him than he thought when he heard the front door of the apartment open.  He listened as Jenna called his name, but he couldn’t bring himself to reply.  Rushed steps became louder as she approached the bathroom, swinging the door open urgently.

 

“Tyler!  What the hell are you doing?” Jenna screeched, rushing over to the tub and turning off the faucet that Tyler didn’t know was still on.  Water spilled over the edge of the tub, creating puddles around it. 

 

“What does it look like I’m doing?  I’m taking a bath,” Tyler replied, simply, his words slurring together into an almost incomprehensible noise. 

 

Jenna stared down at the bottle in Tyler’s hand and began to shake her head, her face contorting into a desperate expression.  “No...no...I’m not doing this again, Tyler - I can’t deal with your shit again.” 

 

Tyler looked at Jenna and looked back at the bottle.  Before any rational part of him could tell him not to, he took the bottle and smashed it over the edge of the tub.  Jenna gasped loudly as Tyler crushed the glass into his hand.

 

“Tyler!” Jenna screamed, quickly grabbing Tyler’s hand.  “Why would you do that?  What the hell is wrong with you?” 

 

Tyler shrugged his shoulders, giving her no reply.  He focused his gaze on his bleeding hand, the stinging pain bringing him a familiar comfort he hadn’t felt in a long time.

 

Tyler stared at Jenna as she grabbed a towel, pushing the broken glass to the corner of the bathroom.  Once it was all clear, she carefully wrapped her arm around Tyler’s torso and helped him out of the tub.  Tyler shivered violently as the cold air hit his wet skin.  Jenna grabbed another towel and wrapped it around his shoulders. 

 

Jenna sat Tyler down on the seat of the toilet and began digging through the cabinet under the sink.  She pulled out the first aid kit and grabbed a pair of tweezers, beginning to pull of the pieces of glass that was embedded into his palm.

 

“You don’t get to do this, Tyler,” Jenna muttered as she stared at Tyler’s hand.  “You don’t get to do this to me again.  I can’t deal with this right now.  I can’t deal with your grieving when I’m grieving too” 

 

“Then don’t,” Tyler replied, voice quiet.  “Just go away.” 

 

Jenna scoffed and shook her head, wiping her cheeks.  Tyler suddenly noticed the streaks of mascara down her face.  “No, fuck you, Tyler - you don’t get it.” 

 

Tyler ignored her words, staring off at the blank wall of the bathroom.  “It happened again,” Tyler choked out, a small sob racking his shoulders.  “I killed him again -  _ oh god,  _ why does this keep happening?  Why do I always do this?” 

 

“Stop blaming yourself, Tyler,” Jenna said, her teeth gritted as she continued to pull out glass.

 

Tyler shook his head, tears blurring his vision.  “It’s my fault - it’s always my fault, why don’t you get that?”  Tyler voice grew more panicked - more frantic.  “ _ He’s dead - he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead.”  _

 

“Shut up!” Jenna shouted, accidentally tugging at a piece of glass, making it bleed more.  “Stop it!  You’re not the only one who lost someone, Tyler.  I lost him, Debby lost him, his family lost him - so stop acting like the fucking victim, okay?  You’re doing nobody any favors by doing so.” 

 

Tyler grew quiet again as Jenna began cleaning the blood from his palm, whatever she put on his hand burning his skin.  “You should have just let me die back in college - would’ve been better for everyone.”

 

A small sob left Jenna’s lips.  “No...no, you don’t get to say that Tyler.  You don’t get to be that selfish.”  She went quiet for a moment.  “I can’t lose you too, Tyler.”

 

Tyler sniffed as more tears streaked down his cheeks.  “I wish you had just let me die.”

 

 

 

 

 

_ “Would you rather have an elephant trunk or a giraffe neck?” Josh asked, head lolling as he leaned back against the giant stack of pillows behind his back. _

 

_ Tyler snorted.  “It’s kinda sad that kind of question is more subdued than your usual ones,” he commented, slowly applying the white nail polish to Josh’s shaking fingers.  He kept his free hand on Josh’s, gently trying to keep it still. _

 

_ Josh rolled his eyes and gave a slight smile.  “Just answer the question,” he said, a little bit of a childish whine edging his voice.  _

 

_ “Um, I guess giraffe neck,” Tyler answered, “I mean - at least that way I don't have to worry about tall people sitting in front of me at the movies anymore.”  _

 

_ Josh giggled.  “Yeah, I guess that makes sense - there’s  really no redeeming value in having an elephant trunk.”  _

 

_ “You could join a circus,” Tyler suggested, shrugging his shoulders slightly.  More giggles escaped Josh’s lips and the sound brought Tyler to a small smile.  _

 

_ Tyler wordlessly finished the rest of Josh’s hands, quickly cleaning off any messy edges before letting go of his palm.  “Okay, gimme your other hand,” Tyler instructed, gingerly setting the freshly painted hand on Josh’s lap.  _

 

_ Josh gave his other hand to Tyler as he looked down at his now white nails.  “Wow, you're really good at this,” Josh commented, moving his fingers around, admiring Tyler’s work from different angles.  _

 

_ “Thank you,” Tyler murmured, focused on the new hand.  _

 

_ “How’d you learn how to do it?” Josh asked, using the knuckles of his free hand to rest his cheek on, careful as to not smear the nail polish.  _

 

_ Tyler swallowed thickly. “Oh, uh, my younger sister would have paint her nails when she was little and my mom wasn't around - which was, a lot,” Tyler heaved out a breath.   _

 

_ Josh stared at him for a moment. “You don't really talk about your family a lot,” he noted.  _

 

_ Tyler scoffed bitterly. “I think it's a little understandable for why.”  _

 

_ “Well, that's your parents - but like, what about your siblings?” Josh asked, biting down on his bottom lip.  “Are they like your parents or…?”  _

 

_ Tyler shrugged. “I dunno, I'm not sure.”  _

 

_ “Have you tried talking to them?” Josh asked, his continued persistence making Tyler slightly irritated.  _

 

_ Tyler shook his head. “No, I haven't,” he replied, “I don't want to know what they think of me.”  _

 

_ “Have you talked to any of your family since you've moved out to California?” Josh asked, tapping his fingers against his chin.  _

 

_ Tyler hesitated. “Kinda - the last time I talked to my parents was when I was blacked out drunk in college and I kinda ended up telling them about a one night stand I had with a guy and how I thought their beliefs were ‘fucking ridiculous,” he answered, cringing at the memory.  _

 

_ “The next week I got a package with all the stuff I had left at the house and a lovely letter basically stating they were disowning me,” Tyler finished, trying to hold back the bitterness that was trying to seep through his voice.  _

 

_ Josh frowned deeply.  “I...I don't even know what to say, Ty, that's awful,” Josh said, words coming out in struggle. “I'm so sorry.”  _

 

_ Tyler waved him off. “Don't worry about it, it’s in the past and that's where I'd like to keep it.”  _

 

_ Josh furrowed his brows.  “You can talk to me about this kind of stuff, you know that right?” he questioned, his expression soft. _

 

_ Tyler gave a small smile. “Of course - I just don't like to talk about it. It's not exactly fun to remember.”  _

 

_ Josh nodded understandingly and gave no reply, remaining quiet as Tyler continued to paint his nails white.   _

 

_ It was barely a minute before Josh broke his silence. “Can I ask you something, Ty?”  _

 

_ Keeping his focus on Josh’s nails, Tyler nodded. “Yeah, of course - what's up?”  _

 

_ “Why do you let me call you ‘Ty’?” Josh asked, running his teeth over his bottom lip.  _

 

_ Tyler scrunched his eyebrows together and stared at Josh with a confusion riddled expression. “What do you mean?”  _

 

_ “Jenna told me you used to never let anyone call you Ty,” Josh explained, realization dawning onto Tyler. “So...why me?”  _

 

_ Tyler chewed on the inside of his cheek. “Brendon used to call me Ty, it felt wrong to have anyone else call me that.” _

 

_ “Then why do you let me?  I mean, I can stop, if you want,” Josh said, cracking his knuckles nervously.  _

 

_ “No, no - it's fine, I like that you call me that,” Tyler quick assured, to which Josh relaxed at. “I guess it's because you remind me of Brendon, so it's familiar and comfortable.” _

 

_ Josh raised his brows, surprised. “Really? I remind you of him? How?” Josh asked, suddenly excited.  _

 

_ Tyler hesitated, a small chuckle escaping his throat. “You're both...stubborn.  You both will stick to your way till the end of time - even if you know you’re wrong.”  Josh giggled as Tyler continued.  _

 

_ “You both always have something to say - there's nothing in the world you can't talk about. Just full of endless words forever.”  _

 

_ “You both always try to look for the bright side of things, too optimistic for your own good.  Too forgiving and kind, you’re both too good for everyone else in this world.”  _

 

_ “You both have the stupidest sense of humor and you laugh at the stupidest things, it's almost ridiculous.”   _

 

_ Tyler struggled for more to say. “I dunno, you both are just incredible people that I don't - and didn't - deserve,” Tyler finished off, hand becoming slightly shaky, which did not help him for finishing Josh’s nails.  _

 

_ Josh smiled warmly. “Nah, you're wrong - I'm the one that doesn't deserve you.”  He leaned over and pressed his lips against Tyler’s. “I love you.”  _

 

_ Tyler returned the smile. “I love you too.”  _

 

_ Josh’s smile became a small grimace for a quick second. “Do you mind opening the window?  The smell of the nail polish is giving me a headache.”  _

 

_ Tyler nodded and stood up, giving Josh’s hand a quick squeeze before letting go. He walked over to the window and opened up the window, surprised to find it dry.  _

 

_ “Hey, it stopped raining,” he commented, enjoying the warm air that was welcomed on his skin.  He narrowed his brows in confusion as he heard no reply from Josh - who usually was excited when there was no rain.  _

 

_ “Josh?” Tyler questioned, returning to the hospital bed.  _

 

_ Josh remained quiet, staring off into the corner of the room. Tyler’s breath caught in his throat and his hands began to tremble.  He brought a shaking finger up to his Josh’s neck and he choked on a sob.  _

 

_ “No…no...please,” Tyler begged, shaking his head rapidly. “No, please, Josh - please wake up.”  _

 

_ “Josh, please - please wake up.”  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a couple more chapters, frens, just stick with me for a little while longer xx


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took forever !! i've finally graduated so hopefully the next update won't take forever !

Tyler’s surroundings were painted with a dull gray when he woke up. His head ached and his vision was a little blurry, as if a cloud had rested on his irises.  Eyes fluttering, struggling to stay open, he stared up at the ceiling.  A weight seemed to lay on his chest and his groggy mind couldn't tell him a reason why. 

 

Slowly sitting up, his hands clutched at the bed sheets under him, trying to recognize the foreign yet familiar feel of them.  Peering around the room, confusion drew his eyebrows together when he recognized all of Josh’s stuff. 

 

Thinking back, he couldn't remember falling asleep in Josh’s room. Before he could question it further, the bedroom door softly opened and Tyler turned his gaze towards it.  A bright head of yellow walked into the room and some muddled part of Tyler told him something was off, but he pushed that part away and focused on the boy in front of him.

 

Josh smiled softly and sat down on the bed next to Tyler, crossing his legs together.  He leaned forward and pressed his lips against Tyler’s.  Tyler squeezed his eyes shut, but somehow could still see the estranged silhouette of Josh.  Josh pulled his lips away and Tyler was left with the sour taste of ash in his mouth.

 

A look of concern washed over Josh as he stared at Tyler.  “You okay, Ty?” he asked, voice muffled, as if he was speaking underwater.  The sound made Tyler’s chest contort into an uncomfortable ache, his lungs becoming knots under his bones.

 

Tyler stared back, noticing a dimness to Josh’s warm eyes.  “I’m fine,” Tyler replied, noticing how his own voice sounded disconnected from his ears.  He curled and uncurled his fists as the uncomfortable feeling continued to settle deep into his skin.  He twisted his neck, the feeling crawling up his spine. 

 

“Did you have a bad dream?” Josh asked, fingers twisting together nervously.  Tyler stared at his hands and blinked, trying to see something more than blurry lines and shapes.

 

“I don’t know...I don’t think so - I mean,  _ maybe _ \- I just don’t know,” Tyler answered, his brain incapable of creating a more coherent answer.  Tyler couldn’t even remember dreaming the night before - his memory free of any clarity or recollection.  

 

Josh reached forward and laid his hand on top of Tyler’s.  Warmth emitted from Josh’s skin and Tyler jerked his hand away from his touch.  The familiarity of Josh’s touch became foreign and Tyler’s chest clenched once more.  His vision went swimming into an oblivion of darkness and he watched as Josh faded into nothing but a shadow. 

Opening his eyes, Tyler wasn’t met with the ceiling of Josh’s room back in California.  Instead, he was met with a cheap chandelier that belonged to the guest room of Josh’s parent’s house in Columbus.  His hands clenched and his fingers felt the uncomfortable material of the air mattress Jenna and Debby had forced him on.  

 

Tyler turned his head and peered over at the small window of the room.  Small strokes of light peeked through the blinds and created illuminating lights on the gray walls of the room.  Tyler looked back up at the ceiling and let the ache in his chest sink down into the rest of his bones. 

 

Like a light switch, memories of the dream flooded back to him in vivid details and he choked on his breath.  He bit down on his bottom lip as his vision became blurry with tears.  He gripped the fabric of his shirt and he gasped out a breath.  Suddenly the mattress felt colder.

 

He listened as the bed next to him creaked and he looked over.  “Tyler?” he heard Debby call out, her voice quiet and soft.  “You alright?” 

 

Tyler’s mouth allowed no words to come out as a reply - instead, a broken sob came from his lips and he listened as Debby sighed sympathetically.  The bed creaked once more and Debby was suddenly on the mattress next to him.  She opened her arms to him and Tyler crawled right into them before his mind could tell him not to.

 

Debby hugged him tight and let Tyler bury his head into her collarbone, her shoulder becoming wet with tears.  She offered soothing words and touches as Tyler’s entire body shook with sobs.  Tyler felt Debby shake too and he knew she was crying too.

 

“I miss him,” Tyler choked out.  

 

“I miss him too,” Debby echoed, her voice quiet and broken. 

 

Tyler gasped in as much air as his lungs could take.  “I’m sorry - I’m so sorry,” he told her, desperately.  “I’m sorry  _ I’m sorry I’m sorry _ .” 

 

“Why are you sorry?” Debby asked, speaking quietly as to not wake Jenna.  

 

“I took him away from you a-and I know you hate me for it -  _ I’d hate me too  _ \- and I’m sorry I took your best friend away.”  Words began to spill from Tyler’s mouth and he couldn’t stop the mess he was making.  “I’m sorry I wasn’t better for him, I’m sorry I didn’t help him - I’m sorry he’s gone and I’m sorry that I can’t make it better.” 

 

“Tyler, stop - don’t...just...don’t,” Debby interrupted, “I don’t hate you, okay?  And don’t you dare think I blame you for what happened Josh.”

 

“Maybe I hated you at the beginning of...all  _ this.   _ I was angry that my best friend was dying and he was just so focused on  _ you _ .  But all that was because of the grief and pain of losing him.  I loved him and I know you loved him too, and that’s all that matters right now okay?  I don’t want to focus on the past and what could’ve been different because it doesn’t matters.”

 

Tyler sniffed pathetically.  “You should hate me.” 

 

Debby pulled away from Tyler and gripped his shoulders firmly, staring him right in the eyes.  “Hate is too exhausting, I’d rather love.” 

 

A watery chuckle escaped Tyler’s lips.  “That’s so fucking cheesy.” 

 

Debby shrugged.  “It’s something Josh told me once.”

 

They sat there in silence for a few moments, both unsure of what to say.  It wasn’t awkward, but it definitely wasn’t comfortable.  They would occasionally meet glances and Debby would offer a trying smile, and Tyler would attempt one as well. 

 

“Today’s the funeral,” Debby eventually stated, her voice free of any emotion. 

 

Tyler sucked in a struggled breath.  “I know.”

 

“You think you’re gonna be able to give your eulogy?” Debby asked, raising her brows at Tyler, looking concerned.  

 

Tyler shrugged his shoulders.  “I hope so.”

 

Silence approached them once more, but was interrupted by the sound of the door opening.  Josh’s youngest sister, Abby, emerged from the hallway.  She apologized quietly for intruding, merely telling them that her mom had made them all breakfast if they wanted.

 

Debby thanked Abby and promised they’d be down in a bit.  The two stood from the mattress and Debby moved over to the bed to wake Jenna - the promise of food getting the blonde of bed faster than Tyler had ever seen.  

 

They came downstairs and Tyler’s fingers went cold as he felt himself go on autopilot.  He watched as his hands gratefully took a plate of food from Mrs.Dun.  His lips forced a smile and thankful words disconnected from his ears slipped from his lips.  

 

“Oh I’ve told you before, Tyler, Mrs.Dun is far too formal.  Please, call me Laura,” she replied to whatever words that came out.  Her words were watered down to Tyler’s numbed out ears, but he smiled and corrected himself nonetheless.

 

Tyler sat down next to Jenna on the couch and shoved the food into his mouth, tasting nothing as he chewed and swallowed fast.  He stared off at the wall in front of him, his surroundings becoming black and white static.  He tried to blink away the noise from his vision, but the dots remained and Tyler let himself sink into the corner of his mind.

 

When Tyler emerged from his head, he found himself in the shower - hot water burning his skin until it turned red.  His heart thundered against his chest, his anxiety picking up as he tried to remember getting in the shower.  He tugged at his hair as nothing came to him.  

 

He quickly shut off the water and stepped out of the shower, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around himself.  He wiped the fog away from the mirror and his stomach churned when he couldn’t recognize the face in his reflection.  

 

Looking down at the counter, Tyler saw a black suit with a yellow sticky note attached to it.  He picked up the note and recognized the scrawly handwriting.

 

_ You didn’t miss much, so don’t worry about it.  I’ll give you details if you want later, just get ready for now, okay?  - Jenna  _

 

A small smile quipped at Tyler’s lips, suddenly filled with gratefulness for his best friend.  He was reminded of times back in college when similar incidents would occur and Jenna would always leave notes for him, always there to assure him and let him know he was okay.  

 

Tossing the note to the side, Tyler began to get ready.  He brushed his teeth and fixed his hair, throwing on the suit once he was done.  Mind still cloudy, he struggled to make his reflection look somewhat presentable.  Deciding it was good enough, he turned on his heels and left the bathroom.

 

He made his way back to the guest bedroom where Jenna and Debby were getting ready.  Debby was finishing up her makeup as Jenna was slipping on her shoes, the two both wearing black dresses.  Jenna peered over at Tyler when he walked in and she made her way over to him. 

 

Her hands went to his tie and she straightened it.  “You good?” she asked, her voice quiet, only loud enough for Tyler to hear. 

 

Tyler nodded.  “I’m better now, yeah - thank you,” he answered, grateful.  She smiled softly and gave him a tight hug, pecking his cheek. 

 

Once everyone was done getting ready, they all left the house and piled into cars in two separate groups.  The car Tyler drove in contained both Josh’s parents, Abby, Debby, and Jenna.  Debby sat next to Abby, allowing Tyler to be next to Jenna.  In the backseat, Tyler rested his head on Jenna’s shoulder and she held his hand softly, giving him an occasional squeeze.

 

Arriving at the church, Tyler’s breath caught in his throat when his surroundings became familiar to him.  He looked out at the cemetery that stood next to the church and Tyler’s chest burned.  Memories from years ago suddenly flooded back in and Tyler tried to pushed them aside, only able to handle one heartache at a time. 

 

The car parked to the side and they all piled out.  The Columbus sky was fittingly gray and part of Tyler hoped that it would rain.  In the late nights the two would stay up in the hospital, Josh told Tyler he wanted it to rain at his funeral so he could end it all with a cliche.  It was funny at the time, now it was only bittersweet. 

 

They entered the church and the sight of the casket at the altar made Tyler sick to his stomach, nausea overcoming him like a hurricane.  The casket was opened and dread settled deep into Tyler’s bones as they all approached it.  

 

He watched as Josh’s family came up to the casket, both loud and quiet sobs coming from each of them as they looked at the sight of their beloved son and brother.  Debby and Jenna went up together and neither made a sound.  A soft smile laid on Debby’s lips and she reached down in the casket, fixing Josh’s tie.  Jenna held her hand and the two shared a grief ridden kiss before parting away from the casket. 

 

Then it was Tyler’s turn and all he wanted to do was run away.  He swallowed thickly as his eyes laid on Josh’s lifeless form.  He looked like plastic and Tyler just wanted to throw up.  He was adorned with a black suit that Tyler had never seen him in and everything about the scene in front of him felt wrong to him.  Forcing himself not to flee, Tyler reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out the little navy book with gold detailing, laying it down next to Josh - invisible to anyone else who would peer into the casket.

 

He quickly parted away from Josh after he settled the book down, returning to Jenna’s side.  Everyone sat down in the pews and Tyler felt his hands begin to shake as the funeral began.  

 

He watched as the minister stood up and made his way over to the podium that stood in front of the casket.  He shared some words from the bible and some words of his own - all sounding like gibberish to Tyler’s tuned out ears.  When the minister was finished, each one of Josh’s family members stood at the podium, sharing their own words of grief.  Tyler tried to listen, but he was still drowning. 

 

When Abby finished giving her eulogy, Debby peered over at Tyler, giving him a questioning look.  Tyler knew that if he didn’t give his eulogy, Debby promised to give one instead for the both of them.  Tyler gave her a forced reassuring smile before standing up and making his way over to the podium. 

 

He looked out at all the unfamiliar faces that sat before him and he hesitantly leaned towards the mic attached to the podium. 

 

“Um hello - many of you probably don’t know who I am, but, uh, I’m Tyler Joseph and I was Josh’s boyfriend,” Tyler paused for a moment, clearing his throat.  “Unfortunately, I haven’t had that title for long - I had only met Josh this last October.  And though that definitely wasn’t a lot of time to have together, it was definitely a memorable time for me.”

 

“Honestly, the only thing that’s been keeping me sane this last couple weeks is knowing I will always have the memories of us.  I’ll always have the moments where we’d lay together up on the rooftop of our apartment building and stare at all the stars in the sky.  If there was one thing Josh loved the most it was the stars - there was nothing he could talk about more than how beautiful he thought the night sky was.” 

 

“I don’t have the words to express how grateful I am to have had the time I did get to have with Josh.  He filled every moment with so much love and light - I have never felt more alive than the time I had with him.  He gave me so much and I just wish I could’ve given him so much more.” 

 

“Josh was so many things - he was so kind, honest, and selfless.  Even during his last few days, his focus was never on himself, but on the people around him.  He was so strong when he didn’t have to be and I didn’t deserve the love he gave me during those hard times.” 

 

“During those last fews days, Josh always told me he didn’t want there to be any sadness, but instead peace.  Peace that he fought as hard as he could’ve.  Peace that even though he died young, he lived so much in so little time.  I hope that during these trying times of grief, that we can at least honor his dying wish for there to be peace.”

 

Words finished, Tyler murmured a thank you before stepping away from the podium, wiping his eyes.  He sat back down and Jenna gave him another tight hug, telling him how brave he was.  Tyler didn’t feel brave. 

 

Soon after, everyone left the church and made their way towards the cemetery for the burial.  Tyler’s chest clenched at the familiar sight of the tombstones and he reached to Jenna’s hand for comfort.  They walked together when Josh’s gravestone sat and a small smile pricked at Tyler’s lips as he read the inscription. 

 

_ Joshua William Dun _

_ Beloved Son, Brother, and Friend _

_ June 18th 1988 - May 3rd, 2017 _

_ “You’ll find me in the stars.” _

 

Everyone circled around the grave, loved ones receiving piles of dirt.  After the casket was lowered into the ground, each threw the dirt into the hole one at a time.  The minister shared one last word of hope and love before dismissing everyone.  Guests scattered across the cemetery as the cemetery workers finished piling dirt into the grave.

 

Tyler turned to Jenna.  “I’ll be right back,” he told her, before walking off towards the corner of the cemetery.  He walked through the uncut grass and piles of dead flowers as he made his way towards the familiar gravestone.  

 

He kneeled down in front of the stone and smiled sadly.  “Hey Bren,” Tyler spoke, keeping his voice quiet.  “It’s been awhile.” 

 

“I wanted to let you know that I finally accepted myself - for who I am, like you always wanted.  I even had a boyfriend, who made me the happiest I have ever been.” 

 

Tyler choked on a watery chuckle.  “You would’ve liked him alot - he was a lot like you, ya know.  I wish you two could’ve met.  Maybe you have now, wherever you both are now.” 

 

Tyler sighed as he stood back up.  “Well, I won’t take much of your time - just wanted to let you know I still miss you - and I still love you.  And I’m not gonna make the same mistakes again, I promise.” 

 

With another sigh leaving his lips, Tyler turned on his heels and returned to Jenna and Debby, finally leaving Brendon behind him.  

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter after this and then we will finally be able to say goodbye to rain or shine xx


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well here it is guys, the end   
> nothing too crazy, just a chill end to an overwhelming story  
> I'll save the sappy goodbyes for the end notes.

_5 Months Later_

Dusk glimmered across the tops of buildings and trees, reflections of stars shining dimly back at Tyler as he sat on the edge of the rooftop. Empty air met the bottom of his bare feet, autumn wind tickling his skin as he kicked his legs back and roof. He leaned back onto the concrete, gripping tightly to the ledge.

Familiar October air burned Tyler’s lungs as he breathed it in, the rush of cool air sending shivers down his arms. He exhaled the breath and let himself relax into the sky. His jacket pocket felt empty, free of a pack of cigarettes that used to rest inside. Even after almost a year of being clean, it was still an odd feeling.

Tyler hummed to himself quietly as he watched the sun slowly set, making the hills its grave as the day melted away. He stared up at the sky, waiting for the light of the stars to break through the black abyss of the night sky.

He leaned back, letting his back hit the concrete, legs still hanging off the edge. He waited patiently, watching the sky fade from baby blue to burnt orange to deep purple. The stars slowly appeared from behind their curtain of light. Studying the constellations as they emerged, Tyler’s chest clenched tightly.

His eyes searched for the familiar set of stars, fingers playing with the skeleton key necklace that hung around his neck. He smiled softly when he found the set of three, all forming a triangle. His eyes trailed down to the bright star that had appeared under delta a couple of weeks after Josh passed away. It was probably a coincidence, but Tyler didn’t really care.

“Hey Josh,” Tyler said, voice soft. He smiled to himself as he watched the star twinkled as he spoke. Probably a cold trick of the light, but Tyler continued to speak nonetheless.

“We haven’t talked in quite sometime, huh?” Tyler commented, making himself ache with his own words. It had been four months since he had gone up to the roof. The last time hadn’t been a pretty sight - Tyler drank a little too much and went up to the roof to scream at an empty sky. He screamed at Josh, spitting out all the anger that had collected inside of him. Luckily Jenna had found him just before he got a little too close the ledge.

“I’m sorry for last time - it’s just, the wounds were still fresh and I was just so...angry,” Tyler breathed out, suddenly feeling the weight he felt from that moment. “And it’s..it’s kinda funny cause I just remember how back in the hospital when you told me everything, you said that I should be angry and I told you I wasn't - and oh god, I have never been so angry in my life.”

“I couldn't understand how you could do that to me, like - you let me love you when you knew you were gonna have to...have to leave,” Tyler paused for a moment, swallowing hard. “But I understand now.”

“You told me you wanted to fall in love before you died, and I'm glad I got to give that to you,” Tyler said, smiling up at the star.

Tyler let out a pathetic sigh and wiped at his cheeks. “Okay enough with that cheesy shit - that was always your thing anyway.”

“I'm not really sure why I came up to talk to you,” Tyler spoke, honestly. “I just miss you and needed someone to talk to.”

“I miss your voice though, and your laugh,” Tyler began, closing his eyes for a moment, trying to find the sound somewhere buried in his memory. “I just miss you, and I really wish you were here with me.”

Tyler sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, making it stick in all different places. “Anyway, I'm sure you're sick of me talking about all this sappy stuff, you already know I miss you, I don't need to ramble about it.”

“Ya know, I got a new job actually,” he began, his brain suddenly filling him with words for something to talk about. “It's your old job, actually - at uh Guitar Center. Pete hired me a couple months ago to fill the hole.”

“Obviously it's not the most exciting job ever, but it's nice. To be surrounded by music and people I know - and Pete lets me mess around with the instruments if it's slow so that's nice,” Tyler said, watching the star twinkle once more, as if it was giggling.

“I started playing at Patrick’s again too,” Tyler told him, “it's not as fun when I can't see your dumb smiling face, but it's still fine.”

“Oh! Also, Jenna and Debby moved into together - finally.” The star giggled once more and another smile tugged at Tyler’s lips. “Jenna told me she's planning to propose sometime soon too, so that's gonna be exciting - or like super awkward if Debby says no but I doubt she will - or at least I hope so.”

Tyler could have swore he heard Josh’s laugh in that moment, the sound making his insides turn and his chest clench. He quickly swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat.

“So, with Jenna gone I had to get a new roommate,” Tyler continued, hands wringing around the leather cord of his necklace. “His name is Mark - he’s alright I think, he mostly stays in his room doing work or something. I dunno, but he’s nice.”

Pulling his legs away from the ledge, he crossed them together and rested his chin on his fist. “Jenna has started trying to set me up with guys again,” Tyler began, chuckling lightheartedly. “I know she means well and wants to help me move on, it’s just...I’m not ready to yet ya know? I mean, it took me years to finally move on from Brendon. I dunno how I’m supposed to get over you.”

Tyler wiped his cheeks, not realizing he had been crying. The star dimmed for a moment and Tyler forced out another small laugh. “Don’t worry about me, Jish, I’ll figure it out - eventually.”

Letting a small sigh escape his lips, Tyler stood up and patted dust away from his jeans. He tucked his hands into his pockets and looked back up to the star, a smile playing on the corners of his lips. “Well, I suppose I’ve probably taken too much of your time, so I’ll go ahead and leave you be,” he said, running nervous fingers through hair that was in desperate need of a haircut. “I’ll talk to ya later, Josh.”

He gave a small wave up to the sky and watched with a soft smile as the star glimmered brightly, just for him it seemed. Tyler turned on his heel and made his way over to the exit of the rooftop, heading down the staircase. He stopped on his floor and walked through the hallway over to his apartment. Pulling the keys out of his pocket, he quickly unlocked the door and stepped into the room.

Giving a small hello to Mark as he came in, Tyler quickly made his way to his bedroom, ready to just relax. He entered his bedroom and shut the door behind him before flopping onto his bed. After a good few minutes of laying there, doing nothing, Tyler eventually sat up and reached under his bed. He pulled out his ukulele case and set it down on his lap, taking the small instrument out.

Quickly tuning it, Tyler began to strummed lightly, trying to replicate the melody that was playing in his head. Once he figured out the pattern, he hummed quietly under his breath. As he continued to play, his brain slowly providing small snippets of lyrics in between chords. He set the ukulele down on his lap and reached over to his bedside table. He pulled open the drawer and dug out the worn out leather bound notebook.

He wiped off the dust that had been collecting on top of it within the last few months. It had been a while since he was able to write anything.

Flipping through the pages till he found a blank one, his face scrunched together in confusion as a small folded up piece of paper fell out of the notebook and landed at Tyler’s feet. He picked it up curiously and felt his stomach churn uncomfortably. In familiar handwriting, Tyler saw his name messy scribbled on the card. He unfolded the paper and bit down on his knuckles as he read the writing.

_hey ty_

_i’m not really sure what to say for like an introduction, i mean, i can't just say something like “if you're reading this, then i’m probably dead” like that's just too cliche even for me_   
_and what if i’m not dead when you read this ? i mean this is gonna be super awkward if i’m not but still ya know ?_   
_ANYWAY_   
_i hope you're okay and that you're taking care of yourself i hope you haven't done anything you'll come to regret i hope that you're already learning to move on and i hope you're not angry with me_   
_i say that cause i deserve for you to be angry and upset with me. i’m sorry i had to go and i wish i could have stayed longer and had more time with you_   
_i wish we could have had more time together. six months wasn't enough to learn to love every single part of you and that was all i ever wanted. i wanted to learn everything there was to learn about you. you're so beautiful and complex and amazing and there's so much i never got to know_   
_i hope you don't regret our time together cause i don't. im so lucky i got to know you and spend the time we did. most of all im so lucky to have fallen in love with you_   
_yeah yeah I know it's super cheesy but i don't care. I love you and i’ll be as cheesy as I want to be_   
_im not quite sure what else to say other than that. i love you i love you i love you i love you_   
_please take care of yourself for me. please learn to love more for me. please don't let me get in the way of you being happy cause that's all I want for you_   
_i just want you to be happy_   
_i love you so much, and i hope you don't miss me too much_   
_xx Josh_

Tyler let out a shaky breath as he ran his palm across his face. He folded the paper back up again and pressed against his chest, his heart clenching. Small sobs shook his shoulders and he sniffed pathetically.

Calming himself down, he let out a watery laugh as he read the letter over and over again. His fingers traced over the words and he couldn't help the smile on his face. He laid his head down and clutched it tightly.

He closed his eyes softly and smiled to himself. Finally, he let himself breathe a breath of relief.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I guess that concludes rain or shine.  
> Oh man, I don't even have words right now. With this fic I set out to write something sad and I think I did that, no matter how painful it has been for both me and you   
> Oh man, This fic has been so much to me within the past few months. This fic has been half story and half venting. Lots of elements of this story has been taken from my real life emotions, experiences, events, etc. writing this has been both cathartic and hard. so much of me has been put into this and it wasn't easy. Tyler has been a projection of emotions and unfortunately that caused for a sad story.   
> However I like to think this ended a bit hopefully - just the smallest twinge of hope if ya squint. I'm hoping that's what I can look forward to as well  
> Anyway, I've got a few ideas for the next thing I'm gonna write. Don't know when that will be but go ahead and keep an eye out if you're interested !   
> So, as always, I hope you enjoyed it ! If you did, please let me know ! Feedback is greatly loved and appreciated. Thank you all for the lovely comments and the kudos. They mean the world to me and I love you all so very very much xx

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Please let me know if you did! Feedback always means the world to me xx


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